-Welcome to the show. -Thank you so much.
And thank you for sharing such an amazing story in this book.
All You Can Ever Know
encapsulates what your life was.
-You grew up as a child who was adopted. -Mm-hmm.
You were raised by white parents
who loved you to the ends of the Earth.
But in this book, you talk about something
that many people struggle with every day,
and that is the relationship of being a child who is adopted,
who is living in a transracial household.
Why is that so difficult?
I think, um, it's just difficult, I think,
given that a lot of the--
First of all, a lot of people go into adoption
not necessarily fully prepared, uh, to talk about race,
uh, which is, of course, crucial in a transracial adoption.
-Right. -You know, like, my parents, for example,
went in, and they asked a lot of questions
of a lot of different experts-- social workers
and judges and adoption attorneys--
and they were basically told, "Don't worry about it.
"You know, it's going to be okay no matter what.
"Um, you don't really have to talk about this.
It's not going to be relevant."
And, of course, it very much was.
Right, 'cause you-you read in the book
and you write about how you had this experience
where your-your parents didn't talk to you about race at all.
It was just ignored completely. It's never mentioned.
And many people would agree with that. They would say,
"But, yes, why-why should your parents talk to you
"about race, Nicole? Because they don't see you as a color.
They-They're seeing you as Nicole, their daughter."
So why-why do you think it would have been necessary
or should be necessary for people to speak to their kids
about race if they've adopted them?
It's completely natural, in a way.
For parents, of course, it doesn't affect, like,
their love for their child. I wasn't--
Like, my parents didn't think of me
as their Korean child or their adopted child.
I was just their child.
Um, I think what none of us really knew how to talk about
so much-- especially when I was young-- was the fact that,
of course, even if it didn't matter to them,
it was going to matter a great deal to me in my life.
-Right. -It was going to matter. Other people would notice.
They would comment. Um, and I think, also,
none of us were really prepared for all the questions
that we got, you know, moving about in the world,
-because we kind of stood out in my hometown. -Right.
Right. So, often, when I got those questions,
I wasn't really sure, like, what to say,
because, in my life at home,
it wasn't really acknowledged or spoken about.
Your book takes us through such a painful, exciting,
loving, wonderful journey
where you begin to explore who you are
and you have that yearning to find out
the rest of your story.
And-and that, in and of itself--
I mean, you-you describe it in such detail--
is-is scary but, at the same time, really exciting.
Wh-Why do you think it was so important for you
to want to find who your biological parents were,
when you had these parents who loved you so much?
I had thought about it for many years.
And, really, for me, what was the final push was
when I became pregnant with my first child.
Um, up until that point,
I-I thought, of course, about what it would feel like
to have a child and to share my life
and my history with them,
um, but I hadn't really thought about how being adopted
would affect them, like, what questions they might have.
And I remember so vividly sitting, like,
at my first prenatal appointment,
getting all these questions about my medical history
and, like, what my birth mother's pregnancy
and her births were like, and I had no answers.
-Right. -And I suddenly just felt, like,
this deep sense of, um, fear and inadequacy,
that this was information I needed to have,
that my children might need to have.
So that was really the final push.
You went out, you searched,
and you found your answers.
Um, I don't want to give away a lot of the book,
but-but there is a beautiful connection that you made
with a sibling who you discovered,
uh, your-your sister.
I believe you have two, right?
And a half-sister and a full sister,
as you call them in the book. But-but you are very close
to-to your sister. That is--
that is a really interesting relationship to have,
somebody who has been a stranger your whole life
and that you-you feel like you've known them forever.
Yes, she's an amazing person.
And a lot of this book really--
It's her story as well as mine.
Um, you kind of get both stories on a parallel-parallel tracks,
and then they intersect when we finally meet
and find out about each other.
Um, and she's just an amazing person.
I feel so lucky to have her in my life.
Um, my kids have always just known her, because--
Like, we connected the same month that I gave birth.
Um, but it's been interesting to talk with them about it,
just in terms of-- like, they kind of take it for granted
that, like, she's there, that we're together,
that we have this family
and these relationships we've recovered.
Um, but, really, we had to do a lot of work,
and, um, it took a lot of effort and a lot of heartache
to put our family back together in this way.
So it's not something I'll ever take for granted.
It's beautiful. It's a page-turner.
-Thank you so much for being on the show. -Thank you so much
-for having me. -I appreciate you.
All You Can Ever Know is available now.
A beautiful story. Nicole Chung, everybody.