Hey guys welcome back to my channel obviously we have had a location change
i don't know it's been a week hasn't been a week for you guys because it's definitely been a week
for me and i find myself feeling just tired and like i don't know i didn't even want to set up in
my office and where i just want to kind of relax this is my bedroom i have a blanket you guys know
Fridays are casual here come as you are um i'm a type nine this is the confessions of the enneagram
peacemaker series and today i don't have like a big plan for this you know this is just a
more relaxed video but something that's been on my heart is enneagram type nines um like last
week we kind of talked about sloth and what that looked like and i guess this is a little bit of a
continuation in why we don't show up to our lives and why we should and how to show up to our own
lives i don't know i don't know we're gonna flush this out together i'm gonna base this video around
the lyrics of let me get my computer the sleeping at last have you guys heard of sleeping at last
they have made nine songs and each song for each enneagram type and so i kind of want to just
walk through the lyrics with you today i don't know what that's going to look like but i want
to walk through them because this morning i was reading them and i started to cry and i was just
like they were hitting me really hard and i just felt like it just like this be put on my spirit
to go ahead and share this with you and let's walk through this together and see what it looks like
to you and how these lyrics um reach you and how they've touched me and i don't know let's just
kind of like talk about this together so obviously the song we're going to talk about is called nine
i kind of want to read why his name is Ryan who wrote the song he's a type nine and he wrote all
nine types their songs and the nine song came out last and i don't know how long he
had between each song i think it was a year or more i'm not for sure if you want to know
i'm sure it's easy to google but he wrote this song the nine one last and he says i have my
computer right here i happen to identify as a type nine i am embarrassed to admit that even though
i've been learning about the enneagram for many years now when it came time to write this song
my song i realized that i knew very little about the type 9 and there for
very little about myself and i was like i mean that hit me right there does that hit you if you
are even if you're not a nine you know that you can relate to the nine you might be connected to
the nine this is definitely not only for type nines but um i am a type guide and so that's
where this you know that's the place i teach from he just talks about successfully avoiding
his type until now and taking a look at himself a really deep look at himself and that's really
one of the reasons why i teach the enneagram we need to all take that look inward i know it sounds
selfish sometimes but it's not if we want to do better and be better and love and feel seen and
have compassion and grace for each other and for ourselves that's why i teach this and so i kind
of want to break these lyrics down and see what comes out of it i don't have anything written down
i i kind of just want this to be an organic time between you and i and and let's see what this ends
up looking like so come along on the journey okay so the first set of lyrics that just hit
me and i don't even know if i'll cry i might cry i cried earlier but it just touched me so much
it talks about who am i to say what any of this means i have been sleepwalking since i was 14.
it hits me like it just hits me to the core of course i'm gonna cry but i feel the same
way i feel like i've slept i've been sleepwalking through a lot of my life and i would say mine was
more around 10 years old um there definitely was something that happened around that time
that from then on i needed to sleepwalk through life and one day i'll probably share more about
my childhood and what that looked like but for now it's it really does resonate with my soul
that i did begin to start sleepwalking i put myself to sleep i became i think i said this
in last week's video where i stopped asserting myself i i became a wallflower and up until that
point i actually was um you know a little more outgoing all of a sudden the survival
part of me was like no the less of you the better it is and so i kind of put myself to sleep
in order to gain love i really believe that's the stem that's where the stem the root is is
in order to gain love i realized that i needed to go along to get along i needed to forget my
own priorities my own desires blend in and less of me seemed like the right choice at the time
i don't know if you could relate to that but that's how i felt and the next part of these
lyrics say um now as i write my song i retrace my steps honestly it's easier to let myself forget
it's i understand that i get it i spent so many years forgetting and just moving forward and not
letting myself dwell and think about everything and thinking about the things i had went through
and um just moved forward uh the next piece he says is still i check my vital
signs choked up i realized i've been less than half myself for more than half my life
guys that one hits me so hard um and the reason why is for me personally i have always merged
like i merged a lot up until my um mid to late 30s and even though i'm in my early 40s so you
can you know obviously i merged a lot in my life i always found somebody to find my identity in
and and that is not being the whole me the Hillary that i'm supposed to be the the Hillary that i'm
called to be the Hillary that is a world changer the Hillary that is um when she shows up with her
full presence it does bless others and i don't know your name but put your name in there put
your name in when you show up to the world and bless others with your full presence things happen
things change you feel seen and heard you see and hear other people like the world needs your
full presence and that's what i finally feel like i realized that the world needed my full presence
and for me it took a tragedy um i really when i i'm looking back through my life like he said and
then i'm i'm kind of walking through like um the whys and the hows and the whats and the wheres and
and what was going on the part that stands out to where where i really felt like it woke me up
was when i was 36 i believe 37 um my mom wait maybe she maybe i was 36 when my mom got cancer
she was only 54 and she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and we spent the next um
11 months you know walking through this journey with her again that's another story i will
if you guys want i would share that one day because i really really can help you guys and
talk about grief and being a nine or just grief in general because again i think everybody can relate
to each other at some way or another uh it's just it's the motivations behind are different right
we all might have been asleep we all might be able to relate to these lyrics even if we're not a nine
but the the reason why might look different my mom ended up passing away when she was 55
