Let's start with some breaking news.
Apparently, widespread lying and deceit
may have some consequences.
And we are back with our breaking news coverage.
Just as opening statements were set to begin in what was going
to be a historic trial, Dominion Voting Systems suing
Fox for defamation, lawyers on both sides
reached a settlement, an absolutely
enormous settlement.
A lawyer for Dominion announced that Fox would be
paying Dominion $787,500,000.
Wow.
Wow, $787 million.
That is a ton of money.
And Fox was already strapped for cash.
Tucker Carlson could only afford one facial expression.
[laughter]
Look, I'm glad there's some accountability here.
But still, I'm pretty disappointed we're
not going to get a trial.
Because all the Fox anchors would
have been forced to testify.
It would have been like the Seinfeld finale.
But instead of soup Nazis, it's just--
[laughter]
It's Nazis.
Since Fox is going to have to pay nearly a billion dollars,
they'll need to implement cost-cutting measures.
Sadly, they have to fire Brian Kilmeade's reading tutor.
Jeanine Pirro has to switch to the cheap box of wine.
Development on a third Doocy has been halted.
They're going to have to switch from Jesse Watters
to tap waters.
And, of course, they're going to have
to put down Sean Hannity.
[laughter]
Let's move on.
[cheering]
You guys smell that?
You smell what I'm smelling?
That combination of gym sweat and Old Spice
and unearned confidence.
Feels like there's a lot of alpha male energy
going on politics right now.
Everywhere you look in the news, there's an alpha male
whipping his pecker out, marking his territory,
punching walls instead of crying.
Real tough guys, guys like Ron "These Boots Are Made
for Walking" DeSantis, who's--
[laughter]
--who's down in Florida, waging war on a cartoon mouse.
REPORTER: This morning, the ongoing feud
between Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and Disney
is intensifying.
DeSantis now floating the idea of the state developing
land next to Disney World.
Come to think of it, now people are like,
well, there's--
what should we do with this land?
Maybe try to do more amusement parks.
Someone even said, like, maybe you need another state prison.
Who knows?
I mean, I just think that the possibilities are-- are--
are endless.
OK.
[laughter]
A state prison next to Disney World.
You imagine what poor Walt Disney
would say if he saw this?
I mean, first, he'd have a lot to say about all the Jews
and Black people allowed in the park.
[laughter]
But after he sorted all that out, he'd be very upset.
This may sound like a petty move by a wannabe dictator.
But is a prison next to Disney World an inherently bad idea?
I say no.
As long as they lock up strictly those Disney adults,
we're going to be totally fine.
[laughter]
You know, I know you're trying to make
adulthood feel like childhood, but guess what.
There's nothing for you past 30.
But it wasn't the only alpha male
on the alphapalooza main stage yesterday.
It was also Jim Jordan.
Now, last month-- a lot of Jordan fans here.
Last month, Jim Jordan's bro Donald Trump
was indicted by Manhattan District
Attorney Alvin Bragg for no reason
besides committing crimes.
But Jim Jordan wasn't going to let that stand.
That's why yesterday he went after Alvin
Bragg in Bragg's own back yard, right here in Manhattan.
The House Judiciary Committee held a rare field hearing
in New York billed as an examination of crime
in Manhattan.
REPORTER: Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan
rallied against Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg.
The policies being implemented
by this district attorney are going to ruin this great city.
You know, I'm surprised, one, that he admits
New York is a great city.
Never thought I'd hear that.
And, two, that he actually held a hearing on crime.
I was pretty sure ignoring crimes
was Jim Jordan's whole thing.
And considering the murder rate--
[applause]
Clap for ignoring sexual abuse allegations.
I appreciate it.
Considering the murder rate is much higher in Columbus, Ohio,
which is in Jim Jordan's neck of the woods,
maybe he should have been holding crime hearings there.
But even people from Ohio don't want to spend time in Ohio.
