WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
OH, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK. IT FEELS GOOD TO BE WITH ALL OF
YOU AGAIN HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER BECAUSE
AFTER THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF THE STRIKE, EVIE REFUSED TO KEEP
CHANTING MY NAME. BUT NOW THE WRITERS' STRIKE IS
OVER WITH A NEW CONTRACT THAT INCLUDES PROTECTIONS AGAINST AI,
COST-OF-LIVING INCREASES, BETTER PAY...
BETTER PAY FOR STREAMING. PLUS, THANKS TO THE PICKET
LINES, MY WRITERS GOT FRESH AIR AND SUNSHINE AND THEY DO NOT
CARE FOR THAT. NOW THEY ARE BACK SAFELY IN
THEIR JOKE HOLES DOING WHAT THEY DO BEST, MAKING MY PROMPTER WORD
SCREEN FULL OF GOOD AND HA-HA. [LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
RIGHT THERE. GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE OUR LAST "LATE SHOW."
WE LOOKED AT THE CALENDAR TODAY AND, CHECK MY MATH ON THIS,
I BELIEVE WE HAVE BEEN OFF THE AIR FOR 154 INDICTMENTS.
IS THAT RIGHT? IS THAT RIGHT?
BALLPARK IT. BALLPARK IT.
IT WAS A CRAZY SUMMER TO BE OFF. IT WAS JUST PACKED WITH EVENTS.
OBVIOUSLY IT WOULD BE STUPID TO TRY TO RECAP EVERYTHING THAT
HAPPENED OVER THE LAST FIVE MONTHS.
SO HERE WE GO. STARTING...
STARTING WITH MAY. AT AGE 74, PRINCE CHARLES
FINALLY GOT HIS FIRST JOB AND THE DRESS CODE WAS INSANE
CASUAL. EVEN FOR BENNIGAN'S, THAT'S A
LOT OF FLAIR. ALSO IN MAY, A BUNCH OF OR CAUSE
ATTACKED YACHTS. MARTHA STEWART DID THE SWIMSUIT
ISSUE. AND RUSSIA BANNED AMERICA'S
LATE-NIGHT HOST, INCLUDING ME. BUT FOR SOME REASON THEY DID NOT
BAN MY FRIEND, JIMMY FALLON. I'M GUESSING BECAUSE OF JIMMY'S
POPULAR SEGMENT SLOW JAM THE BORSCHT.
IN JUNE, WILDFIRES IN CANADA SENT GIANT PLUMES OF SMOKE DOWN
THE EAST COAST TURNING NEW YORK'S AIR INTO SATAN'S
BUTTHOLE AS OPPOSED TO NEW YORK'S NORMAL AIR, ACTUAL
BUTTHOLE. JUNE 8, I REALLY, REALLY MISSED
HAVING A SHOW BECAUSE THAT WAS THE DAY DONALD TRUMP WAS HIT
WITH A 37 COUNT INDICTMENT FOR HOARDING NATIONAL SECRETS.
WE SAW SOME UNBELIEVABLE PHOTOS OF WHERE HE STORED THEM, NEXT TO
A MAR-A-LAGO GUEST TOILET. LOOK AT THAT.
HE LEFT THE LAUNCH CODES IN THE SPLASH ZONE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE USING THE BATHROOM?
"WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER! WAIT A SECOND.
NEVER MIND. I WILL JUST MAKE A TWO PLY OUT
OF SYRIAN TROOP MOVEMENTS." THANK YOU.
ON JUNE 23RD, THERE WAS AN ATTEMPTED COUP IN RUSSIA BY
WAGNER GROUP FOUNDER AND POPE FRANCIS' EVIL TWIN, YEVGENY
PRIGOZHIN. IT BRIEFLY LOOKED LIKE THE COUP
MIGHT SUCCEED BUT IN THE END, PUTIN AND PRIGOZHIN KISSED
TEMBLOR. TWO MONTHS LATER, HIS PLANE
EXPLODED IN MIDAIR. IMAGINE SITTING IN COACH.
I WOULD BE JAMMING ON THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT CALL.
EXCUSE ME, MISS. IS THE DIARRHEA PLANE STILL
AVAILABLE? WHAT MONTH WAS THAT?
WAS THAT RECENTLY, THE DIARRHEA PLANE?
IN JULY, THE EARTH KEPT BREAKING HEAT RECORDS, THE ACTORS WENT ON
STRIKE, MAKING THE PICKET LINES A LITTLE HOTTER.
THEY FOUND COCAINE AT THE WHITE HOUSE JUST IN TIME FOR A
MASSIVE BLOCKBUSTER WEEKEND FOR BARBIE AND OPPENHEIMER.
THE TWO MOVIES SEEM UNRELATED TO THE TERMS OUT -- TURNS OUT
OPPENHEIMER ALSO HAD NO GENI GENITALS.
IT'S A LONG WALK FROM THAT SET UP TO THE PAYOFF.
LOAN UP AT THE TRINITY SITE. NOW IT IS SAD?
THERE WAS SOME SMALLER NEWS. ALIENS ARE REAL.
A FORMER MILITARY INTELLIGENCE OFFICER TESTIFIED TO CONGRESS
THAT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT HAS SEEN UFOs THAT IS LIKELY BEEN
AWARE OF NONHUMAN ACTIVITY SINCE THE 1930s WHICH
EXPLAINS THE POPULAR VAUDEVILLE DUO, LAUREL AND ZOGON.
SPEAKING OF ALIENS, ELON MUSK. IN JULY.
IN JULY. IN JULY, HE REBRANDED TWITTER AS
X TO WHICH THE WORLD REPLIED "WHY?"
THEN ON AUGUST 1ST, SPECIAL COUNSEL JACK SMITH INDICTED THE
FORMER PRESIDENT YET AGAIN. [CHEERING]
IN A CASE ALLEGING JANUARY 6TH WAS FUELED BY LIES FROM TRUMP.
THAT'S RIGHT, JANUARY 6TH WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ITS TWO
SPONSORS, TRUMP'S LIES AND RECENT DIVORCE.
RECENT DIVORCE STORM THE CAPITAL.
THAT WILL SHOW BRENDA. THEN ELON MUSK AND
MARK ZUCKERBERG ARE MOST HAD AN MMA FIGHT, COVID MADE A
COMEBACK, AND WE GOT ANOTHER ROUND OF TRUMP INDICTMENTS, THIS
TIME IN GEORGIA FOR ELECTION INTERFERENCE.
ON AUGUST 24, TRUMP WAS ARRESTED AT THE FULTON COUNTY JAIL AND
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME WE GOT A MUG SHOT.
YES! THAT IS ONE ANGER-GLAZED HAM.
I TRIED TO MATCH THAT FACE. TRY TO MAKE MY FACE MATCH THAT
FACE FOR A JOKE BUT I COULD NEVER GET IT QUITE AS CLOSE AS
MY HEAD WRITER. SPOOKY.
BEAUTIFUL GIRL. TRUMP NEVER PASSES UP A CHANCE
TO GRAFT A BOOK. SELLING T-SHIRTS, POSTERS,
COFFEE MUGS. THE MUG SHOT AND THE SLOGAN
"NEVER SURRENDER." QUICK REMINDER: THAT MUG SHOT
WAS TAKEN THE DAY TRUMP SURRENDERED.
IT'S A BIT OF A MIXED MESSAGE, REMINDS ME OF THE TIME
NANCY REAGAN SOLD "JUST SAY NO T-SHIRTS WITH A PICTURE OF HER
DOING A LINE OF COKE OFF GORBACHEV'S FOREHEAD.
DID THAT HAPPEN? QUESTION LIKE
THAT HAPPEN, RIGHT? THIS CASE IS ONE WHERE TRUMP AND
HIS COCONSPIRATORS WERE CHARGED WITH TRYING TO STEAL THE
ELECTION IN GEORGIA UNDER AN AREA OF LAW CALLED THE RACKETEER
INFLUENCED AND CORRUPT ORGANIZATIONS ACT, OR RICOH,
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW LEGAL SEGMENT...
>> RICOH. >> Stephen: AND THAT'S ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE FOR THAT SEGMENT. LET'S KEEP MOVING.
GOT TO KEEP GOING. GOT TO KEEP GOING.
THERE'S NOTHING IN THE RULEBOOK THAT SAYS A CONVICT CAN'T BE
PRESIDENT SO IF HE WINS HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO VETO BILLS FROM
CELLBLOCK A. I'M SURE YOU'RE ASKING, HOW
WOULD HE EVEN GET THE VETO PEN IN THERE.
LET'S JUST SAY ON VISITATION DAYS, ERIC WILL BE WALKING FUN
FUNNY. DAD!
[APPLAUSE] I SHOULD HAVE USED A BALLPOINT.
THEN... IN MID-SEPTEMBER, MEXICO'S
CONGRESS ALSO HAD A HEARING ON UFOs AND UNVEILED WHAT THEY
SAID WERE ALIEN BODIES. HERE THEY ARE.
THERE YOU GO. THAT IS SO SAD.
SOMEONE FORGOT TO WATER ET. I KNOW.
IT IS SAD. IT'S SAD.
THAT SAME DAY WE LEARNED LAUREN BOEBERT GOT KICKED OUT OF A
TOURING PRODUCTION OF BETELGEUSE AFTER OFFICIALS REPORTED SHE WAS
CAUSING A DISTURBANCE WHICH TURNS OUT WAS CODE FOR YANKING
HER DATE'S CRANK AT A FAMILY-FRIENDLY SHOW.
ACCORDING TO WITNESSES SHE WAS MERELY TRYING TO START HIM LIKE
A LAWN MOWER. [TRILLING]
THE CHOKE. THAT WAS THE CHOKE.
PULLING THE CHOKE OUT. YOU'VE GOT TO GET THE CHOKE OUT.
BEFORE YOU PUT 1 FOOT UP. GET A HANDFUL.
TELL THE CHOKE -- LET THE CHOKE OUT AND THAT THE
CHOKE BACK IN. OR YOU'LL FLOOD HIM.
[LAUGHTER] SPEAKING OF GETTING CAUGHT WITH
YOUR HAND AND, LET'S SAY, THE COOKIE JAR,
NEW JERSEY 7 BUSINESS BASKETBALL BOB MENENDEZ RECENTLY
SENATOR MENENDEZ AND HIS WIFE WN FEDERAL CORRUPTION CHARGES FOR
LITERALLY TAKING BRIBES IN EXCHANGE FOR ASSISTING THE
GOVERNMENT OF EGYPT. PROSECUTORS ARE DESCRIBING THE
EGYPTIAN BRIBES AS "A PYRAMID SCHEME."
WE'RE BACK, BABY! WE'RE BACK!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [AUDIENCE CHANTING]
>> STEPHEN! STEPHEN!
STEPHEN! STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: PLEASE. WHEN THE FBI RAIDED HIS HOUSE
THEY FOUND MORE THAN $500,000 IN CASH STUFFED INTO ENVELOPES AND
HIDDEN IN CLOSETS. A SAFE, AND EVEN STUFFED IN THE
POCKET OF THE JACKET THEY FOUND IN HIS HOME.
THAT'S ALMOST A NICE FEELING WHEN YOU SLIP YOUR HAND IN THE
POCKET OF A COAT THAT YOU HAVEN'T WORN IN A WHILE AND YOU
FIND HALF A MILLION DOLLARS IN BRIBES.
OOH, AND A JOLLY RANCHER. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON IS HERE.
WE WILL HAVE A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY OUR OWN
LOUIS CATO. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE
STANDING RIGHT HERE WITH MORE MONOLOGUE, Y'ALL.
STICK AROUND.