(calm Christmas music)
- This looks fantastic, Mrs. Johnson.
- Yeah, it almost looks as good as Mom's.
- Stephanie, Carroll worked extremely hard on this.
- Oh, this?
I just threw together a simple recipe.
(smoke detector sounds)
- Oh! (bleep)
Oh Holy! (bleep)
Ah!
(calm Christmas music)
- This is almost perfect.
If only Kyle could have made it home
for Christmas this year.
(knocking)
(door creaks)
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
- Kyle, what a Christmas miracle!
- Anything for you, Dad.
(chuckles)
- Can we go a different route or something?
Why are you even going down this street?
This street is terrible at this time of day.
Can you double-time it?
Can we just get a little faster, man?
I'm kind of late for a flight right now.
Literally 15 minutes, I'm stressing out!
Have you ever tried to check through security
during the holidays?!
(cars honking)
This is freakin' nuts!
Can, you turn up the AC?
(calm Christmas music)
(silverware clanking)
(flashback)
- Okay remember, we can't bring up the Asian thing.
- What Asian thing?
- Shhh!
- Can't I say "Asian" in my own home?
So James, I had some Thai food the other day.
It was to Thai for.
- Oh! (laughter)
Oh, honey.
(Carroll wheezes)
(flashback)
- My dad, he's not a racist,
but he might tell a bad joke or two.
- Wait, what?
- Don't worry about it, just ignore him.
Dad!
Daddy!
(flashforward)
- I'm Chinese.
(sighs)
But I do love Thai food.
- Yeah, and we like Chinese food too.
- Oh yes, yes!
- Yeah.
- Maybe you could cook some for us.
- Okay Carroll, we're done.
- Don't they all cook?
- I'm sure Chinese people cook.
- [Carroll] He said he's Chinese
do you think he doesn't know...
- I don't know much about him,
I just met him also, so.
- Alrighty then, we normally do Christmas presents
after dinner, but I just can't help myself.
(calm Christmas music)
- Thank you
- Woah, the new G Phone 6-7s, Dad!
- Oh my gosh!
Thank you so much, Daddy!
- How'd you get this?
They're sold out everywhere.
- A magician never reveals his secrets.
(flashback)
(baby wailing)
- [Intercom] Attention shoppers...
(alarm sounding)
(glass breaking)
- Ah!
(automatic rifle firing)
- I saw it first.
- Well, anything for my kids. (chuckles)
- Ho, ho, ho!
(drunken sigh) It's Santa, everybody!
It's not your brother, the big disappointment,
Greg!
(flashback)
- Johnny, look I know this has been
a hard year for you with the divorce and everything.
But I think for Christmas, we're just gonna do our family.
I hope you understand.
- Oh yeah,
Merry Christmas. (hangs up)
Nobody loves Johnny.
(inhales)
But everyone loves Santa!
(flashforward)
I'm just sayin' we should give Trump a chance!
(silverware crashes)
(claps)
- Okay, I think it's time
to take our family Christmas picture.
- Great idea! - Yeah.
- Yeah!
(sigh)
- The family's all here.
- James, get in the picture.
- No, no I don't think James should be in the picture.
- Daddy, that's not fair!
- It is fair!
This is a family picture.
James is not family!
- Oh my God that's so rude!
- Well I'm not family yet,
but I was hoping to change that tonight.
- Oh God.
- Steph, will you marry me?
- Yes!
- Absolutely not!
- Daddy! - Greg.
What do you think you're doing?
- [Greg] You hardly know him!
- You barely knew Carroll when you married her!
(everyone shouting)
- It's not different, she was Mom's funeral director!
- One, two, three.
(camera snaps)
(happy Christmas music)
(whooshes)
(creaks)
(electronic dance music)