So I'm walking like irritated.
You know why?
Because everything so damn heavy, all this shit.
Ain't no light shit in here?
The fuck is this?
My new gym's so damn heavy, the door to get in that shit heavy.
I'll be like, God damn, how the fuck are
you get in this God damn-- ah.
What kind of door is this?
God damn.
Fa!
What kind of God damn door is this?
Fuck.
Woo.
How the fuck you get in this God damn gym?
Hey, man, people outside can't get in.
What kind of goddamn door is this?
I got to wait outside for somebody
to leave to get in the goddamn gym.
I got to get in shape, not this shape.
This is not a good shape.
Something-- I got to get really--
I thought I was like, oh, I'm doing an hour special.
That will motivate me.
And here we are.
I tell people, I got to get back in shape.
I've never been in shape, you know?
Like, most people are like, if I can get back to my 20s.
I would have to go back to seven.
If I could get back to when I was seven,
I was just killing it.
I don't know how to work out.
For me, a good workout would be walking to McDonald's
would be a great start.
Maybe stand up and eat it, see if that does something.
I ordered the P90X videos.
I thought I could do that.
Never worked out a day in my life,
so let's do what the Navy SEALs do.
You know why I ordered it?
Because of the commercial.
You know they have like a before body and after body and--
I was blown away by the before body.
I thought that's what you get to look like.
I was like, that guy looks great.
You know?
I would love to look like him.
Then I saw the after body.
I was, does the before guy body have a DVD?
Because that guy seems more my speed, you know?
What did he do to get to that?
And I'll just do that.
Someone gave me an Under Armor shirt to wear.
Have you ever wore one of those?
It's like skin tight.
It just shows the worst parts of your body.
I look better without a shirt on than with that shirt on.
You know in plastic surgery, how they draw markers on you?
They should just put you in that shirt and be like, obviously,
you can see we're going to go after.
I'm lazy.
I can tell, like watching sports,
I was watching a football game.
And I'm sitting on my couch.
And I was going to get something to drink out the refrigerator.
Right when I get up, one guy--
one team kicked off to the other team.
And before I could get back, the guy
ran a 100-yard kickoff return, and I missed it.
The guy ran 100 yards before I could get 3 to maybe 4 yards.
That guy also had 11 people really trying
not to let him run 100 yards.
I didn't even have an Ottoman in my way.
It was wide open.
I just don't like to exercise.
I can't focus on it.
So my buddy recently was like, hey, you should do what I do.
Take Adderall, and then go to the gym.
I was like, what the hell is this?
You know it's a thing?
I looked it up.
It's all over Reddit.
So I did it.
I popped an Adderall.
I went to the gym, and I just cleaned equipment
for 90 minutes.
I alphabetized the energy bars.
I fixed an elliptical cycle.
I lost 5 pounds, and I work at Curves now.
I needed to eat healthy.
It's so expensive to eat healthy.
I've been in the gym.
You know, I got to lose a little weight, been in the gym,
eating healthy.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's been-- working out, four months.
I joined the gym four months ago.
I swear to God, I stepped on the scale yesterday,
and in four months, I have lost 45.
Yes.
Hello.
Yes.
Now, four months, I have lost $45, OK?
That's what the [bleep], OK?
I have not lost a pound.
Do you hear me?
But the money falling off my ass.
Yes, I'm losing 15 a month quick, quick, quick.
You know they take that [bleep] out your bank account, right?
Don't do that LA Fitness, OK?
You don't know if it's in there, OK?
Like, you-- don't do that.
Like, y'all not going to take attendance first?
I'm not here.
Damn, I've been absent.
All right?
I've been absent.
Stop charging me.
OK?
Yeah.
I'm not using this [bleep].
Run the tapes.
You ain't seen me since December, OK?
Like that.
Put that [bleep] back in my account.
Then you go, and there's all these in-shape people.
They need to separate they [bleep]..
Separate us.
Don't just have me working out next
to this Billy Blanks bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
Like-- the ho got her panties on, ass out,
running full speed, OK?
Full speed.
Excuse me, ma'am.
You want to slow this [bleep] down?
It's a [bleep] Tuesday, all right?
Jesus.
And [bleep] doing all that fast running.
I'm just trying to concentrate on keeping my jogging
pants out my ass, you know?
Like, that's what I got going on the treadmill.
Trying to be cute, with my little cute pants,
my little Vicky secret, little P-I-N-K on the butt, you know,
trying to kill these holes real good.
You know?
But by the time-- by the time I get off, that [bleep] like P-K.
I'm like, God damn.
My ass is eating these plants alive.
Jesus.
I've been trying to work out so I can have a man's body.
I am a extra medium.
I have always wanted to be big, and it did not work out for me.