and that was a pivotal moment that i will always remember in my life where i knew that i had been
kind of sleeping through my life in different areas i'm not 100 but in different areas where
i wasn't fully awake to what god has for me to what i have for me to what to wanna i know i
meant to do what my passions are and um that's when i you know i had already been uh studying
life coaching and enneagram stuff and everything but that's when i finally made the
decision to stay awake i had been awake because you know we kind of come awake and
then we go back to sleep and we're awake and back to sleep and that's when i was like no
we don't know how much time we have we don't know what tomorrow looks like and for me
you know that's the reason why i think in my heart i was like i am called for more i know i am i just
know that i'm supposed to be fully awake to my own life and so the next set of lyrics are um
wake up fall in love again wage war on gravity there's so much worth fighting for
you'll see and it's true there is so much worth fighting for there's so much worth waking up for
and showing up to your life and going after your dreams and going after your desires
and um leaving your mark it's pivotal for a nine to do and he says another domino falls
either way it looks like empathy to understand all sides but i'm just trying to find myself
through someone else's eyes and again that really hits me because i've done that in so
many different relationships in my life where i did try to find myself through their eyes
and it never fully was who i am um i don't know if you relate to that i don't know but i know i do
and for a lot of my life that's what i did and i am so grateful that i don't do that anymore and
it's not to say i won't do it because i'm a nine right i don't know i don't know what the future
holds but i do know i'm so much more awake than i've ever been and so much more willing to embrace
who i am and who i meant to be so and so does that speak to you does that resonate with you
do you feel like throughout your life you've tried to see yourself through someone else's
eyes like what does that look like for you so the next piece is he says so please show me what to do
to restart this heart of mine how do i forgive myself for losing so much time and i think
i think that's that's you know exactly what we're supposed to do we do have to forgive ourselves we
do have to go okay that time you know at times was lost not all the time there's lots of good
things that have happened i'm sure and even for me like there's i have tons of great things
but definitely there are times where things were lost where i stayed asleep and i just think like
it's less about like okay wallowing or thinking about that it's more about okay well what does
going forward look like and the next piece of his lyrics say wake up roll up your sleeves
there's a chain reaction in your heart muscle memory remembering who you are that's it right
who are you who are you inside he says stand up fall in love again and again and again wage war
on gravity there's so much more worth fighting for you'll see and just like these kind of uh another
domino falls and another domino falls and a little at a time i feel more alive so i let the scale tip
and feel all of it it's uncomfortable but right we were born to try to see each other through
to know and love ourselves and each other well is the most difficult and meaningful work we'll ever
do and so those are the lyrics to that song the sleeping at last type 9 song i will put that in
the link in my description box below so that you can go listen to it if you haven't listened to it
it's it's such a good song i resonated with it so much as you can see and i wanted to just kind of
um share that with you and share what was going through my heart and mind as i read those lyrics
and i've listened to the song before and all his songs i really like but um i just thought that
that was really beautiful and that you know as a type 9 i could relate to it and i i wanted to
you know kind of put that out there with you and share and um see you know what does this look like
for you how can you roll up your sleeves and be who you were meant to be what does that look like
um and start small you know for the nine like it could be overwhelming to do this just
to wake up and go okay what am i gonna do and and really know we're we're a gentler um human
being to where i think it's okay to start gentle and small and go okay what is what does that look
like today what does that look like just today and stay in today and go okay you know what can i do
in order to to move forward and what does that look like and it's gonna look different for
everybody um it definitely does for me for me was waking up too starting my youtube channel
i've already talked about that before and and spending time with you guys and i i really enjoy
this piece um all the other stuff is super overwhelming and hard but there's something
in me that's so alive now and so willing to do all the hard stuff in order to get to this and
so what does that look like for you think about it journal about it talk to yourself about it
dig deep you know and see what that is and again you don't have to be a nine you know it's just a
series is confessions from a type nine so anyways that's what i wanted to share with you guys today
i hope that it touched your heart i hope that it spoke to you i don't know what you're going
through this has been a tough week especially here in america and i know a lot of you don't
even live in america and i can only imagine what you guys are thinking about right now but it's i'm
exhausted i've had a hard time sleeping different at different points of this week and it's just
been a lot so that's why i was like you know what i just need to be in my bedroom sitting on
this like chair lounge chair thing that's in here and talking to you guys so organically and
i just want you know asking you guys how are you how are you doing i see you i hear you in
the comments and on my instagram um i see and hear every single one of you and i thank you
for just your encouragement and kind words all the time you guys have no idea how much that touches
me and means to me and i it's so many times it's it's a moment that i needed in that day so thank
you for being kind thank you for reaching out to me if you do want to go follow me on instagram
@hillary_mccaskey_coaching or have an enneagram account @enneagramandcoaching you could find me
both those places um yeah that's really all i have today you guys know and i never like to end these
without letting you know if you don't know your type if you're just watching this you're like gosh
i don't even know my enneagram type so that i can get some tools and move forward and work on myself
and and see what that looks like in um and so i do offer discover you typing course i will link that
right here maybe on the screen or right here on the screen i don't know which way
but i will link that up here and down there there's a discover you one hour typing course link
um but is that all i have but i think that's all i have today so until next week bye guys