>> Stephen: LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND, EVERYBODY.
THERE YOU GO. THERE IT IS.
LOUIS, HAVE A WEDNESDAY. THANKSGIVING IS TOMORROW.
DO YOU COOK? >> Louis: I DO NOT.
I ORDER. >> Stephen: [LAUGHS]
YOU UBER EATS JUST LIKE -- ARE YOU MAKING IT TURKEY?
>> I AM MAKING A COUPLE SIDES. >> Stephen: YOU'RE BRINGING
THEM TO SOMEWHERE? NICE GET TOGETHER?
FAMILY OR FRIENDS? FAMILY.
THAT'S NICE. HAHAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING,
EVERYBODY. I'LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK.
COMING UP JUST A MOMENT, WE HAVE TWO EXTRAORDINARY PERFORMERS
COMING OUT HERE TONIGHT. FROM "THE HUNGER GAMES: THE
BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS & SNAKES," PETER DINKLAGE WILL BE OUT HERE
IN JUST A MOMENT. ALWAYS A LOT OF FUN.
AND A WONDERFUL COMEDIAN FROM A PODCAST "HANDSOME," TIG NOTARO
WILL BE OUT HERE. BIG FAN OF TIG.
NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SOURCING THE
DAY'S FINEST NEWS CEDAR AND THE MOST TOPICAL STORY
MAHOGANY, SHAPING IT ALL INTO A SLEEK HULL WITH THROATY
TWIN ENGINES, SIDE THROTTLES, AND A PIN-STRIPED FOREDECK
TO CREATE FOR YOU THE DAZZLING YET GRACEFUL RIVA AQUARAMA
MOTORBOAT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES,
SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I AM DISGORGED FROM A KETAMINE
TRAFFICKER'S CAMPER VAN IN THE BRONX RIVER FOREST
WHERE I STEAL A TENT FROM AN ABANDONED BIVOUAC AND STRAP IT
TO A DISCARDED BIKE FRAME WHICH I SEAL OFF WITH SOME USED
DUCT TAPE, THEN SCRIMSHAW A RAMBLING MANIFESTO INTO
A RACCOON SKULL WHILE DRIFTING DOWNRIVER ABOARD THE LISTING
SMUGGLER'S CANOE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE"! >> Stephen: IT'S MEDICINE.
IT'S A PAINKILLER. IT'S PALLIATIVE CARE.
MEANWHILE, IN SCOTLAND
A CHURCH BELL THAT CHIMED EVERY HOUR AROUND THE CLOCK
FOR 200 YEARS HAS BEEN SILENCED AFTER "ONE RESIDENT
COMPLAINED THAT THEIR SLEEP WAS BEING DISTURBED."
LOCAL RESIDENT ANGUS FERGUSON AIRED HIS COMPLAINT
AT A TOWN MEETING, SAYING, "ACH!
T'GREEBACH BLETHER ADROCH AFAYGH WEE CRABBIT GERLOCH BELL!"
AND YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT. MEANWHILE, DIOR HAS RELEASED A
SKINCARE LINE FOR BABIES. $230 SCENTED WATER AND $150
MOISTURIZER GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOUR BABY SMOOTH AND HAVE THEIR
FIRST WORD BEING WHY? WHY?
SO YOUNG. MEANWHILE.
IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE HOLIDAYS, THERE'S A JOB
AVAILABLE FOR A "CHRISTMAS MOVIE MAVEN" TO GET PAID $2,000
TO WATCH AND RANK 12 HALLMARK HOLIDAY MOVIES.
WAIT A SECOND. YOU'RE TELLING ME A BIG-CITY
CORPORATION IS LOOKING FOR A SMALL-TOWN MOVIE LOVER
TO HELP THEM SAVE CHRISTMAS AND IT'S NOT A HALLMARK MOVIE
YET? SIRI, GIVE ME MELISSA JOAN HART!
[BLEEP]ED THAT ONE UP. [APPLAUSE]
AMONG THE MOVIES THE FILM FAN WILL HAVE TO RANK ARE HALLMARK
CLASSICS LIKE "CROWN FOR CHRISTMAS,"
"THE NINE LIVES OF CHRISTMAS." "GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS ALWAYS,"
"LIGHTS! CAMERA!
CHRISTMAS!" "GOOD MORNING CHRISTMAS,"
"THE 12 DAVES OF CHRISTMAS" "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES,
NO CHRISTMAS", AND OF COURSE, "I STARTED MAKING UP THOSE
CHRISTMAS MOVIE TITLES HALFWAY THROUGH THE LIST
AND YOU HAD NO IDEA CHRISTMAS." 12 DAVES.
MEANWHILE, KANSAS CITY FOOTBALL MAN PATRICK MAHOMES CONFIRMS
HE'S BEEN WEARING THE SAME PAIR OF UNDERWEAR ON GAME DAY
FOR YEARS. NOW I KNOW.
I GOTTA COME TO HIS DEFENSE HERE.
PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO MAKE HIM FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT,
BUT TRUTH BE TOLD, EVERY NIGHT I DO THIS SHOW, I ALSO WEAR
THE SAME PAIR OF PATRICK MAHOMES' UNDERWEAR.
THANK YOU, PATRICK. THANK YOU.
MAHOMES DID ASSURE US THAT THE UNDERWEAR GETS WASHED SOMETIMES.
>> I WASH THEM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, AT LEAST.
I MEAN, IF WE'RE ON A HOT STREAK, I CAN'T WASH THEM.
I GOTTA JUST KEEP IT ROLLING. >> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
I UNDERSTAND. BUT IT IS DEFINITELY TIME
TO WASH YOUR UNDERWEAR WHEN YOU NOTICE A HOT STREAK.
ANYWAY. THANK YOU, PATRICK.
THANK YOU. MEANWHILE THE HORN A LOT OF
SOCIETY HAS ANNOUNCED THAT OFFENSIVE BIRD NAMES WILL BE
CHANGED. FAREWELL TO THE GRAY BREASTED YO
MAMA SO FAT. THE SPLIT TAILED DRUNKEN
IRISHMAN. AND [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
WE HAVE HAD THAT SHOW AROUND FOR A WHILE.
WHAT SHOULD OPENLY PUT THAT IN? HOW ABOUT THE LAST SHOW BEFORE
HOLIDAY? EVERYONE WANTS TO GO HOME.
[APPLAUSE] BIG UPS FROM THE BAND.
JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING, BASKIN-ROBBINS IS RELEASING TWO
THANKSGIVING THEMED DESSERTS. WE ALREADY HAVE
THANKSGIVING-THEMED DESSERTS: PUMPKIN PIE AND A FISTFUL OF
MASHED POTATOES EATEN AT MIDNIGHT OVER THE SINK.
ONE OF THEM IS A TURKEY CAKE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PERFECTLY
ROASTED TURKEY, FILLED WITH ANY ICE CREAM FLAVOR,
GENEROUSLY COATED WITH A CARAMEL PRALINE GLAZE
AND IT LOOKS LIKE THIS AND LIKE THIS.
LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THAT.
REMEMBER... REMEMBER, REMEMBER EATING THIS
IS JUST LIKE THANKSGIVING WITH EXTENDED FAMILY.
IT'S MUCH BETTER IF YOU JUST GOT HIGH IN THE GARAGE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PETER DINKLAGE!