(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- Yeah! Alright!
Welcome to weekend number two!
Alright.
Hey, I wanted to do a big shout-out
to our incredible new sponsor,
Spurge Energy Drink.
- [Announcer] Crack a can of Spurge Dude.
It's packed with so much zinc,
it'll make your balls explode.
- [Sexy Lady] Ah! Spurge!
- [Announcer] Spurge.
- Awesome. Great ad.
Let's bring out our first big act of the second weekend.
Fresh off of dabbling in replacing their brains
with lizard brains,
he Dabble Dudes.
- Alright, here we go, dabble this way,
dabble this way for me, great.
Hey, everybody.
This is Chase, this is Chaseie.
Say "Hello" guys.
Say "Hello". Say "Hello".
They said, "Have a great Tween Fest."
Isn't that nice?
Hey, guys, what's that?
Are you hungry?
Sounds like you're hungry.
Here, you know how it works,
do a trick and then you get some food.
How 'bout some lunch?
Oo, very good.
Up, up, up!
- [Audience] Aw.
- Great, great, hold it, hold it.
(audience cheers)
- One more second-- Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
stop that. Stop. No, bad. Here, get d-- okay.
That's not a trick. No. Bad.
That's what happens to bad dabble dudes.
Get Chase, get Chase, get Chase.
Woah. Oh no!
I lost him! I lost him!
- [Audience] Aw! Boo!
- Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.
He's got the prod.
Ah, ah, ah!
- Alright, let's hear it for The Dabble Dudes!
(electronic music)
- Maddisyn, hey, it's your father, again, Todd Crawford.
You're missing a lot.
The Dabble Dudes have turned into lizards
and they're mating with everything.
Oh, Sophia's here.
I have to talk to you later.
Buh bye.
Hey. - Hi.
- How are you? Have a seat.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- First of all, I want to just thank you so much
for everything that you and Spurge are doing for us,
and I love all the swag.
I'm all Spurged up here.
- Yes, you are. You look good in Spurge.
- That's great.
- I've gotta tell you, Todd,
I am just bursting with ideas for Tween Fest.
The first of which,
is a hashtag.
SpurgeExplosion.
Now, you're familiar with our slogan, aren't you?
"Spurge Contains so much zinc
"it'll make your balls explode"?
- Yes, you played it very loud in my ear.
- Well, it resonates very strongly
with males 11 to 14.
They're insecure about their balls not having dropped.
Here, let me show you a diagram
of an 11 year old's scrotal sack.
As you'll see--
- Oh, I'm good with that.
I was 11 at one point.
So I guess what you're asking,
is could we start using hashtag SpurgeExplosion?
- Well, actually,
our contract stipulates
that you must get hashtag SpurgeExplosion
trending across all social media platforms,
worldwide,
by the end of Tween Fest.
- Wait a minute.
- You know, I gotta be honest with you.
I also counted on the fact
that you wouldn't read that contract,
because now I get to threaten you.
If you do fail,
- You sue me.
- Yeah, you're ruined.
Yeah.
- Okay, well,
I think I have my marching orders.
- You sure do, don't you?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- SpurgeExplosion.
Oh my god, you guys.
I came up with the most incredible idea.
What if we all got on social media
and totally
hashtag out SpurgeExplosion?
Ha ha, isn't that cool?
(laughing)
Just start writing SpurgeExplosion.
You can put emoji or something in there.
Buzz, buzz.
It should go viral.
Hashtag, hashtag,
SpurgeExplosion.
- Hey, what's up you guys?
I wanna talk today about something
that's very personal to me.
I'm very excited to accept myself
for who I really am.
I'm, I'm, (laughs nervously)
I'm g--
- Shane, sorry to interrupt your live coming-out video.
- Dude, what the hell?
You just ruined my huge moment.
- Oh my god, I did?
Hey, everyone,
just pretend you don't know that Shane's gay.
Alright, now for a much more important announcement.
(sirens)
Everybody, take out your phones,
and use the hashtag, SpurgeExplosion.
- [Announcer] Do you have the balls for a Spurge?
- [Sexy Lady] Ah! Deeper, Spurge!
- [Announcer] Spurge.
- I'm getting tired of that Spurge ad.
- [Announcer] Spurge!
(electronic music)
(bubbling)
(laughing)
- Fuckin' jerk.
- Hey, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Are you new around here?
- Yeah, is it obvious?
- I'm sure you'll do great.
Let me give you the rundown of who to keep an eye on.
That's Shia LePuff.
He vapes jellyfish so realistic,
they've been classified an actual species.
E-Cigmund Freud.
He's an Olympic swimmer,
and the sousaphone player
for the London Philharmonic.
Bruce and Jesús Juice.
The Juice twins.
Rumor has it,
they can communicate telepathically
through their lungs.
- Thanks for the info.
I'm Dusty.
- Juicestine..
(beeping)
- Ethan.
Got a new job for ya.
Listen, I need you to create
like a thousand fake profiles,
and then just start hashtagging SpurgeExplosion
nonstop, day and night.
I know it's a big job,
so I got you this nice toilet bucket.
- Ew.
Not now, Todd.
I'm trying to figure out
how to set up this Tupac hologram.
