- [Danny] Brothers, one of the things that we have to deal with when it comes to
our people, their emotions, and issues that get them off track,
and one in particular that I think we deal with quite often is the issue of anger.
Something that, really, can just layway people and cause all sorts of issues
related to that. So, when you're dealing with someone in your church that's really
having an issue with anger, especially if it's toward somebody that they're close
to: a mate, their parents, their children, what do you do? How do you try to start
with dealing with that? Bill, why don't you go first.
- [Bill] Well, I think, it's not just the people in the church.
It begins with me. I mean, I think we all sense that frustration with things not
going the way we want them to go, people not cooperating, sense of something being
wrong that we want to correct and we get angry about…and there's a lot of different
reason and I think one of the things that I try to do is try to dig deep.
What is it that's getting me angry? Sort of thing about the cause.
What's that root? And then begin to see how does the gospel apply to that.
But that's where I'd probably begin with people.
- Miguel?
- [Miguel] I think anger is a lot more common than we realize,
some of it is expressed and a lot of it is very dormant, but it comes out as people
try to live their lives. So, trying to find the source of the anger,
I think it is paramount. Because, unless we deal with the root of the problem,
we will never be able to get to the healing of that problem. So,
I think people have, sometimes, unrealistic expectations of relationships,
or even life. You know, we need to remember that we live in a fallen world
and our expectations will never be met in this world. Sometimes people are…they are
lacking acceptance, because in this fallen world, everything's going to be lacking in
some ways. So, I need a measure, significant measure of acceptance
of…sorry, sorry about that…of the conditions in which I am...are,
which I'm found. And so, if you have the expectations at the right level and your
acceptance at the right level, and then I need some level of gratitude as well.
So, that is like a triangle: expectation, acceptance, gratitude.
Because, if it is true, that perhaps my wife is not delivering what I am
expecting, it is also true that there is a lot of good in her that God has invested
and given to me in her, through her. So, once I begin to appreciate her for what
she is, then I might be less angry toward her. So, I think there are some of the
issues that we need to deal with. And then, help them to go to repentance.
A lot of this have to do with sinful...our sinful nature.
- But sometimes, and I think those are great ways to start, people really have
been wronged. I mean, they've been hurt. A husband has been unfaithful to his wife,
and I mean, the wounds and the pain and the anger that she feels is deep,
and understandable. And so, how do you then start where she is,
or where he is, and then begin to move them out of that deep-seated hurt that has
led to that anger. I see the two related, am I not correct in that,
maybe?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there're number of issues, I mean,
the personal hurts, sometimes we're angry because of personal offense.
People have offended us. And one of the things, I think is the gospel,
is that we need to understand our identity in Christ, who we are,
so that words don't have that effect upon us. We can be assured of who we are.
Another thing is that we need to trust in the ultimate justice of God.
Paul talks about that in Romans 12, "Leave room for the wrath of God." God,
ultimately is the one that's going to bring justice to the world and it's not
ultimately our responsibility to do that. And then, also, I think the gospel says,
"Look, God was angry with us and yet he took that anger upon himself." That's the
core of the gospel, that forgiving, gracious love that overcomes our own
offense. And I think people understanding the depth of their own sinfulness,
that when which God has dealt with them, becomes a resource for them to deal with
other people.
- What you're basically saying there is Ephesians 4:32, we're to forgive others as
God in Christ has already forgiven us. And I know when I talk to people like that,
I try gently and graciously and pastorally to get them to get them to the
realization, No one has ever done to you, what your sins did to Christ.
And Christ has offered to you and provided for you, full, complete,
and absolute forgiveness. So, if you can start there, the gospel,
recognizing what God in Christ has already done for you, at least that can be a
starting for you getting to the place where you can forgive others as you have
been forgiven in Him. And then, I'll always say, very realistically,
sometimes when we're hurt, and mad angry, it's superficial. It's kind of like a cut
and so that doesn't take too long to respond to that. The time frame is not so
long. But, sometimes the bruises go to the very soul. And so, I try to be very
honest, Look, I'm not saying you're going to be able to walk out of here today and
everything's good, everything's clean, everything's forgiven, but that at least
needs to be where you start to get there over time. And I try to just help them
understand, it's probably going to take some time to get where you need to be in
terms of forgiveness and dealing with this anger, but at least if you can start there
and we can start moving in the right direction, in time, God's grace will get
you to that point where the forgiveness can be given and the anger will go
along…will abate along with that act of forgiveness.
- Absolutely. I think, trying to understand the other person, it is very
important. Because sometimes people don't trust us just because you don't get it.
You're not understanding what I'm trying to communicate to you.
So, trying to put ourselves in the other person's shoes first,
then begin from there in the direction that you were pointing.
You need to forgive and then the basis for it, it is the cross,
the cross of Christ that helps us to understand how we can forgive.
And, secondly, and finally, forgiveness is a decision, it begins with a decision,
but is a process. So, I begin today because I made a decision,
but I need time, as you were saying, to walk through this and to ask God to do in
me what I cannot do. I think sometimes that is part of the problem,
is that we're trying to do this in our own power, and that's not going to work.
God needs to do that for us. That's where the strength is going to come from and
that's where the Grace is, to be able to forgive someone who has really hurt us
deeply.
- I think there's one other dimension, too. Anger is often frustrated desire,
and often we get angry just by the circumstances of life.
- That's right.
- Getting caught in traffic or, you know, somebody…
- Oh god, be careful, we don't need to go down that road.
- Yeah, exactly, and here I think you have to look to the providence of God.
You know, that God is control, and I'm not and he has better plans for my life than I
do. And, that's a hard one, that's a hard one. But, it's often these simple little
things in life where, just a, I need to do something, I can't do it,
and I get angry. You got to step back and say, "Lord, you know,
you're in charge of these circumstances, you know. We had a picnic planned and it
rained." You know, just things like that, just say, "God, you're good.
Your providence can be trusted." And, again, that flows from the gospel,
knowing God is your father in heaven who cares for you.
- Guys, thanks. I think that's been helpful to me, and I hope it's helpful to
others that will hear our conversation later.