- I don't know how many people here have a friend
who annoys you so much, you don't know why
you let them continue to be your friend.
I've got this friend who lives here on the East Coast.
I live on the West Coast.
She calls me early in the morning
to complain about her job stress.
Now let me preface that she holds the title
of assistant to the office manager.
So her big stresses lie in when to order more toner
and whiteout, so you can see why she has an ulcer.
And she's like, I'm the only one that does any work
around here, if it weren't for me, nothing would get done.
And I'm thinking to myself, yeah,
I'm so sure you and your associate's degree
from community college are what keeps CitiBank
moving like a well-oiled machine.
But I don't say these things
because I'm only evil on the inside.
(audience applauding)
But she goes on and on, and I'm thinking to myself,
you know what, Little Miss Complains-A-Lot,
don't call me 9:00 AM Eastern standard time
to bitch about how you're unappreciated in the workplace.
I earn my living as a comic.
I live in a studio apartment in the Barrio.
That means my bedroom is my living room,
not one of my neighbors speak English,
and the last time I had a dental plan,
Ricky Martin was a member of Menudo.
So until you're forced to make some real decisions,
like whether to use your last $5
on a box of detergent or a can of deodorant,
don't call me crying about how you deserve
an assigned parking space, because you know what,
no matter what I do with that $5, detergent, deodorant,
I'm still going to be funky.
(audience laughing)
This is a girl who doesn't like animals, but has pets.
Kelly, why do you have pets?
Because I get lonely.
Okay, talk about sleeping with the enemy.
She's got a bird, the bird essentially lives in a cage.
However, she lets him out, but he cannot fly
because like a lot of bird owners,
she had his lower wings clipped,
yet she named him Freedom.
How much freedom does this bird have?
And then she feeds Freedom people food.
We had gone shopping, we're rushing to get back
to her place, we went through the drive through at KFC.
We get back to her place.
She always pulls the bird, she always has the bird
on her lap and she talks baby talk to the bird.
She's like, aw, (cooing), next thing I know
she starts feeding the bird some of her food.
I was like, huh, what are you doing?
She's like, what, I'm feeding my bird.
I said, you're feeding your bird bird?
This has got to be cruelty to animals.
She's like well my vet says it's okay.
I was like, well, I don't want to know what you got
to feedin' that damn dog.
I don't have any pets of my own
because I'm very allergic to short-haired animals,
which is bad because I recently found out
that I can't have kids.
Let me tell you how I found out.
About two and a half weeks ago, I had to babysit my nephew.
And let me tell you that little bastard is Satan
in Geranimos.
Two hours alone with him and I knew, whew I can't have kids.
It's not physical, I will kill them.
At what point is throwing all of my CDs
into the bath festive?
Because he could not have thought it was funnier.
And I don't know if it was the actual act
of getting them into the water that he found amusing
or me catching him going you son of my brother!
How many times does a person have to say no, stop it!
And put that down or I'll cut you!
Before the point is made?
His mother had the nerve to name him Damon.
I was like, that's awfully close to demon, don't you think?
When she's not around, I call him Damien
or Lil Six for short.
So after I've had two of the most horrific hours
of my adult life with this child,
his mother comes home and she's the icing on the cake.
Where's my baby?
Where's my little devil!
I was like, he's in hell.
Yeah, Satan stopped by with court papers,
said he gets the kid every second and fourth weekend.
There's nothing I can do, don't cry, my hands were tied.
No, seriously, my hands were tied
because your little Lucifer bound and gagged me.
(bright electronic note)