One question we get is, when is it time to give up? When is it
time to end this marriage? When's it time to let go? I am Dr.
Joe beam. This is Kimberly Holmes, our CEO at marriage helper.
Kimberly, I don't want to take a lot of time digging into this
because of the fact that we like concentrating on helping people
to save their marriages. But there is such a time when it's time
to let go, right?
Yes. We're very hesitant to say that because we realize that
it's the choice of the person who is standing for the marriage
wanting to save the marriage. And so yes, I mean, sometimes
people will say, I don't want false hope. So we don't ever want
to give false hope. But we have a lot of hope, real hope,
positive hope to give, because we've seen a lot of marriages
turnaround. And so this is a difficult question for me to answer
because I just feel like that story of, of that hiker who was
like climbing Mount Everest or something and was coming down
when like, it was nighttime, and he was trying to come back
down. And he ended up stopping, because he just thought, I'm
like, I'm so cold, I can't go any further. I'm just stopping
ended up dying of hypothermia. When they found him he was a foot
from the ground. But he had given up too soon. And that's what I
always think of when people ask this question, because do you
ever really know what could have happened if you would have hung
on a little longer? But that's,
I get you understand? Yeah. So let me start with at a point
where most people probably wouldn't even think we would ever
begin. And a few years ago, when I was in California, speaking,
a lady approached me her husband had divorced her, he had
already married another woman. And she was asking me how I could
help her get him to divorce his current wife, and prepare her.
And I told her, I can't conscientiously help do something like
that. I mean, I admit what he did was wrong, he should have
never divorced you. I think that getting into this other
relationship was not the right thing to do. But he's in it now.
And I can't help destroy a marriage, or at least I won't help
destroy marriage is so much against my belief in value system.
And so while it may sound ridiculous to hear from us, when they
would say is, if your spouse has married somebody else, yeah,
it's definitely time to give up. Now, other than that, Kimberly,
I can work on this principle. We talk a lot about the PI's
physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. We also talk about
a principle that people typically don't leave what they have,
unless they believe what they're going to his better, now may
not be better, but they believe what they're going to is better.
Now, there's a version of that, in my opinion, and I'm throwing
this at you kind of raw here. You haven't heard me say this. But
why don't think, and I want to hear how you react to it. I
believe that the same general principle applies to when there's
it's happening to throw in the towel, winds attempt me either to
file for divorce or to sign the divorce papers already offered
to me, would be okay. When you think in terms of not leaving
what you have unless what you're going to is better think in
terms of pass physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual.
We've talked about this a little bit when it comes to the
valley. Let's talk about it. Now in terms of divorce, if you are
being physically damaged, I mean, your immune systems go into
pot Are you gained 60 pounds, and you're becoming unhealthy, and
other words is beginning to affect you, health wise, physically
speaking, I would say it's time to start considering pulling the
plug because otherwise it's going to destroy you. Or if your
spouse is getting worse, when it comes to physical things. We
are always against any kind of spousal abuse, period, no matter
how it's done, no matter how minor it may appear to be, we're
totally against it. But if you find yourself in physical
Jeopardy, it is time to get away. It is time. Now, you may not
immediately divorce, you may ask the other person, you've got to
go get some help for this. And if they do, we'd be glad to help
you reconcile. But physically speaking, safety, but not just for
you. Safety, if you have children, or your children. And so
let's say that your spouse is a pedophile, and that your spouse
has been abusing your children. We would say in how and beams
opinion, my opinion, and I'll see what you think, Kimberly, I'd
say you can't, you can't stay in that home with those children
exposed to that person with that problem. Now, so physically, I
look at it like there's some physical reasons when it just makes
sense. You have to end this, intellectually, is when you get to
the point where you can't really function anymore. You can't
keep your job. You get in a car to go to the store, go to the
grocery store, and 10 minutes later you realize that you're on
the other side of town because you you just lost track of even
being able to think and so intellectually, or your kids, if
again, your kids living at home, and so now they will go from
straight A's to D's and F's and they just Can't think, then it's
time to eat in that one if you could reconcile like unhealthy
kids, obviously. But sometimes you have to make a decision, I've
got to do something for the children right now. Well,
emotionally the same way, spiritually the same way. You agree?
Or do you think I'm off track here?
I agree that if someone is not safe, or if there's abuse at home
or a situation, you know, akin to the pedophile example, right,
that makes total sense, you have to get safe. And if there's no
help, if the person who has that kind of behaviors is not going
to get help and change their ways, then that's definitely a
difficult decision to make about ending the marriage. I mean,
the decision may not be as difficult at that point. But it's the
heartbreaking decision to make where I would question some
things is more about the personal aspect. So you mentioned if
they're gaining weight or losing weight, or can't think clearly
because they personally are being so affected. My my caveat to
that would be have they followed the seven step plan had they
actually tried to get calm? Or have they just allowed the
situation to take hold of them, and they're falling prey to
their emotions and feelings in the moment, but if someone's done
the work to get calm, and because of the weight of the
situation, or how stressful it is, or how toxic it may be? It
they just, there's no amount of getting calm they can do to
offset the the lack of calmness, that the other person, then
yes, I would agree in that situation. That's
a good balanced view of that. I think that's said much better
than what I said. But remember, this sense of people don't leave
what they have, unless they believe what they get who is better.
