The United Kingdom,
America's estranged dad.
Today, the U.K. began giving its people the vaccine.
Yeah. Officially.
Starting with a 90-year-old woman.
Which is great for her.
Although, on the other hand,
she's the only person in the whole country
who's now safe to go out.
So she's just gonna be out hitting the club, like,
(English accent): "Whoo! Where are all my party girls at?
Seriously, where is everybody?"
Meanwhile, in the United States,
it might take a little longer for everyone to get vaccinated,
because somebody--
and I'm not saying which president--
well, he done (bleep)ed up.
NEWSMAN: With cases of COVID surging across the country,
we're learning millions of Americans may now have to wait
months longer to receive a vaccine
because the U.S. opted to get fewer doses from Pfizer
than it could have.
The U.S. bought enough to vaccinate 50 million Americans.
By contrast, the European Union bought enough
for 100 million people, with an option to buy more.
Now ABC News confirms a New York Times report
that, over the summer, Pfizer offered to sell
the U.S. government additional doses
but the Trump administration turned them down.
Now Pfizer says it might not be able to get the U.S. more doses
until June of 2021.
Whew!
That's the art of the deal right there, baby.
Pfizer thought that they could pull a fast one on Trump
by offering to sell him lifesaving vaccines,
but my man Trump was like, "No deal."
So now Europe is stuck with all those vaccines,
and that means more corona
for everyone here in America, baby. Wait.
Seriously though, this may seem
like it was a dumb decision by Trump,
but if you take a moment to think about it,
you'll realize that it was a really (bleep)ing dumb decision
by Trump.
And let's be very clear about something.
Even with a vaccine, social distancing
and wearing masks is still extremely important.
And that's why people need to keep following
public health guidelines. And I know,
I know a lot of Americans are like,
"All these rules are government oppression.
"They're taking away our freedom.
"It is my right to go to Walmart without a mask
"and to legally marry my gun.
"My gun's name is Mark. That's right. My gun and I are gay.
Did I challenge your stereotypes?"
But I got to tell you this.
If Americans think
that the rules in this country are too strict,
Americans need to see how social distancing is being enforced
in some other countries around the globe.
For example, if you're upset because, oh,
people give you dirty looks when you go outside without a mask,
imagine if, instead of that,
the police pulled up in their cars
and then roasted you over the P.A. system.
Because that's what's going on in South Africa,
where videos like this one are going viral.
(reverb)
Yeah. That's right. In South Africa,
the police and the military
are being tasked with enforcing the lockdown,
which is basically a recipe for disaster.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes,
the South African version of Law & Order
is a very different show.
"In the criminal justice system,
"the people are represented by two separate
"yet equally important groups,
"the police who roast your ass hard
"and the district attorneys who stand behind them, going,
"'Damn, son, he got you good.'
-These are their stories." -(Law & Order clang)
Here's an interesting fact.
That cop is also South Africa's top hostage negotiator.
-(walkie hisses, squeaks) -(with accent): Hey!
Hey, why you kidnapping that guy?
Let him go! What would your mother say about you, huh?
Look at you with that funny haircut.
Look like you (bleep) a lawnmower, yeah?
Then you lost. Huh? Just go home.
But as harsh as South Africa's mask justice might seem,
what they do in Rwanda can be even worse.
Man, that is intense.
Rwandans are being forced to attend night school
if they broke some COVID rules.
Imagine that. If you don't like watching Dr. Fauci come on TV
and ask you to wear a mask for 30 seconds,
if you lived in Rwanda, you'd be forced
to listen to Dr. Fauci all night
in a cold stadium!
The only way that could be more boring is
if there was also a baseball game going on at the same time.
Although, one benefit of teaching about COVID rules
in a sports stadium is that you can use the kiss cam
to test how much everyone has learned.
Joseph, you and Keza are on the kiss cam.
Why don't you kiss?
No, you shouldn't have kissed. It was a trap.
You must come back tomorrow night, huh?
By the way, I love how that guy pulled down his mask
to show how he broke the rules by pulling down his mask.
It's a good thing he wasn't arrested for public indecency.
I was arrested for exposing myself like this,
and everyone was so upset, just like everyone is right now.
And finally, to any American who's upset
because they can't go to the gym to work out during COVID,
imagine if, instead of that,
you were forced to work out in front of all your neighbors.
NEWSMAN: Like many countries
battling the coronavirus pandemic,
India is in lockdown.
The police here have resorted to physical punishments
for those who breach it.
At one point, police are seen ordering locals to do squats.
Some were made to do press-ups at the side of the street.
(shouting in native language)
Goddamn, guys.
That is humiliating and unnecessary.
I mean, what happened
to just shouting at people to wear a mask?
Forced exercise is so extreme.
And let me tell you something now.
I would rather staple a mask onto my face
than have to exercise in public.
That's like all your grade-school nightmares
coming back to life.
You couldn't be bothered to wear a mask,
and now all your friends know you can't do five push-ups?
On the other hand, it's a good alternative
for people who can't afford a gym membership.
Just pull down your mask,
and the next thing you know, you got a personal trainer.
In fact, if they keep this up, people from all over the world
are gonna be flying to India
just to take advantage of this policy.
Oh, my God, Deborah, you look amazing.
What are you doing?
Let's just say I ignored a few rules in India.
What? What does... what does that even mean?