Disclaimer: I had to make this video in a rush and the drawings are not going to be that good they're mainly sketches
So, I'm sorry that I didn't learn anatomy in class. The point of this video is not about the drawings
It's about what I have to say
Hi, my name is Frederic. if you're new here, I'm currently a freshman at NYU and I'm studying integrated digital media
Which is just the fancy phrase for graphic design
I realize I've never really shared my whole life on YouTube and that's
Understandable for a lot of people, but those of you who follow me for years know I like to get personal
I think it helps me connect with everyone because I'm not just an entertainer or a cute guy to watch before YouTube
I was your average human being who had an average day of playing video games practicing piano and studying until 2:00 a.m
Now, I'm still that same person except with other things going on in my life
and I want to share that with you because I want you to know how
2019 won for me as much as each and every one of us wants to make the next year great or better than the last
You can't control what life throws at you
I know a lot of you are going through hard times and I want you to know you're not alone. I'm going through similar experiences
This video does get into sensitive topics and some of the images are pretty flashy
So if you have epilepsy just be warned. You don't have to watch it. You can just listen. Anyways, let's get started. I
Had just finished all of my college applications and that was free from writing ten more supplemental essays YouTube was going great I finally passed
100,000 subscribers and I was planning on releasing my merch for the first time
I was so excited to share this with you because I was working on it for months now
Except I went into the year not in the best mental state. Okay, I'm gonna be honest
I don't think I'm ever in a good mental state
But if I am it goes away pretty fast and this happens a few more times in the year. I wasn't over my ex
I mean
I don't think anyone gets over their latest ex
100% until they date someone better in the future and listen some of you know about this person. This goes back two
Freakin years you would think I'll be over it by now, especially because we dated for only three months
But that was my first real relationship
I never really loved someone like that before and honestly
I just remembered him because I got a freakin birthday notification from my lovely phone calendar
there's just every new year I end up being single and
I just want to feel that same love again, but the problem was I didn't want to date
I was too scared to even though I am a romantic person
I didn't want other people to deal with my problems and I thought I was too busy with YouTube to have time to dedicate to
Them, so I never tried to date anyone
I'd be too scared to go on dating apps in fear that people would only swipe right because they recognize me, they wanted clout or
They just wanted to date me for the sake of dating someone "famous". That's in quotation marks
You guys know how I feel about that f word. it was a really weird start to the new year because I should have been
Happy, right? I had an amazing community on YouTube. My grades weren't terrible. I had a nice friend group
Why do I feel like something was still missing?
February my least favorite month one good thing that came out of it was that sunflower shoe video
it made me want to do art again because I had fallen out of it since I didn't really have time anymore to draw I
Mean I wasn't confident with what I did at the time
I never took classes, so I had to teach myself techniques
But it started a whole new series on my channel and you really liked it
So it made me want to keep going I kept designing and eventually made the bidget hoodie
Which you guys still like the most to this day. being able to design in general
Made me realize I had a passion for this too, and I never drew this much until now
but the reason I hate February is because
well
I've always been single and Valentine's Day is a thing some of you haven't even been a
Relationship and my advice is don't be pressured to even though I learned really important lessons from them
They put me in terrible mental states that I'm still trying to get out of. I was able to see an old friend of mine
Though you might know him as piebloxxer
he helps me with the channel sometimes. ever since I moved from South Carolina to New Jersey
I only stayed in touch with a couple friends and he was one of them. it was nice being able to meet up again because
I hadn't seen him in a while
How could I forget this month our school had this idea to do a talent show the winner would be crowned mr. And mrs
Moorestown that's the city I lived, in by the way
I thought it was a little bit tacky and I'm not really a performer anymore because I quit piano a few years back. it was
Mainly because I didn't like being competitive but my assistant principal, we'll call him Joe,
insisted that I join it. mind you, the people who signed up are really popular and
I don't want people to say I'm popular, not every youtuber falls under the archetype
I was just that one Asian guy who made YouTube videos. I wasn't gonna perform in front of my school. You're crazy
but Joe knew how I felt and he said "so change that" I've confided in him for months now and he really understood me as
A person he said "you wanted me up there to prove you don't have to fall under the moorestown stereotypes
(wealthy-cookie-cutter-family-and-the- children are perfect and didn't do and even bad in high school because the it's moorestown we're perfect)
Anyways, I reluctantly joined just to make him happy. I got to play my piano medley and I lost. was I salty?
No
because not many people showed up in the first place and I was just happy to
Have that confidence to perform again plus a lot of people theorized that the voting was skewed because they judges they hire counted for
75% of the vote in the people said I shoulda won but that's not the point
Then came March 28th the day I got accepted to NYU and rejected from every other school
I felt so happy because this was my first choice
I've always wanted to live in the city and my parents spend so much time and effort getting me to this point
I didn't want to disappoint them and then I saw the price. for those of you who are unaware
You have to fill out two things called the FAFSA and the CSS profile. basically the government and colleges themselves
Take a look at your financial status and they might give you
Scholarships or aid based on your grades and how much money you have or lack in your family.
I filled out the CSS profile two weeks late because no one ever told me about it and I got back my cost of attendance
And it was quite a lot
Actually full price. talking to the admissions office didn't help at all. I
Was really upset at that point and you probably know that because it talked about it on my channel
This was my first choice and I can't even be happy because I started blaming myself for everything
Why didn't I fill it out sooner? Why didn't I apply to more colleges? Why couldn't I apply to more scholarships?
Why didn't I study more? Why was I so stupid?
