Gamers are like velociraptors.
They remember.
That’s why companies can release games like DuckTales Remastered, decades after DuckTales
went off the air.
It’s why they can take things into their own hands, and just make a Goonies II on their
own.
And it’s why Rockstar Games could release a game in 2005 based on a B-movie from 1979.
It’s The Warriors, for the PlayStation 2.
Gamers can also open locked doors.
So I’ll be honest and tell you…I’ve never seen the movie.
I’ll bet most people have never seen this movie.
If it’s a movie from 1979 and it’s not Alien or Monty Python’s Life of Brian, I
probably haven’t seen it.
Oh, and I’ve seen Rocky II.
And Meatballs, obviously.
Meatballs goes without saying.
Actually, there were a lot of great movies in 1979.
Which illustrates my point.
The Warriors wasn’t very high on my list.
I wasn’t even alive yet.
Nonetheless, it seems like The Outsiders with more camp.
You play as a gang of street thugs known as The Warriors.
And they have rival gangs, like The Destroyers.
I can’t tell if these are street gangs or the number one contenders for the tag team
championship.
Apparently, they wish they were, though.
‘Cause the whole damn game is just beating people up.
Cops, thugs, women.
And you don’t even need to make the tag.
So the game actually serves as a kind of prequel to the movie.
The majority of the game takes place before the events of the film, and then in the later
levels, you get to play through the major moments of the movie.
And by “play,” I mean you mash buttons and run around this dark, drab city…beating
up women and listening to people swear.
This game is, like…a little kid who’s parents are at work, so he plays gangster
rap and tells people to f*ck off on Twitter.
It’s so excited by its own vulgarity, it might even text some bitches.
The whole thing’s quite linear.
You move from one objective to another, with optional bonus objectives in between.
The objectives are usually beat some people up, vandalize some public property…you know,
good wholesome fun.
Oh, and if you take damage, just sniff some drugs.
You’ll be back to stealing car stereos in no time.
Run around, press square for light attacks, triangle to mug people…go to the next checkpoint
to do it somewhere else.
So it’s basically all the violence and pre-teen awfulness that Rockstar’s games always have
without any of the depth and meaning they always pretend
to have.
So the gameplay never really goes anywhere.
It’s just a repetitive beat ‘em up for the entire thing.
But I think what makes it the most tedious…are the environments.
I mean, this is just a dark, muddy-looking game.
I understand it’s trying to go for that whole 1970s and 80s urban decay thing.
You know, back when cities were scary.
But I mean, you can create that style without making an ugly game, right?
This is just an ugly game.
And those blurry visuals, combined with the dull gameplay, that really highlights the
repetition.
It’s a chore to play this game for any extended period of time without getting a boredom headache.
Bitch.
And it’s not like it plays very well, either.
You move way too fast—you’re either creeping or running full steam.
Which makes combat and basic platforming a lot harder than it should be.
It’s a very slide-y game, if that makes sense.
And the combat system’s pretty clunky, too.
It’s just…it’s not a very good game, Pony Boy.
To me, this is, like…Rockstar in a nutshell.
I’m sure someone will project some kind of deep meaning onto this.
Thing is, there’s nothing deep about it.
The Warriors has less subtlety than it does variety, and it doesn’t have much
of that, either.
So after mugging a few dozen of the same people and painting a few dozen tags with the same
motions…you’ll be over The Warriors.
And you’ll have no interest in seeing the movie, which is a shame.
A good movie game should make me want to see the movie.
Now, I just…want to watch Meatballs.
And I want to thank Thor from Birmingham, in the UK, for sending us The Warriors for
the PlayStation 2.
Thor…with a name like that, you could start your own street gang!