I just want to have those broad shoulders.
You know what I mean?
Like that, er-- Like, you know?
So I've been working out, but joining a gym is too easy,
you know?
I just gave them money, and they let me start working out.
But I don't know what I'm doing.
And so now I don't know what I'm doing next to heavy stuff.
Nothing changes.
I gave you $25.
You know?
Like I was trying to do some deadlifts,
just pick it up, put it back down,
because build up the legs because you
don't want to have ripped upper body and tiny legs.
And my legs-- if I were wearing shorts,
you would be distracted, OK?
You'd be like, oh, he might be funny,
but I can't hear him past the sound of his knee shaking.
So I was trying to do some deadlifts,
just pick it up, put it back down, you know?
And so I'm standing in front of the bar,
but no one even told me that the weight
had to be even on each side.
Like, I don't--
I don't know what I'm doing.
But I'm bent in, got the legs open, and over the--
trying to put my back curled, or whatever you're supposed to do.
And I'm gripping the weight.
I'm trying to psych myself up like I can really
lift this weight.
And right then, the most beautiful woman
walked up next to me.
I'm like, now I got to pick it up.
I can't just be like, mm, that's not mine, and then walk away.
Like, I got--
I got to at least try to pick it up.
So I'm going to try to pick it up.
So like, "Eye of the Tiger" is playing in my head.
And, like, Rocky's behind me with the stroke face.
Like, you can do it.
Like, I feel like--
I feel like I might really be able to pick this up.
And so I go to lift it up, and the most unrecognizable sound
leaves my body because I go to pick it up,
and immediately, I'm like-- ah!
I've never.
I've never in my life made that sound before.
But I go to pick it up, and I'm like-- ah!
That's not mine.
And I did it anyway.
I just walked away.
So-- And then I tried to redeem myself later
by working out next to her, like I make that sound all the time.
I was just doing curls next to her later, like, ah!
Ah!
Didn't work.
She just left.
I was trying to do diet and exercise.
Have you guys tried that?
It's terrible.
It's so terrible.
It goes against every evolutionary progress
we've made, which is to eat and sit still.
It's so terrible.
I hate diet and exercise.
I hate-- if you go to a gym, has anyone been to those?
It's so terrible.
There's all these things where you don't know where
to put your hands or feet.
There's so many rules, and no one explains it to you.
They just give you more towels.
It's so terrible.
I tried-- I tried exercise.
I didn't realize that you needed to wear a sports bra,
and I almost ripped my tits off.
So-- heard that tearing.
I was like, I got to sit down.
It was so bad.
I'm obviously in very crummy shape, and--
laugh it up.
This has been going on for a while.
When I was in college, I took a 6 AM health and wellness class
because that's when I could fit it in my schedule.
Now, when you take the 6 AM health and wellness class,
you're in there with a health and wellness majors.
Like, these are people who want to be
healthy and well for a living.
And my thing was, I'll just stay up all night and go.
So it shows where I was health-wise.
So one day, we were in there, and they ask us--
they say to me-- and this very fit, very beautiful girl is
sitting beside me.
They go, tell us one bad health habit you have
and one good health habit you have.
So the girl beside me, she goes, bad health habit,
I eat between meals.
And I was like, is that something?
Is that a thing?
Is that something?
Because I don't know about you, but for me,
the day is just one meal.
It's just meal, sleep, meal.
Like, right now, this is--
I'm having-- this is a meal.
I'm having a meal.
I have cheese in my pockets.
So then she goes-- so then she goes,
good health habit, I jog 5 miles every day.
And I was like, well, pin a rose on your nose,
you insufferable bitch.
And then it was my turn.
And I said, bad health habit, I smoke.
And when I said that, everyone in the class
acted like I was picking my scabs and eating them.
You guys don't smoke?
Ah.
Mm.
I enjoy smoking.
Ah.
Then I had to do good health habit.
But I couldn't think of one.
So I said, good health habit, I take a shower every day.
Everyone got fat during the pandemic.
I'm happy about it.
I'm a fat person.
When are the fat people at?
Cool.
All right, I have eyes.
Some of you should be clapping.
I don't know what--
just embrace it, OK?
It's true.
I'm happy because during the pandemic,
all I got were weird weight loss emails that were just like,
how many push-ups can you do during quarantine, all right?
Don't get fat.
Your dad's dead.
Whoops.
Like, that was every email.
But it's just like, I don't care.
You think I care what's going to happen when the world's over?
You think I give a shit with my butt
looks like when I'm wiping it with leaves?
I don't care.
Do you think they did that during the plague,
where they were just like, oh, no,
Joffrey lost his entire family, but did you
see how many Burpees he can do?
Oh.
He has a six pack, one for every family member he's lost.
