WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HUGE NEWS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP ALMOST HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR YEARS NOW, PEOPLE WANTED TO
SEE HIS TAX RETURNS.
THE ONLY THING HE HIDES MORE FIERCELY IS THE TRUE COLOR OF
HIS FACE.
I'M GOING TO GUESS BEACHED JELLYFISH.
WELL, LAST NIGHT AT AROUND 7:30, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OUR FRIEND
RACHEL MADDOW UNLEASHED A FORCE 5 TWEET-ICON WITH:
"WE'VE GOT TRUMP TAX RETURNS.
TONIGHT, 9:00 P.M., MSNBC.
SERIOUSLY."
SO IMPORTANT FOR NEWS NETWORKS TO ADD "SERIOUSLY" TO ANY
ANNOUNCEMENT, SO THE AUDIENCE KNOWS YOU'RE NOT
PRANKING THEM, LIKE YOU DO IT'S A LONG TRADITION IN THE NEWS
BUSINESS.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE HINDENBERG BROADCAST.
>> OH, THE HUMANITY!
THE FLAMES ARE GOING UP.
I'M NOT YANKING YOUR CHAIN, FOLKS.
FOR REALSIES!" >> Stephen: FOR REELZIES.
AND WE WERE ALL GRIEWD TO IT.
WE ALL WATCHED THE TWITTER FEED.
AND WHEN 9:00 CAME, RACHEL TOOK US ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER
BECAUSE, LIKE A ROLLER COASTER, AT THE END WE WERE ALL RIGHT
BACK WHERE WE STARTED, AND FEELING A LITTLE QUEASY.
FIRST, SHE LET US KNOW JUST HOW MUCH INFORMATION SHE HAD.
>> THIS DOCUMENT HAS SURFACED.
IT HAS BEEN HANDED TO A REPORTER, AND THAT'S AN
IMPORTANT PART OF THIS STORY.
THAT MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS STORY.
>> Stephen: SHE'S GOT NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN AFTER 20 MINUTES OF
EXPLAINING WHAT TAXES ARE AND WHO DONALD TRUMP IS, MADDOW WAS
READY SHOW US THE TAX RETURN.
>> WE GOT IT TONIGHT, AND I AM BUT IT'S A START, AND OUR LITTLE
PIECE OF IT.
WE JUST GOT IT.
WE'LL GO THROUGH IT NEXT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHAT!
A CLIFFHANGER?
IS THIS NEWS OR A REALITY SHOW?
I DON'T WANT TO WATCH "AMERICA'S GOT 1040s."
PROBABLY BE PRETTY GOOD.
AFTER THE BREAK, WE PHENYLLY GOT THE LONG-AWAITED REVELATIONS.
>> WHAT I HAVE HERE IS A COPY OF DONALD TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS.
WE HAVE HIS FEDERAL TAX RETURN FOR ONE YEAR, FOR 2005.
HE PAID $38 MILLION-- LOOKS LIKE $38 MILLION IN TAXES.
HE TOOK A BIG WRITE-DOWN OF $103 MILLION DOLLARS-- MORE
ON THAT LATER.
IF YOU ADD UP THE LINES FOR INCOME, HE MADE MORE THAN
$150 MILLION IN THAT YEAR.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE, $38 MILLION, OKAY.
WHAT IS IT, $10 THREE MILLION WRITE-DOWN.
$150 MILLION IN INCOME, THAT ADDS UP TO...
ZERO (BLEEP) BEING GIVEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
CHECK MY MATH ON THAT ONE.
YEAH.
HERE'S THE DEAL-- WE KNOW HE'S RICH ALREADY.
ALL RIGHT.
BE SURE TO TUNE IN TO RACHEL'S NEXT SPECIAL REPORT, "WOLF!
WOLF!
AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT WHAT THE BOY CRIED."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BEFORE RACHEL EVEN WENT ON
THE AIR, HERE'S THE DEAL IT'S WHITE HOUSE STOLE HER THUNDER BY
RELEASING ALL THE INFORMATION ON TRUMP'S TAX RETURN.
SO, APPARENTLY, I THINK THIS PROVES IF THEY THINK YOU ALREADY
HAVE THE INFORMATION, TRUMP'S TEAM IS MORE THAN HAPPY TO
CONFIRM IT.
I GUESS NOW'S A GOOD TIME TO TELL THE WHITE HOUSE THAT
SOMEONE FEDEXED ME A URINE-SOAKED VIDEOTAPE.
YOUR MOVE, GUYS.
WHO KNOWS?
WHO KNOWS WHAT'S IN THERE?
NO IDEA.
