Hey, Drew, you in this hand?
-Yeah. -Yeah, hang on.
Geez! Your toilet smells like a time machine!
-Such a good book. -That is ripe!
Okay. Seven card Chicago, tens are wild, follow the twos.
-Yeah, I am in! All right! -I'm feeling good.
Uh, here's a question.
Did anybody make a New Year's resolution this year?
-Oh, come on, man! -Maybe.
Follow up question... uh, has anybody kept them?
I actually put my house on the market.
-What? -Oh, you're doing it?
Yeah, I'm quitting my job at the warehouse,
I took Brian out of school,
I got plane tickets to Hollywood and I'm gonna do it. Finally.
I'm gonna direct big budget, crowd-pleasing,
award-winning films.
-That's so nice. -Well, that's awesome!
-Good for you, man. -Thanks, buddy. I'm excited.
-Wait, I'm sorry. -So, Kyle...
you're just gonna become a major Hollywood director?
Yeah, Mike, keep up.
Yeah, uh, me? I'm doing it too, man, for real.
Tanya's letting me take over the basement,
sold the truck, got a pallet of bromine...
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna start my own cell phone company!
-Awesome! That's awesome. -That's great!
You know, simple, just...
you know, design a phone, build a phone, sort out the...
-you know, cellular signal thing. -The bar thing.
Whatever that's called, yeah.
And then, boom!
Tough titties, Samsung! There's a new kid on the block.
-All right! -Good for you, pal!
You know that Samsung is, like, a huge company, right?
Yeah, I know that.
Well, how are you gonna outsell them?
'Cause it's gonna be a better product, asshole!
You know, it's gonna have a camera with a zoom lens.
It's gonna take apps and-- Just a better--
Mike, use your ears to listen.
Speaking of which...
-have you made a resolution? -Yeah.
Yeah, as a matter of fact I have.
You know, I just, um... just saw my doctor...
and she says my cholesterol is a little high.
-Listen to her. -Yeah, you have to.
Yeah, so...
You know, after my brother's heart attack last year,
that was a real wake up call, and, um--
So I realize I gotta do it. No more red meat.
Not eating red meat anymore.
You love meat though.
Yeah, I know, but... if I keep eating it, I'll die, so...
from now on it's just chicken, fish and tofu.
No more red meat for me. End of story.
Hey, what are we playing, again? Is it Chicago time?
-Over and under. -Over and under.
It's over and under. Over and under and sevens.
-Last game, it was five and ten. -Yeah.
So, you know, I hope when we order pizza, um...
maybe we get, like, half veggie or at least just plain cheese,
because, um... not eatin' red meat anymore.
You know, I could go for pizza. I think that's...
I'm way ahead of you, man.
I'm gonna dial one up on the app thing.
You know what? Pepperoni and ham, please.
Okay.
-And prosciutto as well, also! -Italian for "ham".
Can I get half sausage and on the other half double sausage?
Oh, there he is!
So your basic Meat Lover's Special there.
Yeah, right.
Can we get, like, a small, with, uh...with no meat on it?
Oh, you don't think I can do this?
Come on, man. These are real resolutions.
Mine is, too! It's for my health.
Mike, look, I get your sarcasm, okay?
You don't think I can be a major film director,
so you pitch this no-meat, over-the-top bullshit!
I think you're being a shitty friend right now, okay?
I wasn't being sarcastic, I was just--
Oh, come on!
Mike was being shitty. Let's end it there.
Yeah.
Okay. Uh, in other news, I made a resolution, too.
I'm running for office.
-Awesome! -That's wonderful!
Excuse me, what office?
Pope.
No kidding?
Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.
-Oh, buddy! -The big kahuna.
-No better man for it. -You can do it.
You're Jewish.
Yeah. And I got three responses to that one.
One, so was Jesus. Two, who cares?
Three, ride this!
There it is!
-That's our pope. -That's gonna get 'em.
You know what? Since we're all being honest here...
Well, some of us.
Um, I just wanted to tell you guys that I've been studying up,
reading a lot and I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna be a judge.
-Oh, that's great! -Start at the circuit court level.
Nice and low, you know, and work my way up and retire
and then I'm gonna be
a famous no-nonsense TV judge. Whoo!
That's great, George. Good for you, buddy.
-Thanks. -Hey, George,
how're you gonna be a judge when you're still on parole?
Mike, you're not being very supportive, okay?
What? When I said my no-meat thing,
you guys gave me nothing.
That's because it's insane!
You can learn how to be a judge.
You can't learn how to not like something.
I'll die if I don't do it! I have no choice!
Oh, my God!
Mike, we didn't support your no-meat thing
'cause it's bullshit and we know you're only gonna
last for two seconds
'cause you love pepperoni!
So just ease up, learn how to be a good friend,
and cut the bullshit!
Yeah.
There it is!
It's open!
Mama Margharetti's two minute pizza.
Get your pizza in two minutes or half of it is free.
Here, this is fake. You can keep all of it.
-All right. -All right.
-Oh! -All right, douchebags.
-Whoo! -Oh, yeah!
Drew Zimble's Zimble Phone
took over the market in less than a year.
You're probably watching this on one of his devices now.
George Jackson was appointed Federal Judge
of the Ninth Circuit.
Mike Langorghetti lasted 1.3 seconds until he ate meat.
Jonah Abramowitz became the first elected freelance pope,
and was beloved for doing most of his poping from home.