Wow.
It feels amazing to see you guys.
I don't know if you learned anything about yourself
during the pandemic, but I did.
Don't love what I learned. [laughs]
I learned that I'm a high-functioning
depressed person.
[laughter] Anyone else?
[cheers and applause] Yeah.
Hot and sad? Yeah, that's what we are.
I was living in filth the whole pandemic.
So I was on the phone with a friend,
and she was like, "Why don't you just get
a cleaning person?"
And I was like, "Yeah,
why won't I get a cleaning person?"
I started thinking about what kind of cleaning person
I want to come in my home.
I was like, do I want them short?
Do I want them tall?
Do I want them to have long hair?
Do they need all their teeth? Like, you know.
I definitely wanted a ethnic person
to come into my house.
I feel like it's a little problematic.
I definitely just don't want a white person coming.
[laughter] Right?
They don't know how to clean.
That's why they never have
white people cleaning they homes.
[laughter and applause]
Listen, if you think white people can clean,
there was a thread on Twitter that asked them,
"Do you wash your legs?" and 90% of them said nah.
Yeah.
I'm not trusting you with my kitchen.
I just can't.
You don't wash your legs.
Like, "Oh, we just let the water drip down our leg."
No. [laughter]
I'm not trusting you
with the corners of my bathtub, bitch.
Like, let's go.
So I got on this app, and this one guy, Manuel,
had a 4.9 rating.
And I was like, "Oh, he must be a murderer.
Let's go." [laughter]
So I don't see a picture of Manuel, but I was like,
he's gotta be, like, 5'5".
He probably has a family.
He's probably, like, 65 years old.
He's gonna come in, look at my house, judge me,
but not say a thing, and that's what I want.
So when Manuel comes to my door,
can you believe he's 25 years old,
6'3"... [laughter and cheering]
Abs on his [bleep] forehead.
Just too-- [cheers and applause]
Too hot.
I was like, I don't know
if he's coming to clean the house.
I feel like he is about to drop some dick off, right?
[laughter]
I just cannot stop looking at him.
Now, I'm gay, but I'm not blind,
so the whole time I'm like, "Okay.
"You know, yeah, you-- it's hot in here.
You might as well take your shirt off."
[laughter]
He comes in, but he tells me that his name is Manny,
and I was like, you should've put Manny on the app
because Manny sounds young.
I want an older man.
So I just didn't trust that he knew what to do.
I started explaining everything.
I was like, "Now, this is the bathroom.
"This is the kitchen.
"This is my corner where I masturbate.
"Don't look.
"Don't look. It's a lot of Taco Bell.
"Lot of Taco Bell and vibrators that are almost on E.
"Don't--actually, don't touch nothing in that corner.
That's church." [laughter]
So then he starts in the kitchen,
and do you know, he lifts up my refrigerator
to clean underneath the refrigerator?
I said, "Am I wet?"
Like, I got so moist. [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Oh, y'all--y'all don't know what an orgasm is
until you see just--
[mimicking a jack] Lifting a whole--
I was like, is Superman in this bitch?
What is going on? [cheers and applause]
So he cleaned underneath the refrigerator,
and then he got on the top of the refrigerator.
So Manny is my man now. He's my man.
[cheers and applause] Uh, yeah.
I'm actually his foster mother now.
We did not have sex. [chuckles]
'Cause I'm a good Christian gay.
Thanks so much. I'm Sydnee Washington.
[cheers and applause]