Sup guys? I'm Lavernius Tucker from the popular web-series, Red vs Blue.
And I'm Dick Simmons from the same show.
Now I know what you're thinking: how does this blue guy have time
to star in such hilarious internet videos when he's so busy being a space-faring,
sword wielding, super-soldier chick magnet?
And you're probably asking yourself a similar question about me.
I mean, let's be honest, all the ladies are lining up to get some Dick... Simmons!
Well the answer to your question is years of experience! Which is why I'm here to tell you
fellas how to score the ladies when you're out on the town!
And due to my years of experience with the internet, I'm here to inform you all
about the technologically superior form of social interaction: online dating!
Now the first step to hooking up with a hot girl is knowing where to look.
Typically, the best place to start going on the prowl is at a night club.
Be sure to find the darkest one with the loudest music and the biggest crowds.
Hey bro, you're holdin' up the line!
Come on man, I'm trying to do a thing.
Why does the club have to be dark?
I'm glad you asked, Simmons! Studies show that poor lighting conceals blemishes and
improves appearances by 35 percent, so all club patrons immediately seem more attractive
than they actually are.
HEY, YOU LOOK HOT!
THANKS! IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE MY HORRIFIC FACIAL SCAR! HAHA!
Loud music is key because it eliminates the possibility of a conversation going beyond
superficial small-talk. Does she want to talk about something you don't care for?
Just act like you can't hear her.
IS THAT A HORRIFIC FACIAL SCAR?
YEAH, THIS SONG IS GREAT!
And lastly, the larger the crowd the better. Statistically speaking, the more people
there are, the better your chances are of getting laid. That's just science!
Alternatively, you can use the miracle of the web to search for a soulmate from the comfort
of your own home. Nowadays there's a plethora of dating resources to choose from
like Match.com, OKCupid, or even Craigslist! But if you're like me and want to
keep social interaction to a minimum, then there's always good ol' Tinder!
Please Simmons, tell us more about this “Tinder”.
Personally, I swipe “yes” for every woman because it's more efficient than taking
the time to judge each individual female. I've averaged 134 swipes per minute!
I like the way you think, Simmons.
Eventually, if someone swipes you into their “yes” category,
you're matched with them in a private chat.
Which brings us to our next topic: Talking to women.
When matched with someone on Tinder, immediately send them a message to show them
your go-getter attitude. If they don't respond within a few seconds, continue
sending them messages. They are either testing you or they may just be shy,
so comfort them with a wide variety of emoji and emoticons.
Does eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign,
capital D count as an emoticon? Bow chicka bow wow.
Don't be afraid to ask your match the hard-hitting questions.
You'll want to establish an emotional connection right off the bat, so really get into
the intimate details of their lives. Things like, “Where do you live?” or “What's
your relationship like with your father?” Soon, they'll be dying to meet you in real life.
Once you've spotted a mark at the club, take the time to appreciate their body.
They've worked hard for it, so show them that you're impressed by staring them up and down.
After an appropriate 5 to 30 minutes of admiring their body, approach the female.
You can then make your presence known by delivering a well thought-out and rehearsed
pick up line, such as...
HEY HOT STUFF! NICE LEGS! What time do they open? SO WE CAN--
OHHHH, THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A HORRIFIC SCAR!
Remember: If at first you don't succeed, there's probably a hospital nearby!
If you've followed my step-by- step guide, you should be well on your way to a fiery night
with at least two Brazilian super-models.
And if you've followed my guide, you will have arranged a date with one of your matches.
Hopefully someplace classy. Not super classy, though. Just like... a place with
unlimited salad and breadsticks.
But in the event that you haven't sealed the deal with any super-models, because
you royally screwed up my bulletproof advice, you can always try to salvage the night
by finding the emotionally vulnerable.
Hey sweet cheeks, you seem upset. Anything I can do for you?
I was meeting someone on a date, but it looks like they ditched me.
She sent a winky smiley face! This is getting too serious!
So there you have it. With a little practice,
you'll be reeling in all the ladies at the club.
And once you've exhausted every potential match on Tinder,
you can move onto another dating application. Like Hot or Not!
Hey, are you ScilonSlayer19?
GOTTA GO.
Wait! You get over here right now!
Psh. Some dudes just don't get women like I do.
Lavernius Tucker: Love Doctor Extraordin--
OOPH!
Nobody here had a problem with that, right?
- Not at all. - Nope!