So I'm trying to work out.
I don't know what to do.
I want to do something easy.
There's no such thing, you know?
I thought yoga was easy.
I went out, and I bought a yoga video tape.
I bought the beginner's yoga tape.
I couldn't do anything on a whole hour,
nothing, just fast forwarding.
Oh, can't do that, can't do that, can't do that.
I know I can't do that.
This woman, like in a soothing voice,
simply take the bottom of your right foot
and place it on the small of your back.
Now, take your left leg, throw it
over the back of your neck like a scarf, and breathe.
I can't breathe.
They had a thing called the relaxation
pose, which I couldn't even do.
What kind of shape am I in?
I can't relax.
I couldn't do it.
It's time for the relaxation pose.
Kneel down on the floor with your toes
pointed back behind you.
Sit down on your heels, and relax.
I can hear my feet bones cracking.
Relax.
If she wanted me to relax, she should say,
go get your favorite pillow.
Curl up on the couch.
Throw this tape away.
Relax.
I actually recently joined a support group
for people who peaked in high school.
Thank you.
It's called CrossFit.
I started doing-- oh, you've heard of it?
Thank you very much.
That's not a joke either.
I actually do it.
It's not.
Here's the thing that's lame.
It's like, I'm 28 years old.
At this point in my life, when I go to the gym,
it's just a workout.
It's just to stay in shape.
People who do CrossFit consider it a sport.
Like, when I joined the gym, the first thing they asked was,
so what are your goals as an athlete?
It's like, low cholesterol and sex with the lights on.
Like, why are you here?
And I don't think the workouts are good for you.
Like, they sound like they were written
by an undercover chiropractor trying to drum up business.
It's like, all right, here's twice your body weight.
You're going to pick it up, set it down, then
scream like a wounded Spartan.
OK, what about form?
No time for form.
Just try to lift with your back.
OK, that sounds like it's going to hurt and not in a good way.
Don't be a pussy.
Pain is just cartilage leaving your kneecaps.
You got this.
I'm a pretty fit athlete because when--
you know me, I try to stay fit.
You know, I play in the over-40 basketball league, you know?
I was MVP two years in a row.
Yeah, 41 and 42.
I got cocky.
I took my MVP game down to the gym, the real gym,
where young boys--
young boys play.
Because when you're in the over 40 league, it's easy.
It's easy.
You quick.
You out there doing your thing.
And people over 40 got respect.
When somebody hit a shot on you, they just run down the court,
and they look at you.
That's it, boy.
Got you.
That's it.
Young boys.
Are disrespectful they disrespectful at that gym.
So I'm down.
I'm at the gym.
And I got my situation down.
You know what I'm saying?
My defense is tight on this little young boy.
I'm right here with him.
Man, this little young boy crossed me over
so fast that I--
Let me tell you something.
I know y'all know what a crossover is.
I know you know what a crossover is, when somebody go this way
and then cut back this way real fast with the ball.
The man crossed me over so fast that I just
went to the water fountain.
I had to ask other people.
I said, did you-- did you see him?
Did you see him?
The dude say, man, you just got AIed.
I said, AIed?
What the hell is AIed?
This dude said, hey, man, remember when Allen Iverson
crossed over Jordan?
I said, yeah.
He said, yeah, that's AIed.
I said, I'd be damned if you going to cross me over and give
me a nickname out here.
I'd be god damned.
And see, the young boy disrespectful, man.
He disrespectful.
I'm running down the court.
He next to me.
Yeah, boy.
Yeah, you just got AIed, boy.
So people don't remember, the very next play, very next play,
Jordan came downhill, a long-range jumper
in Allen Iverson's face, very next play.
I said, yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
That's what I'm going to do, ball up, ball up, ball up, ball
up.
Ran up on the young boy, uh, a long-range jumper.
Shot the ball.
Hit the jumper.
Back went out.
Man, I'm going out the damn gym in a stretcher.
Wait.
When they about to reel me, I say,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, my son's in the daycare.
My son's in the daycare.
So they had to go in the daycare and find my son.
And my son, I can't help him because I'm on the stretcher
already.
So the paramedics just picking up random Black kids,
showing them to me.
This your baby, right here?
This your-- what about this?
And what about this one?
This yours?
This yours, right here?
And I know it took 20 minutes because my son ain't going
to let nobody just grab him.
This motherfucker running inside and fighting 'em.
So they finally get my son, finally get my son,
put my son on my chest.
Now, I'm getting rolled out of the gym like a goddamn NFL
player.
And you know when you go out a gym on a stretcher,
you can never go back to the gym again.
Did you know that?
Six months later, man, I walked in that gym.
This dude is like, ooh, there goes stretcher man.
I said, [inaudible] no goddamn stretcher man.
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