OUR NEXT GUEST IS A TALENTED WRITER AND A BRILLIANT STAND-UP
COMEDIAN.
HER BRAND-NEW ALBUM, "CORSET," IS ON SALE AND STREAMING NOW.
PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY TALENTED LAURIE KILMARTIN!
>> HERE I AM.
OH, WOW.
THANK YOU.
OH MY GOD.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> THANK YOU.
OH, YOU GUYS, PLEASE, PLEASE.
HOW ARE YOU?
YOU SEEM GOOD.
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
I HAVE A SON WHO JUST TURNED 14, WHICH IS A SCARY AGE, YOU KNOW,
THERE IS A LOT TO WORRY ABOUT.
I'M VERY CONCERNED.
I DON'T WANT MY SON WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY.
YEAH.
I'VE DECIDED IF I EVER CATCH MY SON WATCHING PORN, HOW I WILL
HANDLE IT, IS I WILL SIT DOWN AND WATCH IT WITH HIM.
(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE WHAT BETTER WAY TO DE
TER HIM FROM WATCHING MORE PORN.
THEN THE MEMORY OF HIS MOTHER COMMENTING ON IT.
(LAUGHTER) I WILL RUIN IT FOR HIM.
I WILL BE LIKE HONEY, NO, WOMEN DON'T MAKE THAT NOISE.
YEAH, THAT IS NOT A NATURAL SOUND FROM A WOMAN FSM A WOMAN
EVER MAKES THAT NOISE IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S REALLY BEHIND ON
HER RENT.
(LAUGHTER) THAT GAL I THINK OWES ABOUT
4,000 DOLLARS.
I MOW CUZ I HAVE MADE THAT NOISE TWICE.
I AM A STRICT MOM.
I DON'T LET MY SON HAVE A SMARTPHONE.
OBVIOUSLY FOR PORN BUT ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT, KIDS DON'T KNOW HOW
TO USE REFERENCE BOOKS, THEY JUST GOOGLE STUFF AND I THINK
THAT IS ACTUALLY REALLY BAD FOR THEIR BRAINS, YOU KNOW, I WAS
RAISED ON ENCYCLOPEDIAS, NIBBLES?
YES, THAT IS RIGHT.
HERE IS MY POINT.
I STILL HAVE ALL MY CHILDHOOD INSEEK PEDESTRIANIAS FOR
NOSTALGIC PURPOSES SO I TOOK MY SON TO THE STORAGE UNIT AND I
SAID IF YOU CAN USE THESE BOOKS TO TELL ME WHO IS THE PRIME
MINISTER OF GREAT BRITAIN IN WORLD WAR II, I WILL GET YOU A
BRAND NEW $1200 iPHONE RIGHT NOW, RIGHT.
AND HE GOES RIGHT TO THE W ENCYCLOPEDIA, AND I WAS LIKE OH
NO, I UNDERSTATEMENT-- UNDERESTIMATED
HIM.
IS HE GOING TO LOOK UP WORLD WAR II.
AND BUT INSTEAD HE TRIED TO LOOK UP WHO WAS THE PRIME MINISTER OF
GREAT BRITAIN.
(APPLAUSE) WHAT AN INCREDIBLE VICTORY FOR
ME.
I'M SO STILL HIGH OFF OF IT.
HE DOES NOT LIKE IT TO READ SO I HAVE ALWAYS READ OUT LOUD TO
HIM.
AND SOMETIMES HAVE I BEEN AMBITIOUS ON BOOK CHOICE.
YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN HE WAS NINE YEARS OLD I DECIDED TO READ HIM
THE DIREY OF ANN FRANK, YOU KNOW, WELL, AT THE TIME I WAS
THINKING FEMALE PROTTING A NIS, HE WILL HE WILL LEARN WILL
HISTORY, IT WILL BE GOOD FOR HIM, I DIDN'T REALIZE NINE YEARS
OLD IS WAY TOO YOUNG FOR THATK BOO.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER, A LOT HAPPENS IN THAT BOOK, LIKE
ANN FRANK GETS HER PERIOD.
AND MY SON GOES MOMMY, WHAT IS A PERIOD.
AND OH, OKAY.
WELL, WHEN GIRLS ARE ANN'S AGE THEY START TO MENS STRAIGHT AND
THAT MEANS ONCE A MONTH BLOOD FLOWS UNCONTROLLABLY OUT OF
THEIR VAGINAS.
FOR FOUR TO 15 DAYS.
(LAUGHTER) DEPENDING ON THE GIRL.
AND HERE IS THE THING, WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT IS, IT IS TO BIG
DEAL TO US.
BUT TO WATCH SOMEONE HEAR THAT INFORMATION FOR THE FIRST
TIME,-- YEAH.
GUYS, IF YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS, GO TO A PARK TOMORROW, PLEASE.
TREAT YOURSELF.
FIND SOME NINE YEAR OLD, READ A JUDY BLUM eBOOK OUTLOUD,.
>> MY KIDS WON'T EVEN TALK, ONE HAND WENT RIGHT TO THE CROUCH
BECAUSE I THINK HE HOUT IT WOULD START BLEEDING, FOR FOUR TO 15
DAYS AND THE OTHER HAND WENT UP TO BLOCK MORE INFORMATION AND
THEN HE JUST WAILED.
AAHH.
IT WAS LIKE A MINUTE LONG DANCE.
AND THEN HE CALMED DOWN AND PICKED UP THE BOOK AGAIN AND HE
GOES WOW, I HOPE NO MORE BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO TAIN FRANK.
(LAUGHTER) AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED OH, I
HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
HE CAN'T HANDLE THE ENDING OF THIS BOOK.
HE WILL HAVE A STROKE.
SO ON THE FLY I CAME UP WITH A DIFFERENT ENDING TO THE DIARY OF
ANN FRANK.
I SAID SCREW T I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS LITTLE GIRL THE LIFE SHE
SHOULD HAVE HAD.
SO I SAID GREAT ANIES, HONEY, SHE SURVIVED THE WAR, SHE CAME
TO AMERICA.
SHE MARRIED THE SINGER-SONGWRITER JAMES TAYLOR.
(LAUGHTER) AND THEN SHE OPENED A VERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMEN'S CLOTHING STORE ANN TAYLOR LOFT.
TO HONOR HER TIME IN THE AT TICK, GOD BLESS AMERICA, THAT'S
IT IT FOR ME.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> James: LAURIE KILMARTIN, EVERYBODY, HER BRILLIANT ALBUM
CORSET IS OUT RIGHT NOW.
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY.