- First two people I decided to come out to
were my two brothers,
'cause they're my boys, y'all.
(audience laughing)
It was before Uber, so I said, "Hey fellas, get in the van.
"Mom's driving us to the bar.
"I got somethin' to tell ya."
And we blacked out, so the only thing
I kinda remember saying to them
was I grabbed their necks, and I said,
"Brothers, I like my bagels like I like my boobies,
"and that's two at a time in my hands."
And then I squeezed their necks real tight.
So I had to come out to them again properly
the next morning.
(audience laughing)
My one brother is like, "Moll Doll, you said it was obvious.
"How would we know you were gay?"
I said, "Well, I had a bowl cut
"till I was 13 and a half by choice.
"Okay?
"I signed up for sixth grade softball
"so I could wear the pants.
"And I wore my All That T-shirt
"till it disintegrated off of my body."
(audience laughing)
These are the same two brothers
that when I was 10 years old convinced me
that my birth name was not Molly Kearney,
but it was in fact Meat Brick.
(audience laughing)
Meat Brick.
(audience laughing)
They made a fake birth certificate
and crinkled it up
(audience laughing)
and burnt the edges.
And I was like, "This is my destiny."
(audience laughing)
So little Meat Brick went to school the next day
in my jumper, and I went up to Sister Karen's desk
and I said, "Sister Karen, something's come up.
"I will not be answering to Molly anymore.
"You will call me Meat Brick."
Went back to my desk.
Signed my math paper Meat Brick like I was Oprah,
and my friends started calling me MB,
and I love nicknames.
I gave myself my own nickname.
The summer before I was like, "Dad, you'll call me Sport
"or we're not talking for the whole summer."
So my dad and I didn't talk for an entire summer.
(audience laughing)
Can you imagine being on the playground
with good ol' Meat Brick?
I was like a big 1990s Rosanne Barr in fourth grade, okay?
I ate meat bricks for breakfast.
(audience laughing)
Playing red rover and I'm like, "Call me over."
(audience laughing)
And they're like, "M-m-m-m-meat Brick."
And I'm like, "Forget your lunch money,
"I'm gonna eat you whole!"
(audience laughing)
Yeah, so the principal calls my mom
and said, "Mrs. Kearney, your daughter's a little bit
"of a loose cannon.
"She's telling the entire student body
"that her name is Meat Stick."
And my mom goes, "My daughter's name is Meat Brick."
And hung up on her.
(audience laughing)
Family's pretty savage, but we look out for our own.
I dress, well, I dress myself every day
unless I'm hung over, then the day before dresses me.
(audience laughing)
I like love beer, but beer does not love me back.
I'll wake up in the morning sometimes
from a hangover and I'll be like.
(groans)
That's me trying to cry.
I'm just so dehydrated.
(audience laughing)
You guys ever get so hungover
where you cross your legs laying down
to give you the feeling of sitting up for the day?
(audience laughing)
If I'm really that in the hole
I'll call my mom and I'll be like,
"Hey mom, it's me, Molly."
She's like, "Yeah, I pay your cellphone bill.
"What's wrong?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "I wanted to thank you for giving birth
"to my 12 pound baby body,
"and I'm sorry for everything.
"I'm an organ donor.
"This is the last day on earth for me.
"I'm dying."
One day I decided to go to the bar in the morning
and get ahead of the hangover,
and I grabbed my pals and I ordered some Dirty Shirleys
to spice it up a bit.
I took a sip, and this is where you're gonna have to
follow me to the bathroom,
because it went down like a rocket.
I squeezed my butt cheeks together so hard
I could have cracked an egg and made you an omelet.
I get to the bathroom stall
and I do the sign of the cross,
because I'm still Catholic in a crisis.
(audience laughing)
And then all of a sudden I hear something
in the stall next to me that I have never heard
in a bathroom before.
It's a lady's voice and she goes,
"One, two, three, oh, come on."
(audience laughing)
And then everything just kinda just sucked right back up
in me and I was totally fine.
I was like, "What am I even doing in here," you know?
(audience laughing)
So I decided to do the neighborly thing
and I went and I checked on her.
I said, "Knock knock, excuse me, ma'am.
"Do you need a hand?"
She's like,
"Sweetie, I'm trying to get my father off the toilet."
That's when I morphed into my dad and I said,
"Ma'am, step aside."
Was nose to nose with a 90 year old guy and I said,
"Sir, my name's Molly.
"I'm gonna be getting you off this toilet today.
"I know I look like a mirage from the sandlot,
(audience laughing)
"but I am real and in this scenario you are my beast."
So I wrapped my hungover weak body
around his bare back,
because for some reason his daughter
also took his shirt off,
perhaps for a better grip.
And I touched the cookie dough back on him
and I whispered, "On my count."
(audience laughing)
I went, "One, two, three."
♪ Hey yeah yeah eh eh ♪
♪ Hey yeah yeah ♪
♪ I said hey ♪
And he said, "What the hell is going on?"
And his daughter tapped me out, thank God,
and I went back to the bar.
At this point, remember, my friends are sitting there
waiting for me.
It's been 20 minutes.
I'm in a deep sweat and I was like,
"Nothing bad happened.
"I was doing a service."
And then I felt a tap on my shoulder and I was like,
"There's no way that man can move that fast."
But he can.
And he had a walker and he's like,
"Little lady, if you were born a man
"you would be a linebacker for the Cleveland Browns."
And then he paid my tab, y'all!
Thank you guys.
My name's Molly Kearney.