(upbeat music)
- He's got a chin that'd make Jay Leno weep with jealously.
He is positively horny for all powerful Mancala beads,
and he has a bunch of super murderous children.
No, I'm not talking about Bruce Campbell.
I don't know anything about his life,
and that might technically be slander.
It's not.
He doesn't.
I think.
I'm talking about Thanos,
the biggest bad in all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
And Marvel's purple-skinned, groovy-chinned
mad titan is gonna give the Avengers
a run for their considerable money,
in 2018's Avengers: Infinity War.
But he won't be doing it alone,
because as we learned at D23 Expo,
he's bringing The Children of Thanos along with him.
And I'm not talking about Gamora and Nebula.
So who are these new kids on the block?
Well buckle up true believers,
because on today's episode of The Dan Cave,
I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know
about The Children of Thanos.
Why is Thanos such a daddy?
By which I mean, are all of these people really his kids?
Well no, not really.
Their called The Children of Thanos,
but they're more like Thanos' disciples
rather than his blood relatives.
Kind of like Magneto's Acolytes.
When they were first introduced in the comics,
they were known as The Black Order.
They've also been called The Cull Obsidian,
or now The Children of Thanos.
They didn't break onto the scene until
2013's New Avengers number eight,
as part of the Infinity storyline.
Created by Jonathan Hickman, Jerome Opeña, and Jim Cheung,
the Black Order was basically Thanos' lieutenants,
a collection of brutal aliens that loved doing two things:
helping Thanos systematically
enslave the galaxy and chewing bubble gum.
And you better believe they ran out of gum,
well before they made it even halfway to Earth.
The Black Order originally consisted
of six members including Thanos.
Corvus Glaive, Proxima Midnight,
Ebony Maw, Supergiant, and Black Dwarf.
But those are just names.
Who are they?
Let's meet them!
Corvus Glaive, the brother of Black Dwarf
and husband of Proxima Midnight.
Corvus Glaive is basically Thanos' right hand man.
A master strategist with superhuman strength and speed.
Corvus is the one that lead Thanos'
considerable armies into battle.
So long as the blade of the glaive he's
named for and wields is intact, he's immortal.
So, nice.
In addition to that, he had the not so nice job
of shaking down the planets that
Thanos and The Black Order conquered,
and forced them to pay tribute.
Or else they would just kill them to death.
Proxima Midnight.
A masterful warrior who wields
a spear forged from a sun distorted by space time,
that contains the power of a new star and a supernova.
Proxima Midnight is among the most elite
of Thanos' warriors.
When she throws her spear,
it turns into multiple arcs of light
that never miss their target.
Which is honestly, kind of broken.
Soldier 76 is ult.
And did I mention that it's also covered in a lethal toxin?
Because never missing wasn't enough.
And one time it owned Hulk so hard,
that it turned him back into Bruce Banner.
So basically don't (beep) with her.
Ebony Maw.
No, this isn't just a weird nickname
for someone that ate a bunch of Oreos at lunch.
Ebony Maw is an evil super genius
with a passion for manipulating others
into doing his own dirty work.
Case in point, he made Doctor Strange summon
a Lovecraftian nightmare beast,
Shuma-Gorath in New York City
during Thanos' invasion of Manhattan.
And that is a scene that I desperately hope
we get to see in the movie.
And not just because the MCU needs more Hentai,
I mean Lovecraft.
Black Dwarf.
While this name definitely refers to a type of star,
I think the execs at Marvel worried
someone might think it was their triple X search history.
So this guy has officially been
renamed Cull Obsidian in the MCU.
Which is confusing because the group
was also called the Cull Obsidian,
but now it's just this guy.
So, Children of Thanos.
Black Dwarf is no more.
He's Cull Obsidian now.
Anyway,
this beefy behemoth has unbreakable skin
and an ax larger than Kyle Hill's pug collection,
which is enormous.
Now to be honest, this guy kind of sucked in the comics.
So, hopefully they make him better in the movie.
But even if the don't,
I am genuinely stoked to see the entire
Nation of Wakanda kick his ass five ways from Sunday.
Supergiant.
Honestly, you probably don't need to know
much about Supergiant since she's not gonna
be in the MCU it seems .
But for the sake of completeness,
she was a mental parasite who took control
of other people's consciousnesses
and systematically devoured them.
You know, kinda like Jessica Chobot
if you mess up her Starbucks order.
And fun fact, she was eventually defeated by Lockjaw,
the adorable giant teleporting dog from the Inhumans,
who transported her and a bomb to a faraway planet
where she died.
Kind of like Poochie did on The Simpsons.
(high whistle)
- Okay, so now you have met The Black Order,
but why did Thanos assemble them?
Well their purpose was simple,
while The Avengers were out of town,
they split up heading to New York, Wakanda, and Atlantis,
to try and find the remaining Infinity Stones.
And they were also there to find Thanos' secret son Thane,
who was living amongst the Inhumans.
So that Thanos could murder him.
You know, that old chestnut.
That old, this is the worst take you son to work day
of all time chestnut.
As you can imagine, after wreaking some initial havoc,
The Black Order was well and truly dunked on
by various members of The Avengers and the Inhumans.
And to make matters worse,
Ebony Maw then betrayed Thanos by freeing Thane,
who proceeded to trap his dad, Proxima Midnight,
and Corvus in amber.
Like some sort of evil fossils.
Of course, most of them would later be resurrected,
because comics.
And they made an alliance with Hela,
the Asgardian goddess of death
to steal Thor's hammer Mjölnir from another dimension
and reunite Thanos with his one true love, death itself.
But that my friends,
is a story for another episode of The Dan Cave.
As for what you can expect from the MCU,
I would look to the events of Infinity
as a good guide for some pivotal moments.
I mean, Wakanda, maybe Atlantis.
Probably not though, Universal owns those rights.
After all, while Thanos is gonna
be a tough cookie to defeat,
every good story and every good villain
needs some mini bosses to take down along the way
before you take out the head honcho.
And that's precisely what The Children of Thanos
are going to be,
mini bosses that The Avengers will destroy.
And that is everything you need
to know about The Children of Thanos,
before you see Avengers: Infinity War.
But who do you think should play The Children of Thanos?
Let me know in the comments below,
and give me a thumbs-up-sidian while you're there.
Now be sure to like and subscribe,
or else you might miss next week's episode
about the story of a book store owner
that starts an anonymous online romance
with a hated rival, that turns out to be
Rob Schneider as an aquarium cleaner,
slash male escort in You've Got Male Gigolo.
Until next time, keep on diggin'.
Let's open the old mailbag, shall we?
@lostthenumbers asked,
"What game should Nintendo include for
their unannounced N64 Classic?"
Well that is a great question.
I mean, it's probably gonna happen eventually.
And you can't do an N64 Classic without
Starfox, Super Mario 64, GoldenEye,
Super Smash Brothers, Harvest Moon,
Snowboard Kids, not 1080,
and of course Mischief Makers. But tell me,
what games would you like to see Nintendo
include in an eventual N64 Classic?
Let me know in the comments below,
and I'll see you guys next time.