Let's kick things off with the news out of Congress today
where Republicans held a hearing about how social media
silences conservatives, at least that's what
they were trying to prove.
The problem is once Twitter executives started testifying,
we found out that lots of complaints
came from the big, fat baby who used to be president.
Earlier, you testified about a 2019 tweet that
was about President Trump.
And I think it was from Ms. Teigen.
What was the tweet about?
Please excuse my language.
This is a direct quote.
But Chrissy Teigen referred to Donald Trump
as a pussy-ass bitch.
OK.
From my understanding, the White House reached out to ask
that this tweet be removed.
At that time up, to three insults were allowed,
and so it was our job to determine
how many insults were included within that phrase.
[crowd cheering]
I love that Twitter had to decide whether pussy-ass
bitch was one insult or three.
It does beg the question.
Is Donald Trump a pussy and an ass and a bitch?
Or is he just a bitch with pussy-ass qualities?
[crowd cheering]
I love when I have to get philosophical.
Interesting that Trump doesn't like
being called a pussy-ass bitch when those
are his three favorite things.
Either way, asking Twitter to take
down a mean tweet about you is really a pussy-ass bitch move.
But that's enough about the old president.
Let's move on to the new president,
who also is very old.
Last night was the State of the Union, Washington DC's biggest
non-orgy event of the year.
And I'm going to be honest--
I have never watched the State of the Union
before because I have a life.
So I wasn't looking forward to it,
but I'm glad I tuned in because it wasn't nearly as boring
as I thought it would be.
In fact, it's apparently got a bit
of a UFC/junior-high-cafeteria vibe now.
Even before the speech started, things started getting rowdy.
There were some tense moments at last night's State
of the Union address.
Cameras captured a heated exchange
between embattled Congressman George Santos
and Senator Mitt Romney.
One lip reader posted this account
of how the exchange went down.
[crowd cheering]
I would like to go on the record
tonight and say that I am sexually
attracted to Mitt Romney.
It's not the first time and it won't be the last time.
I don't even care that he's a Republican or a Mormon.
In fact, since he's a Mormon, he'll be open to another wife.
And if not, he's a Republican so he'll
be open to having an affair.
Problem solved.
And, yeah, what Romney said doesn't sound too harsh,
but remember it's Mitt Romney.
You ought to be embarrassed, son,
is the Mormon equivalent of suck my [bleep]
[bleep] you pussy-ass bitch.
[crowd cheering]
And then, when Biden actually started talking,
his Republican friends across the aisle were not having it.
Entering a house chamber now run by Republicans,
President Biden extending his hand to the new speaker,
Kevin McCarthy, before confronting
Republican heckling head on.
Tangling over the fate of Social Security and Medicare,
the president taking aim at an idea
floated by just a few Republicans.
Instead of making the wealthy pay their fair share,
some Republicans--
some Republicans want Medicare and Social Security to sunset.
I'm not saying it's a majority.
The comment drawing outrage and boos
including from GOP firebrand Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Republicans were acting like wild animals and I liked it.
Keep this up, you guys.
You finally made a State of the Union watchable.
Marjorie Taylor Greene stood up during the speech
and screamed out, "liar."
And then George Santos stood up and is like, over here.
[crowd cheering]
What are we going to do about Marjorie Taylor Greene?
I mean, she's like one of those dogs that needs a big backyard
to run outside and expend all of her energy,
but instead she's stuck living inside a one bedroom apartment
slamming her head against the wall.
When are they going to put this woman
on Real Housewives of Atlanta?
And, to be fair, MTG wasn't the only one dressed
like a lunatic last night.
Look at the outfit Kyrsten Sinema chose to wear.
She looks like she's going to a quinceañera as the pinata.
[crowd cheering]
For a comprehensive look at the State of the Union,
we go to Roy Wood, Junior, who's in DC.
[crowd cheering]
Well, Chels, hello.
Hi, Roy.
You were at the State of the Union.
What did you think of Biden's speech?
Chelsea, it was amazing.
I loved all the things the president said.
Biden talked, and he said some stuff,
and he talked a little bit.
Back to you.
Well, wait. Wait.
Wait, Roy, we just started.
Like, what specifically did you like
about the State of the Union?
Oh, well, you know, all of it, you know.
I liked the part where he talked about the Union
and the state it's in.
You know, Russia, health care, eggs, he was talking.
He said some stuff.
It sounds like you didn't actually watch the speech.
All right. Fine.
I didn't watch it, OK?
I didn't watch the State of the Union.
I went to a bar to watch LeBron James
break the all-time scoring record in the NBA!
That's where I was.
I was at a bar.
Pardon me for wanting to see history.
How do you expect me to pay attention
to a boring-ass speech?
I don't care about Biden.
That mother [bleep] can't even dunk.
Well, first off, you don't know that he can't dunk.
And second, I'm sorry the game interfered with your job,
but they can't move the State of the Union.
What you mean they can't move the State of the Union.
It ain't Christmas.
It's just an old dude talking to a bunch of other old dudes.
That can happen at any time.
Biden should either have moved the speech back a week
or just done the speech at the game.
He could have fit the whole thing in during the timeout.
Infrastructure good.
Gas prices low.
Police bad, but also good.
Build Back Better on 3!
1, 2, 3, Build Back Better!
That's all he had to do.
Well, Roy, I'm glad that you got to watch the Lakers win.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
The Lakers lost.
But in a way, isn't that a metaphor for America.
In what way?
Yeah, I don't know.
I was hoping you had something.
But aren't you excited about this?
You live in LA.
You must be hyped up LeBron broke the record.
Yeah, definitely.
Because now he has more points than the guy
that had it before.
And you know who that is right?
Yep.
Of course I do.
He's the tall Black guy.
OK.
So you are a fan.
That's right.
Roy Wood, Junior, everybody!