- Oh, yeah.
This is gonna be awesome.
We got that big duet between Tupac hologram
right on stage
with a 10 year old rapper.
- Yeah, PeteyBeatz.
- PeteyBeatz.
He's like Tupac's spiritual heir.
- There he is.
- That's Tupac?
- Good evening ladies and gentleman.
I'm Miles Davis.
- They must have shipped us the wrong hologram.
- Ethan, I told you,
we should not have used that Korean hologram company.
- They had free shipping.
(jazz music)
- What the frizz?
- I am so sorry, PeteyBeatz.
- Where's Tupac?
- You know, right now hologram Tupac
is probably scaring the daylights
out of some gray hairs at the Jazz Appreciation Society.
- I hate you, you stupid hologram.
- Thank you very much, C-C-C-Carnegie Hall.
It's been a h-h-h-honor to play for you.
- I got a bunch of kids here
who don't know or care who Miles Davis is.
(person on phone mutters)
No, sending me a hologram of Jelly Roll Mortin
is not gonna solve my problem or yours.
You gotta send--
(person on phone mutters)
Look, find me a hip hop artist,
and call me back when you--
Ah!
Jesus Christ.
Have you been sitting there the whole time?
- Listen, Todd.
We're not getting much traction
on the SpurgeExplosion hashtag.
- You mean the herculean task
that you gave me two hours ago?
- I'm wondering if maybe you could
ask one of your influencers around here to use it.
I'm thinkin' PeteyBeatz.
- Uh, PeteyBeatz not a good idea.
He's very temperamental.
He's really pissed off right now
at hologram Miles Davis.
- Well, why don't you have PeteyBeatz
and hologram Miles Davis patch things up
over a can of Spurge
on stage? Huh?
- Okay, great idea, but, - Thank you.
- I don't think that a hologram
can drink Spurge or anything else,
because they're really just made out of
nothing. They're made, there's no there there.
- Well, just make it happen.
Have a blast.
I mean this isn't rocket science we're talking about here.
And we're gonna have fun, right?
If we're not having fun,
then what's the point? - Then why are we doing it?
- Why are we doing it, right?
- Well said, well said. - Yeah. Okay.
Make it happen, pal.
- What up, what up, what up?
Y'all ready for the vape battle of the century?
(audience cheers)
Yeah! It's on!
Y'all know the rules.
No oxygen tanks,
no asthma inhalers,
and definitely no iron lungs.
You feel me?
Let's get it started.
(airhorn)
(hip hop music)
Vapinators ready, let's vape.
Oh!
- [Crowd] Oh!
(crunch)
- Oh!
That shark just made a meal out of that jelly bitch.
Come on, man, come on, man.
- [Crowd] Oh!
- Oh!
Intelligence is something that should be shamed.
- A woman that looks just like me?
Oh, mama.
- Ooh, the Juice Brothers just did incest,
which, of course, in a vape battle
is an automatic disqualification.
Yeah.
(electronic music)
- PeteyBeatz,
listen, I don't mean to bug you
when you're up in your space,
but if you could just do me a little favor,
and go out and share a Spurge with hologram Miles Davis.
Just crack it open,
sip it and say,
"Miles Davis,
"let's hashtag SpurgeExplosion."
Something like that.
- Do I look like some corporate sellout to you?
You're just lucky I want my balls to drop real bad.
- Right. Ow.
What is it with these children?
Where do they get all this confidence?
♫ All my babysitters
♫ Wanna spank my little bottom
♫ Hey don't look at me
♫ I ain't gonna stop 'em
(audience cheering)
- Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.
I'm about to pop out this piece,
but first,
I've gotta welcome my special guest,
(sighs) hologram Miles Davis.
- Charles Mingus, he didn't talk too much.
He let his bass do the talking for him.
- Hey, hologram Miles Davis,
want a Spurge?
- Well, for me, life is all about music and style.
- This is a bad collab.
(can opening)
- [Audience] Oh!
- Ah, it feels like my skin is on fire!
(screaming in an upwards scale)
(electronic music)
- Damn, this ain't bad.
♫ I like the patooties
♫ Of the middle school cuties
♫ I get to first base
♫ When I take 'em to the movies
- Woah, Spurge Made Miles Davis better.
(audience cheering)
(electronic music)
- Dunno how much more vape my lungs can take.
- Relax, you just have one more person to out-vape.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up
for
The Vape Machine.
(ominous piano music)
(whistling)
- Wait, the Vape Machine is an actual vape machine?
(dramatic music)
(crowd cheers)
- Remember, Dusty,
machines are technically perfect,
but only humans
can vape from the soul.
Ask yourself
what is it
that only your soul can vape?
- I don't think he said any of that.
And he definitely didn't have glasses.
But that's good advice.
What's something that only my soul can vape?
I got it.
(dramatic music)
(inhales)
(exhales)
Giggity giggity goo.
(crowd cheering)
- We have a new vape champion!
Dusty DelGrosso!
- You did it, Dusty!
I didn't know you do Family Guy voices, too.
- Yeah.
I have two talents.
(crowd cheering)
- Well done, Dusty.
True love has won.
- Fuck you.
- [Vape Machine] Ah!
(electronic music)