COULD BE ANYTHING.
( APPLAUSE ) THE WHITE HOUSE STATEMENT ALSO
SAID, "BEFORE BEING ELECTED PRESIDENT, MR. TRUMP WAS ONE OF
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMEN IN THE WORLD WITH A
RESPONSIBILITY TO HIS COMPANY, HIS FAMILY, AND HIS EMPLOYEES TO
PAY NO MORE TAX THAN LEGALLY REQUIRED."
YES, DONALD TRUMP DOES THE MINIMUM OF EVERYTHING.
THAT'S HOW HE BECAME PRESIDENT-- BY GETTING NO MORE VOTES THAN
LEGALLY REQUIRED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE GOT IN THERE, ANYWAY.
( CHEERS ) LEGALLY, LEGALLY HE'S PRESIDENT.
NOW, THE SHOW ALSO REVEALED THAT MADDOW GOT TRUMP'S TAXES BECAUSE
"COPIES OF THE TAX RETURNS ANONYMOUSLY WERE PUT IN THE
MAILBOX OF JOURNALIST DAVID CAY JOHNSTON."
BUT THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T BUY THAT STORY BECAUSE THIS MORNING,
HE TWEETED: "DOES ANYBODY REALLY BELIEVE
THAT A REPORTER WHO NOBODY EVER HEARD OF, 'WENT TO HIS
MAILBOX' AND FOUND MY TAX RETURNS?
@NBCNEWS, FAKE NEWS!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
DOES ANYBODY?
REALLY, SERIOUSLY?
NOBODY.
COME ON.
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: NOBODY, NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS DAVID CAY
JOHNSTON GUY, EXEPS MAYBE WHOEVER ENGRAVED HIS NAME ON TO
A PULITZER.
SO WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHO PUT OUT THIS STORY OR WHY.
BUT JOHNSTON HAS SOME THEORIES.
>> BY THE WAY, LET ME POINT OUT, IT'S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE DONALD
SENT THIS TO ME.
DONALD TRUMP HAS OVER THE YEARS LEAKED ALL SORTS OF THINGS.
DONALD HAS A LONG HISTORY OF LEAKING MATERIAL ABOUT HIMSELF
WHEN HE THINKS IT'S IN HIS INTERESTS.
>> Stephen: ALTHOUGH, AGAIN, HE'S BETTER KNOWN FOR WATCHING
OTHER PEOPLE LEAKING.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, SO, SO--
( LAUGHTER ) SO MAYBE TRUMP IS HIS OWN
LEAKER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT SOUNDS CRAZY.
I REALIZE THAT SOUNDS CRAZY.
BUT IT'S NO CRAZIER THAN KELLYANNE CONWAY SUGGESTING OUR
MICROWAVES ARE CAMERAS.
"HELLO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
AND WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW" MICROWAVE CAM.
PRO TIP: ALWAYS REMOVE YOUR TINFOIL HAT BEFORE YOU STICK
YOUR HEAD IN HERE OR ELSE IT WILL START TO SPARK.
I'LL SET THE MICROWAVE TO TRUTH.
( BEEPING ) ( LAUGHTER )
FOLLOW ME HERE, OKAY.
MAYBE TRUMP DID LEAK HIS OWN TAX RETURNS FROM THE YEAR
WHEN HE "ACTUALLY" PAID TAXES, TO DISPEL RUMORS THAT HE HASN'T
PAID TAXES FOR 20 YEARS.
OR MAYBE THIS WHOLE TAX THING IS JUST A DISTRACTION FROM THE
INVESTIGATION INTO HIS CONNECTIONS TO RUSSIA.
OR MAYBE THAT IS JUST A DISTRACTION FROM THE FACT THAT
TRUMPCARE'S DEAD ON ARRIVAL.
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT MAKES SENSE.
AND IF YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, IT MAKES EVEN BETTER SENSE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT WAIT!
I WILL TELL YOU, I WILL TELL YOU WHERE HE REALLY TRIPPED UP
BECAUSE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- ON HIS TAX RETURN, ON
THE LINE THAT ASKS, "IF YOU WANT TO DONATE $3 TO PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION CAMPAIGN," HE CHECKED YES.
OKAY?
AND THEN, A MERE 11 YEARS LATER, HE CONVENIENTLY RUNS FOR
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND IS ABLE TO COLLECT HIS SWEET
$3 BACK.
FOLLOW THE MONEY!
HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT, RACHEL!
HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL BE TALKING
TO JESSICA LANGE.
BUT FIRST, WE'LL HAVE THE LATEST ON DONALD TRUMP'S NIGHT OF
RALLIES.