[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] STEVE: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
GREAT TO BE HERE. RECENTLY TURNED 40.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT TURNING 40.
WHEN YOU TURN 40 YOU WILL HEAR THIS IN YOUR LIFE AND HOPEFULLY
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU LOOK GOOD FOR 40. YOU LOOK GOOD FOR 52.
YOU LOOK GOOD FOR 62. YOU NEVER HEAR THAT WHEN YOU'RE
YOUNG.
YOU LOOK GOOD FOR 19. IF YOU HEAR, YOU LOOK GOOD FOR
19, GUESS WHAT, YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD FOR 19.
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE YOUNG. I KNOW THIS.
IT'S OVER.
NO MORE MEDIUM T -SHIRTS FOR THIS GUY.
NO, NO, NO. SATURDAY ROLLS AROUND.
HEY, WE GOING OUT?
WE'RE GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT?
WE'RE NOT.
YOU CAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THERE'S A TWO-HOUR DATELINE.
I'VE GOT TO SOLVE A MURDER WITH LESTER HOLE THAT'S WHAT'S ON MY
DOCKET. I DON'T WANT TO SOUND GRIM OR
NEGATIVE. ONCE I TURN 40, I DEFINITELY
HAVE ACCEPTED DEATH.
I THINK WHEN YOU'RE 20, YOU WANT TO SKYDIVE, SEE THINGS.
ONCE I TURN 40 I'M LIKE ANY TIME NOW.
I'M EXHAUSTED.
I'M TIRED ALL DAY.
I DAYDREAM ABOUT LYING UNDER THINGS.
RIGHT THERE.
I COULD LIE IN FRONT OF THE BAN.
IF I GO TO A GAS STATION AND IT SAYS PLEASE COME INSIDE AND GO
TO SEE THE ATTENDANT. I RATHER DRIVE THREE MILES THAN
GET THREE YARDS TO GATE PIECE OF CRAP PLACE OF BUSINESS BECAUSE
YOU CAN'T FIX THE PUMP. I'LL TAKE THAT.
THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER] AND, YEAH, I'M MARRIED NOW.
AND I'LL TELL YOU THIS, A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS HERE.
LOT -- NEXT TIME. [LAUGHTER]
A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. KNOW THIS, GIRLS, I DON'T SHED
ONE TEAR FOR SINGLE GIRLS.
IT'S SO HARD OUT THERE. IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT.
IT'S TOUGH TO MEET A GUY. GO OUTSIDE.
IS IT?
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. PICK UP A ROCK.
THROW IT. YOU'LL HIT A DUDE.
GO OUT WHEN NOBODY'S OUT. YOU'LL SEE GUYS.
GO GET GAS AT MIDNIGHT. OH, IT'S A GUY.
GO TO WALGREENS IN THE MORNING? OH, IT'S A GUY.
TAKE A LEAK.
OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE A BRANCH.
I HAVE A DAUGHTER AND I HAVE A LITTLE BOY ON THE WAY.
I WANT TO IMPART SOME WORDS OF WISDOM GOING FORWARD.
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP MY FATHER SAID, STEVE, YOU NEVER JUDGE THE
PEOPLE AS A WHOLE.
ALWAYS JUDGE THE INDIVIDUAL.
I'M GOING TO SAY FOR EXAMPLE, YOU CAN'T HATE ALL JEWISH
PEOPLE. THAT'S AWFUL.
OF COURSE, YOU CAN HATE A JEWISH PERSON.
BUT IT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR TO HATE ALL OF BANKING INDUSTRY,
WALL STREET, TELEVISION, HOLLYWOOD ITSELF, DOCTORS,
ESSENTIALLY OUR LEGAL SYSTEM, OUR SPORTS COMMISSIONER, THE
MASS MEDIA, UPPER EAST SIDE OF NEW YORK CITY.
[APPLAUSE] WHAT'S TO HATE?
[LAUGHTER] THANK YOU, BLACK GENE SIMMONS.
SORRY.
HE LOOKED -- THAT MANE IS GORGEOUS.
I SEE YOU GOING -- YOU'VE GOT A -- GOOD BIG
FOREHEAD. I'M JEALOUS.
I WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE GREAT FRIENDS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE GREATEST FRIEND YOU CAN HAVE GROWING UP.
I'LL TELL YOU WHO THE GREATEST HUMAN BEING ARE RIGHT NOW.
FAT WHITE GIRLS.
FAT WHITE GIRLS ARE AHEAD OF THE GAME.
WHATEVER FAT WHITE GIRLS DO IT TAKES THE COUNTRY A FEW YEARS TO
CATCH UP TO THEM WHICH SOUNDS IRONIC.
[LAUGHTER] NOW, LET'S BE HONEST WITH EACH
OTHER.
HONEST, 20 YEARS AGO -- 20 YEARS AGO, NOBODY'S SLEEPING WITH
BLACK GUYS. 20 YEARS AGO, NO ONE SLEEPING
WITH BLACK GUYS YEARS AGO.
BUT WHO IS SLEEPING WITH A BLACK GUY?
FAT WHITE GIRL. FLASH FORWARD TO TODAY.
WHO'S SLEEPING WITH A BLACK GUY?
EVERYBODY'S SLEEPING WITH THE BLACK GUYS.
THANK YOU, FAT WHITE GIRLS. STOP LOOKING AT REGGIE WHEN I DO
THAT JOKE.
YOU'RE A LITTLE GAY BOY.
YOU CAN'T GO WITH THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
WHO'S GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE MALL?
YOUR FIRST FRIEND FROM JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, FAT WHITE GIRL.
FLASH FORWARD TO TODAY. WHO'S GOT A GAY FRIEND?
WE ALL LOVE THE GAYS. THANK YOU, FAT WHITE GIRLS.
FAT WHITE GIRLS, YOU HAVE A NEW MISSION AND IT START THIS IS
EVENING EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
START BANGING ASIAN GUYS. PLEASE MAKE US NEXT.
WE'RE IN A HIGHER TAX BRACKET, PRETTY GOOD WITH TECHNOLOGY.
A LOT OF UPSIDE AND YOU BETTER LIKE THE HELL OUT OF THAT JOKE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.