Hello, hello, hello.
My name is Brian G. Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator, and certified relationship coach,
and I help guys like myself build and sustain relationships
that are fun and fulfilling.
Today, I am doing something I've never done before,
my first ever Q and A video.
Super excited to get to that.
If you have a question that
you would like answered in a future video,
head on over to briangerald.com/hello to ask it.
So, without further ado,
(drums fingers)
here is the question.
This guy that I am dating and I are in an open relationship,
and I'm struggling with the anxiety of it.
He is extremely honest and very reassuring,
that all of his encounters are just sex.
However, I can't help but feel anxious.
I have a constant fear that someone will be better looking,
funnier, more appealing, et cetera,
and that he'll be more into someone.
Maybe it's jealousy?
I'm not sure, as I've never been
in an open relationship before, but he has,
and he's been extremely understanding and patient
with my anxiety, but I don't want
to always be anxious about it.
Do you have any tips on how to overcome
jealousy slash anxiety when in an open relationship?
Oh my God. (laughs)
Yes, I do.
This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart.
I come to it, one, from personal experience,
and also from working with friends and clients
who have been in similar situations.
Both of my boyfriends and I have sort of been
in open relationships for the first time with each other.
With my most recent boyfriend, Matt,
this is also his first time being in an open relationship,
whereas, I've been in one for a number of years before that,
and so, we're sort of charting the same territory together
that this person asking the question is.
So, I totally get it.
So, I have a few tips that will help you
navigate this question.
The first is to check out this book.
It's called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment
and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love,"
and the reason that I recommend this book is that
you talked about being anxious in your relationship,
and this book is all about attachment styles
and how those inform our adult relationships,
our romantic relationships.
Anxious attachment, secure attachment, avoidant attachment.
Things like that.
It explains what those is, where it comes from,
and how those impact our relationships,
and so if you know that you are anxious
in your relationships, this is going to be
a really super helpful first step in figuring,
identifying that, identifying some unhelpful patterns
that come along with your anxiety in your relationships,
and ways, figuring out ways in which your partners,
especially if they're secure in their relationships,
can help you feel more secure and less anxious.
This is gonna be super helpful for you
no matter what relationship you're in, who you're in,
whether it's an open relationship
or a monogamous relationship in the future.
This is book is, like, written like
many relationship books are, with sort of like,
with monogamy in mind.
They don't talk about or address open relationships
or polyamory or other forms of nonmonogamy,
but I still think it will be helpful.
It's been super helpful.
I read it a few years ago.
I actually just finished re-reading it, like, two weeks ago.
Highly, highly recommend for folks
that are anxious in their relationships.
My next tip is another book.
Just in case you couldn't tell, I'm big into books,
and that is "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life"
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, who is a PhD.
I will put a link to this book and Attached
in the description down below.
The particular part about, so this is about how to, like,
have healthy solutions-focused,
non-judgemental communication, and what I think
will be particularly helpful for you
in the nonviolent communication framework
is figuring out what your needs are.
That's sort of like step three
in nonviolent communication framework,
but I think that will be helpful for you,
and then if you can figure out what those needs are,
then you can ask your partner or other folks in your life
to help you get those needs met,
and specifically around this sort of anxiety
that you're feeling in this relationship.
I've made some videos about nonviolent communication.
I will put a link to a playlist
of all of those videos down below.
There's four parts to them.
You can dive into them and explore them.
Video number three on identifying your needs
is going to be crucial.
If you want to go even deeper, as you can see,
there's a whole book about it.
I think that will be very helpful for you,
because like anxiety and jealousy or insecurity
in a relationship, usually is a result
of some sort of need that's not being met.
A need for stability, safety, comfort, belonging, security,
stability, any number of things,
and so I made a video a few years ago
about how jealousy can actually be a helpful feeling.
I will put a link to that down below also.
That sort of like, when you're feeling
these uncomfortable feelings, they can clue you
into some needs of yours that aren't being met,
and so then if you can, like, dive beneath that
and figure out, like, what is informing that anxiety,
or that insecurity, or that jealousy,
that will help you, sort of,
bolster and support your relationship,
so it's ultimately even stronger and more fulfilling,
and so your jealousy, your anxiety, your insecurity
can actually be a sort of a gift to your relationship
and help you take it to an even stronger, more secure place,
so don't feel bad about how you're feeling.
Lots of folks feel anxious and insecure in relationships,
myself most definitely included.
And then my third tip for you, if you're feeling anxious
and insecure in a relationship, or maybe jealous,
is to figure out if an open relationship
is right for you in the end.
Now just because you feel anxious or insecure or jealous
in an open relationship, I don't think
that necessarily means that it's not right for you.
Those are feelings that come up
in all sorts of relationships.
I know lots of my friends are in monogamous relationships,
and they still feel insecure sometimes,
or anxious or jealous, and of course people who are
in monogamous relationships get left
for someone all the time, you know?
You were worried that someone better looking,
funnier, more appealing, et cetera
will come along, and that can be the case
even in a monogamous relationship, so I think for me,
remembering that, sort of, monogamy offers this idea
of security and stability, but it doesn't always actually
deliver on that promise is helpful,
and so an open relationship might seems scarier
or like there's more opportunities
for your partner to leave you,
but for me, it's been actually, sometimes helped me feel
more secure because I don't have to worry, like,
is my partner, like, secretly in love with a co-worker?
Is he conducting a secret affair?
Is he harboring feelings for someone else?
Like, what's going on?
Is he, like, just at the breaking point
and sort of getting ready to leave me?
Because I know exactly like (laughs)
what he's up to.
That he's going on dates, who he's seeing.
Often times I, like, meet the folks
that both of my boyfriends have dated
or have been in relationships with,
and so knowing that other people are out there,
and, like, knowing exactly what is going on has helped me
feel more secure rather than more insecure.
So, just because you're feeling these feelings
doesn't necessarily mean an open relationship
is not right for you,
but just because everyone feels these ways doesn't mean
an open relationship is right for you.
There might be other reasons why
an open relationship isn't right for you.
So, I would spend some time thinking it through,
that is it something that I want and feels good for me?
Watch that video.
You can also check out "The Ethical Slut."
That'll help you think through that as well.
I think that open relationships
can be really helpful for folks,
and they seem scary because they're taboo.
We don't talk about them and we have all these,
sort of, like, myths about marriage and monogamy,
that sort of are wrapped up in it
that get in the way of people even considering
an open relationship for themselves,
so definitely don't run away from the idea
of an open relationship just because
you're feeling uncomfortable,
but also at the end of the day,
it might be that either an open relationship
isn't right for you or the type of open relationship
that you're boyfriend wants isn't sort of compatible
with the type of open relationship
or polyamorous relationship that would be right for you.
And that's okay.
Sometimes, they just, you know,
relationships don't line up, but I think that
between working through some of your anxiousness
around your relationship, figuring out what your needs are,
and then just having honest communications
with your boyfriend about, sort of, how you can feel secure,
how you can get your needs met, and how you can,
sort of, do life together in a way that feels good for you,
will hopefully take you one step further
in the right direction.
So, that is all for today.
If you would like more resources
about how to have a fun, filling, sexy,
exciting relationship, subscribe.
Hit the subscribe button down below for new videos
every Wednesday afternoon, and I will see you then.
Bye for now.