Hey, what's up you guys it's Travis and this morning I wasn't really planning on filming
a video, but I woke up and I saw on Twitter that today was Suicide
Prevention Awareness Day.
and if you guys follow me on Twitter you'd see that right away
I just started rattling off tweets about the subject because obviously for me a very
personal issue.
Well, it's not very obvious because I haven't really talked about it
with you guys before, because that's not really what my channel is about, but the truth is this
actually is a very personal issue to me, because I have dealt with this on a very
personal level and so when I was sending these tweets this morning, you know, to
try and raise awareness, I just didn't feel like sending tweets was enough so
I wanted to, kind of, be honest you guys and tell you why this is such a personal
subject to me.
Maybe with my story someone out there can connect to what I
went through and maybe it can actually prevent someone from doing something that I
almost did a long time ago.
That's why I kind of want to share my suicide
survival story.
I haven't talked to you guys much about my childhood or where I'm from, but long story short I came
from a pretty unhappy, unstable childhood.
Drugs and alcohol kind of affected a lot
of my family's life and I felt really alone.
On top of dealing with my
sexuality, that I didn't know how to deal with at the time, I just felt like I was
dealing with all these problems by myself
and it was a really unhappy
environment to grow up in, because I didn't feel like I had anywhere I could turn to,
especially because living in that environment was all I'd ever known so I
didn't um...
I didn't know...I didn't think there was ever a potential for happiness, because
unhappiness was all I've ever known.
So, because of the living situation, I started losing hope by the time I was
around, you know, between 13 to 15 years old and in between those two years was
about the time when the first thoughts came to my mind that maybe I should
just end my life and, you know, that thought it seemed to come out of nowhere too.
I was used to feeling sad and scared and afraid and alone, but never until that point did I
feel like I wanted to end my own life, but once that though when inside my head
It stuck there and I couldn't get rid of it and it kept coming up over and
over and over, but I started feeling sad no matter what I was doing even when
things weren't as bad as they were.
so finally when I was 15 years old I was done and I decided I was going to try
and end my own life and...
I haven't really talked about this with many people since it happened
because I've kind of detached from it and I left it somewhere in the past
because, I don't know
I think it's better
I'd prefer to leave it back there, but
yeah I decided to try to and end my own life and I was really unhappy.
I got some liquor from
my dad's alcohol cabinet and I drank like a bottle
of whiskey or whatever it was. I drink a bottle of hard liquor basically and
I went to the kitchen after that and I took a butcher knife from the cabinet and I just started
cutting myself and I was still afraid no matter how drunk I was, I still felt.
I still felt.
and I didn't want to feel anymore and so I just kept cutting
but, I was so afraid that I couldn't cut deep enough
so
When I knew it wasn't going to work, I realized I wasn't
going to be able to do it that way, so
My mom, she had a thing for pain pills and she
had a whole bottle in the cabinet and so I decided that's how I would do it.
So I took the pill bottle and I
got some more liquor and I started taking a handful of pills and throwing
them back with the alcohol and before I knew it, I finished both of the entire bottles
and I was ready at that point
Cause I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore.
I didn't want to feel the sadness.
I just didn't want to feel sad anymore.
So when I finished doing all that, I went upstairs. My dad wasn't at home at the time
I think he was at work and my mom, she was in bed.
and as angry as I was at my mom, I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye I guess
and I knew I would miss her or I knew she would miss me and so before I went to my bedroom
which was to the left at the top of the stairs, I went to the right
and I went to go just kiss her goodnight.
She was already asleep and I
I walked into her bedroom. She was fast asleep of course and I went over to the bed
and I tried to give her a kiss
but then I collapsed.
and, obviously, the thud of me hitting the
ground woke her up and she saw me there and I don't remember anything at that point
but I guess she knew that something was wrong and so she took me to the bathroom and she
she gagged me and made me throw up. I mean obviously she saw my arms so that kinda
gave me away.
She stayed with me the rest of the night and she made sure that I woke up the next
morning and thank God I did.