And I can say that because I'm from Michigan,
and Ohio is our New Jersey.
[laughter]
But there's still another guy out there who might
be the most alpha male ever.
He's summited Everest.
He's the real life inspiration for John Wick
and the current Featherweight Champion
of the World, George Santos.
[laughter]
Now, he just started his first term in Congress.
And absolutely no one wants him to run again.
His constituents are embarrassed by him.
Republicans want him to go away.
Even the Dalai Lama said he wouldn't suck his tongue
with a 10-foot pole, which means there's only one thing
a real alpha male would do.
Embattled Republican and New York Congressman George
Santos going back on his word that he
wouldn't run for re-election.
Instead, he launched his campaign for re-election
on his 100th day in office.
It's a beautiful day here in Washington, DC.
It's a great day to be an American.
It's a great day to be a Republican.
And it's a great day to announce reelection.
REPORTER: Santos is under local, state, federal and
international investigation.
Say what you want about Santos,
but it's uber alpha to run for re-election when
you're as unpopular as he is.
He's so unpopular-- his campaign had to refund more
donation than it's taken in.
True, which means he's technically
raised negative $3,000.
[laughter]
You got to give it to George Santos.
He's the only elected official who's effectively
taken money out of politics.
All right, so who is today's reigning alpha male?
To help me decide, please, welcome Desi Lydic.
[cheering]
Desi.
Desi, Desi, which of these men do you think is the top alpha?
Well, not to out-alpha you, Jordan, but none of them.
These are all a bunch of beta bitches.
Ron DeSantis-- he's losing a fight with the happiest place
on Earth.
I haven't seen Disney trample a leader like this since Mufasa.
And Jim Jordan flew all the way to New York
just to talk about how scared he is of New York.
Relax, Jim.
Go see that Michael Jackson Broadway show.
It also ignores abuse allegations.
You'd love it.
Hold on.
Desi, hold on.
There has to be an alpha.
Oh, I've got an alpha for you.
Today's top alpha male is my girl,
Senator Dianne Feinstein.
And I'll tell you why.
Roll it!
The California Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein
hasn't cast a vote since February
because she's still recovering from shingles.
Her absence is holding up President
Biden's judicial nominees.
Some Democrats called for her resignation.
REPORTER: She's 89 years old.
She's been away from Capitol Hill for seven weeks.
The senior Senator from California
issued this statement.
Quote, "I remain committed to the job
and will continue to work from home in San Francisco."
Yeah, check out the truck nuts on Di.
That right there is an alpha.
OK, I--
I don't get it.
Dianne Feinstein can't perform her duties
on the Judiciary Committee and is refusing to resign.
What-- what is alpha about that?
Well, thinking that no one else could do your job as good
as you, even though you're barely doing your job,
that is pure alpha male.
[laughter]
That's some Logan Roy shit.
No spoilers.
No-- no spoilers.
OK, all right, but I'm giving you one more day,
and then I spoil it.
OK, fine, fine.
Look, let's say this is a power move by Dianne Feinstein.
But there is more to being an alpha male
than just not giving up your job.
No, no, no, no.
Jordan, it's not a job.
It's a seat.
She's in California right now, holding
down a seat in Washington, DC.
This is the widest case of man spreading in human history.
OK, fair, fair.
But man spreading doesn't make her alpha.
It makes her a standard male.
Oh, well, she's not just man spreading her seat.
She's also stopping 12 federal judges
from taking their seats, judges that
could rule in favor for women's rights and preventing women--
(TOGETHER) From having rights is classic alpha male.
- Yes! - Right?
There it is. - Now I see it.
Now-- - You got it.
Yes, I'm seeing it. OK.
- You got it. - I see it.
Yeah.
[applause]
See, hot dog Dianne is ripping a page out of the old boy
playbook, grinding it up and snorting
it right off a hooker's ass.
I salute you, Dianne.
We salute you, alpha Dianne.
Desi Lydic, everyone.