- Hi I'm Chris Franjola and welcome to my quarantine life.
(upbeat rock music)
Welcome to Van Nuys to 91406 this is the neighborhood
if you want cash bad check or you need a spare tire.
These are my cars you can see.
I gotta Range Rover Evoque right there pretty baller,
and I got a Buick Encore.
We have the Buick cause it gets me
into the supermarkets early in these days.
Okay I can go shoppin from seven to nine.
Come on in the house and see what we're
doin in our shelter at home life.
Sometimes we sit outside, but there's lots of germs.
It's my living room, we spend most of our time,
as you can see I've gotten so bored
that I'm rewatching Tiger King.
I stopped it on the area where he has the
Walmart bin of meat, just cause I wanted to see
how many different meats he was putting in his pizza.
That was the most shocking takeaway I had from
Tiger King, that he was making pizzas out of
let's see turkey burgers, Jimmy Dean biscuit sausage,
different hot dogs, turkey dogs,
and then burgers of all different kinds.
That's the Tiger Kings pizza.
I thought I was gonna be the guy during this quarantine who,
she does the adult coloring books
so I ordered an adult coloring book.
And as you can see I have yet to begin any of them,
but not saying I won't.
And puzzles, you know, lots of fucking puzzles.
My kitchen, got some you know a lotta liquor.
My neighbors gave me some lemons
from their tree, so thanks for the germs.
I got a autograph from Mr.David Spade.
David Spade.
And this guys pretty decent plumber
if you're looking for something like that.
I don't wanna brag but it's a remote control.
Just right from the house you could
press that button and it'll open.
This is my garage.
I do a lot of my sleeping in there,
just to get away from people.
It's the only thing I can do now
because you can't be near people.
Had a raccoon problem, as you can see,
you'll see some raccoon tracks goin up the wall here.
Somebody said, "Go get a pinwheel.
"That'll stop 'em."
So I went to the dollar store and gotta pinwheel.
It's solar powered, so it'll continue
to spin even if you don't have wind.
So, there you go.
It's not doin a damn thing,
so come on raccoons come on back.
Dig into the plants, party, dance, whatever you want.
Here I'm getting some work done,
putting in a covered patio.
But the woman I had doing the work on the house,
oh I also live near an airport,
so not to brag but I'm pretty close to the
Van Nuys airport so you hear a lot of planes comin and goin.
This is the work the woman's doing.
The woman is completely insane,
she was bitten by a dog recently
and told me she might have rabies.
So, she hasn't come back in three weeks
because she thinks she's rabid
and doesn't want to get anyone else in the house rabid.
Now, at the very least I get a 25 foot latter
out of the deal, so if I ever need to climb up or anybody,
David if you ever need to climb up 25 feet call me
cause I now have a 25 foot latter
from a rabid construction worker.
This is quarantine life everybody,
quarantine life in Van Nuys to 91406.
(upbeat rock music)
- I wanna start by saying I apologize I'm not more famous.
Cause, you know, no offense I don't wanna walk
through somebody's house unless they're famous.
So just put up there to the editor if you don't
mind just put up "Sorry he's not famous."
(upbeat rock music)
But I wanna show you something Dave, come on over here.
I looked at this today, wow take a look at that.
That is a picture of you,
and I think the more important part is those pants,
can we get a, those are the stay on those fucking pants.
This is my refrigerator, and I'm gonna be honest with you.
Look, this is a refrigerator worth seeing.
When I was younger I had these friends,
I don't wanna mention their name,
but they were rich and they would have like
their milk was always in a glass milk container.
So I have to have my milk in a glass milk container.
But I bought this glass thing like four years ago,
I just buy milk from Vons, I pour it in.
A big fucking illusion.
♪ Why, I'd like to do a song ♪
By the way, I wanna be honest with you cause I'm not,
I'm very organized all the time.
My head is too scrambled as it is.
But I got paranoid.