Unfortunately, after that, you know, she saw the marks on my arms and she saw
what I tried to do and the thing was our family was so big on not sharing
your problems and not talking about what's going on with yourself and I
think that's a big reason why our family eventually fell apart, but
she just covered it up.
she covered it up and she brushed it under the table
because that's just not what you show to other people.
You don't show that weakness in yourself.
Although, she had her own weaknesses. My dad did and
obviously, I did.
but it was something taboo for us to talk about.
So you're just trained not talk about
what's going on with you.
and I think that can be really damaging.
So, at that point after that night when I tried to end my life,
I realized I had to change something, because I was very unhappy and so I did.
I left and I ran away from home and I never came back and it was tough for
sure, but it...
I really think it saved my life.
From that moment, you know, those feelings they went
away for a while, but they still come back every now and then.
Every time I get into that headspace sometimes it can be for some really big life event or sometimes it can
be for no reason at all, but I feel like someone that has ever had suicidal thoughts
is that more much likely to have them again.
and it's a struggle. I don't think you ever truly beat those feelings
I've learned that the best way to deal with it is to get out of your mind.
So much of your sadness and despair comes from being stuck inside your own head and not
being able to see the world outside of how you're looking at it and what you're
seeing it's not real. It's just the way you're perceiving things.
Things might be bad, but as long as you're alive you have the
capabilities to change that. You can make the change, because it's your life.
My advice to someone that's dealing with suicidal thoughts is to reach out to someone that cares about you.
Talk about your feelings and then really assess what you can do to change the situation.
I know how hard it can be to be in the headspace and I know how impossible it can seem to get out of it
but you can get out of it. It is possible and that's kinda what I
wanted to share with you guys today.
I wasn't anticipating it. I obviously, just literally
woke up, but I really wanna share this story with you guys, because I know that
a lot of my channel sells this idea that life is always good and life is always
happy, which it is great and I do like to focus on that and I like to focus on the
positive, because focusing on the negative just brings me down and brings me closer to
that headspace and I don't want to go back to that headspace
and so I try to stay
positive and I try to make people smile, because I know how it feels to not be
able to smile and that's a really crappy feeling
I guess what I want to say in this is if
you feel like you're dealing with suicidal thoughts just remember that you matter.
okay
Your life is not insignificant and you're here for a
really great things, but the only way you're gonna be able to do those is if you stick
around for them
Life is not guaranteed. We can go today. We can go in fifty years, but the thing is you
have so much potential inside you. You are such a beautiful miracle
and I hate the idea of someone giving up that miracle because they're feeling sad
because you never know what great things lie in your future and so
I really really hope that you can find it in yourself to love yourself and stick
around for those great things because life can be really hard and it can be lonely
but it can also be a really great and really beautiful and
I've seen that alot
Just through out my channel and through meeting a lot of you guys
and so
yeah that's kinda why I wanted to share my story
and it wasn't easy, but I feel like it was necessary
because I'm not always
happy and when I get sad I can get really sad and that's just a part of life.
Relying on people that care about you is one of those important things you can do
so don't go through this alone
okay
remember how much you guys matter
okay
because you do matter
I don't care what anybody else says; whether it's your family that doesn't approve of your lifestyle
or bullies that just wanna make your life hell
screw them.
This video isn't for them. This video is for you and know that you matter
you can get through this
keep going, keep moving forward, because there are brighter days ahead
ok
so that's it
and an airplane to send us off.
Thank you guys so much for watching this.
Thank you for letting me share my story
That was unexpected. I haven't even talked about that in a few years, but I feel like it's a good thing
and I feel like that kind of honesty is important so you know that you know
you're not alone
having gone through those feelings, but there are people that survived it and come out happy.
If you talked to my 15 yr old self and you told him I'd become the person I am today,
I definitely would have put that knife down, because there's so many great things
I would have missed out on had I ended my life that night
and that's just kind of the message I want to send to you guy that you don't have to give up.
Don't give up.
So that's it.
Thank you guys again for listening to
my story.
Thank you guys for all the love.
Know that I love you.
and I hope you just remember one thing from this video
I just want you to remember that you matter.