Sometimes you'll run into a woman whom maybe he's 30 years old,
or husband's been gone for years, he's been living with this
other woman, and he didn't marry her. But he's been living with
this other woman for four years, or three and a half years or
something. In here, this woman is thinking, I'm gonna stay here
just like I am until he finally comes back. And she wants to
have children, but her clock is ticking. She wants to have
emotional fulfillment in sexual fulfillment. How long does a
person wait without, without causing themselves to really be
resentful of everything that they lost? And so again, I'm very
anti divorce, I'm fear pro marriage. But if your spouse had been
gone for years, and won't pay any attention to you whatsoever,
and and you find yourself being tempted to go beyond your belief
and value system to totally out your own sexual drive, for
example, then then, well, I'm a Christian. So I'll just quote a
verse here. There's a passage in First Corinthians chapter
seven, that basically says that it's better to get married, then
than to, like lust control your life. And so sometimes I would
think, okay, that's, that's enough reason here, you're gonna
wind up doing things where you're going to dislike yourself,
you're gonna wind up doing things such in contradiction to your
bikes and values, you're gonna become a different person, a
person that you don't like. And so therefore, it may be time
now, to give up waiting on the other person. Now, people who
know our story know that I divorced her mother, I was gone for
three years. And when I came well, except a solid, the children
every other weekend, but you know, I'm saying she finally moved
on with her life. Whenever we were divorced, or divorce her, she
finally decided she signed the papers, and all that kind of
stuff. And she started dating and that kind of thing. But by the
grace of God, when finally, I came to my senses, she took me
back. And so the fact of divorcing does not necessarily mean
that the curtain is closed forever. Can you move on with your
life? And still, if your spouse comes to his or her senses and
comes back? Can you still at that point, put it back together?
We've helped people do it numerous times. Right, right.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, there was a previous client we've had
who it's a similar situation, except he's, he's the man. And his
wife just continued to follow a beliefs and value system that
was so different from who she used to be. And it wasn't just
that, but mentally, she began to kind of decline to where she
became more involved with drugs more involved with different
things, couldn't even take care of the kids anymore. He ended up
getting full custody. And so with two years of that decline, and
he did, and so the other part I would ask here for people ask
themselves is to ask Have I done everything that I can do to try
and save it? And this guy absolutely did. I mean, he absolutely
did do everything that he could and she continued to make her
choices and to decline. And so ultimately for him again, like
mid 30s, maybe wants to have more kids, but there has a lot of
life in front of him. How long is he going to sit around and
wait for her to come back when there is no evidence for two
years of her making any turn any positive turn back in the right
direction. And so again, that's the hard decision he decided to
make, I will, I'm going to move forward with the divorce. And
I'm gonna move for and then even after the divorce, he waited
for about a year. And then ultimately said, I'm ready to start
dating again. But it was it was never reactive. It was always
thoughtfully prayerfully considered of what what do I have peace
with ultimate peace with for me and for my kids. And that's
where he is now. And I believe his next marriage is going to be
great. Because of how thoughtful and intentional he was in that
one.
You want to be able to sleep at night with it with innocence. So
years ago, I worked with a couple and with each visit, their
animosity increased, and their anger and hatred toward each
other increased until finally one day they just looked at me.
And both were just pull a betrayal at the time. And he I think
it was he they asked the question, what do you think's going to
happen next? And I said, I think that one of you is going to
die. Based on what I've seen this escalating, and I'm not gone,
I cannot predict the future. But based on escalation I've seen
and how it can just get worse, I think one of you is going to
definitely hurt the other probably to the point of death. And
they said what you recommend? Well, it's your choice. But I
don't think that you're called to die. That that safety, safety,
physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually is a big,
big deal. And so I guess our point here is this. It's a hard
decision.
It is a hard decision. Yes. So the point is, it's a hard
decision to make. And so in making the decision, you should do a
lot of thinking seek wise counsel, not just people who are going
to side with you, but professional counsel, maybe have a coach
work with you through it, ask yourself, have I done all of the
things that I can do? Have I used every tool at my disposal to
try and turn this marriage around. But that's the key. It
shouldn't be a reactive decision of when to give up. It should
be a well intentionally thought through decision.
Excellent. So we wish you well and we wish you wisdom. If you're
a praying person, pray for wisdom. It's not an easy decision to
make, but unfortunately, sometimes unnecessary decision. We
appreciate you being part of relationship radio. We have many
more episodes to come. Come back and join us again.