Was walking around your house,
I didn't want my house to look too neat.
Then it looks like, "Oh bullshit."
Right?
So here's what I do, here's me goin,
"Ah it's lived in."
So I just left the bed down a little,
you know, "Oh yeah that bed?
"I just got up.
"Oh yeah that's the way it just fell.
"Yeah sure."
I was at your house
and you had all these pictures over the wall you know
so I was like, "I gotta have a wall like that."
This is good for people to know,
"Knowing that we can loved exactly as we.."
What?
Here's you over here, here's you and me.
Look it this at some game,
and I remember walkin around the field,
and the crowd started to slowly sort
of figure out it was you and they went fucking nuts!
You said, "You know Todd don't tell anybody,
"but that just gave me a boner."
So anyway, my girlfriend is the one running the camera.
By the way, cause I'm trynna live a honest life
I should let you know that my girlfriend
is a guy, all right that's it.
You know what I do late at night,
I just try to jog around.
You know people that tell you
"Bullshit you can't really do a real life."
They're like, "Yeah even when you're getting
your laundry you just dance around."
I can't do that.
Walk silly, to get exercise double walk everywhere you go.
Take three feet turn around start going again.
Here we go.
Here we are, we're in the, I call it the barn.
So here's my offer, like I'm willing,
I will perform for the show.
I mean I have no problem, I will come in here
and I'll do 20 minutes.
What the fuck, I have nothing to do.
Right?
For $10,000.
(Laughing)
Aye ya!
♪ And now ♪
♪ I'll sing a songish ♪
♪ So we don't have to pay royalties ♪
♪ It's called New Yorkish New Yorkish oh ♪
Hey I'm done.
Oh think I shit my pants.
Quack quack.
(upbeat rock music)
- Hey and welcome to cribs quarantine edition.
My name is Tim Dillon and you know me from
Lights Out with David Spade.
(upbeat rock music)
I have been in my home for 30 days,
and you know it's exciting
and I'm lucky to have a kind of a dilapidated
apartment in West Hollywood that
lots of failed actors have died in.
Let's take a look.
We've got some great art here,
from Long Island, Lindsay Lohan.
I'm from Long Island too.
I fucking respect her, I respect everything she's about.
Great thing right there.
So here we have like the sitting area.
We have a big TV here, so we could watch
my appearances on Lights Out with David Spade.
And I sit on my couch and smoke crack.
Business center is really important.
Where we get our work done.
Got a printer here, and a computer.
These do not work.
Crayons.
(loud bang)
You know?
We eat 'em.
This is it.
This is where we broadcast from.
This is our podcast studio,
it's where we broadcast the Tim Dillon Show.
We are the anchors at the end of the world.
We have the green screen here,
full capacity to do anything we want right here in the home.
We're ready.
We're ready to go.
We don't care, martial law?
Not a problem.
This is a bathroom here.
Look at that film, see how sick L.A is?
See the wheels of film up there?
It's real funny huh?
This is my room, it's very colorful.
Color is so important to me.
It looks like I just moved in.
I like to keep it so that nobody can really prove
that I live here, because I'm not on the lease.
I'm just adjusting to quarantine life,
I'm pretty cool with it.
I actually, I probably won't leave
my apartment when I'm allowed.
We're out here on the terrace.
Which is really cool this is gonna be,
you get a great view of the riots
that are gonna happen, you know, very interesting.
But we have surfboards here, so if anybody
starts a problem with us we just take
it down to the beach.
Show 'em what we're about.
It's a funny area here, you know most of
these people are upset that they can't afford houses.
And they're miserable and they spend their entire
lives just calling the police on people
that have parked their cars in inappropriate spots.
Hey, thanks for visiting my crib.
Thanks for visiting my crib,
I imagine this is the last sketch I will
do as the world is ending.
But this has been a great use of my time
and I hope a great use of yours.
(upbeat rock music)