How am I gonna pay for this? How could I take this burden? And
Put it on to my parents now
Don't bother debating on how i shouldn't be upset because parents should pay for their child. Bah blah blah
The point is that's how I felt and that's still how I feel I carried the idea
That I let down my parents for months
I'm not here trying to say what I'm feeling is right most of the time
I know I'm being irrational dramatic
But just knowing that
Isn't enough to stop me from thinking negatively. My parents as loving as they are they said don't worry about it
We'll help you and I had to go to school pretending that everything was fine
my friends were
All happy I got in but I wasn't. I had this thing over my head just telling me how much of a disappointment I was
And I couldn't show anyone. Well, not that I shouldn't it's just that I didn't want to show anyone
April was a fun month because that was a senior trip
we went to Disney and I made some really happy memories there and even met some of you guys so it
Cheered me up a lot
Then I went on vacation because my parents wanted all of us to have that one last
Family gathering before I went to college and we hadn't been on a big trip in a while
Senior prom. Oh how much I hate dancing
I mean getting ready was fun, but honestly spending time at the beach with my friends for prom weekend was better
We then had all our graduation parties and started to say our goodbyes to high school. I
Got to see my sister again and it went to my first pride concert
It was a really fun time because I never really been surrounded by that many
People who were LGBTQ and it was just a nice time to celebrate. June 14th was the last day of school. Which meant
Graduation and saying goodbye to all the teachers who helped me become the person I am today
They were my mentors and gave me a lot of advice when it came to accepting myself
So if you're a teacher watching me right now, thank you
The graduation cap video
There's not much else to say except the fact that I was so excited to see my YouTube channel just start to grow
this Community of people who want to draw. it made me more passionate
Because I could finally see myself being able to pay for college and not have my parents do all the work
And then my ex came back. some context for you. He broke up with me. I hated him and myself for years
We had a lot of back-and-forth of just being toxic to each other
And for some reason at this point, I guess I was tired of hating him and I was in a good mentality
I didn't block him when he texted. we started talking again, and caught up and now we're just friends. granted
I did yell at him a little bit for texting me at 3 a.m. When I was about to sleep, but we're cool now
After saying goodbye to all my friends it was finally time to move into college
I was so excited to be living in a completely different environment from I grew up living in New York has always been my dream
And I finally achieved it
Honestly all these months were kind of a blur during my first semester
I kind of had the same events going on every week. Go to class, hang out with friends, do homework
I loved my major because it was genuinely fun for me. New York City had something new going on every day
I can't remember every event that took place and I'm not gonna focus on that
But I just know that I loved it and it can't wait to go back and see my friends again
It was final season and luckily for me I had no final tests only projects and essays
I managed to get all A's and I felt like my first semester was pretty successful eventually though
I did have to say goodbye to all my friends for now. Of course
I'll see them in another month once we return but it was time to see my friends back home and be with my family again
And as for my mental state well
It was going down since September as I noticed fewer people were watching me and more people unsubscribing
I started having doubts about myself. was my content stale now that I'm in college?
Do I not connect with you guys as much as I did before?
Did people only watch me because of how I looked? was I not entertaining enough? What did I do wrong? Why did I disappoint everyone again?
And myself? there are so many negative thoughts at one point that I would have to go out sometimes
you know walk the Brooklyn Bridge by myself just to cool off and I wouldn't tell anyone why I had to leave. To some of
You this will seem like an overreaction
I'm not going to deny that I am dramatic, but I'm not gonna let you sit behind that screen and say my feelings
Aren't valid YouTube means a lot to me. It's my dream. It's what I do for a living
I've always dreamt of making videos and being able to do it as my career because I find it fun and when you see something
You've worked five years on building just start to plummet for reasons you can't figure out. it gets to you
How would you feel if you started to watch your dream job start to Plateau?
I had to see red arrows pointing down all the time, my numbers just dropping and I couldn't stop thinking about it
I've already thought like this for years
I constantly battled this idea of am I enough or am I just
wasting my time doing this. even my mom asked me why I was losing subscribers or how much money I'm making this month and the
Truth is mom. It's less. I didn't want to tell you because I'm scared
You wouldn't be as proud of me anymore and that I'll let you down
Please don't blame my mom for feeling this downward thinking. I was just too scared to tell her the truth
I know she cares about me and is interested in what I do
I was just the one who kept
Thinking this way and I did this with a lot of people not just my friends and family
I would get scared that companies who sponsored me would be upset that I wasn't able to provide enough viewership for them or that my
Merch company would get upset because I couldn't promote my videos well enough to reach a wide audience
And I did tell you guys and I would do a meet and greet
at washington square park in December and I ended up not doing it because I didn't want you to see me like this
I was too scared for the possibility that once people saw me they wouldn't be satisfied
I kept bottling all my emotions because if I knew someone else knew my problems
I would feel even worse because I didn't want them to deal with me
I put all this stress under myself that I started attacking my own appearance
I had acne just from stressing myself out like this and then I lost
Self-confidence and even though I try to encourage you to be confident with yourselves. I fail to listen to my own words
2019 didn't really have a happy ending for me. I mean not every year can be great at the end
Sometimes I go through these low moments
But then I get to appreciate what I already have.
and, no. this video wasn't a cry for help or me
Trying to get you to pity me. I don't want you to I don't want to hear that
I'm sorry's this is mainly for myself to get this all out. I knew if I didn't make this video and speak my mind
I wouldn't get over it
You deserve to know what's going on in my life in case sometimes I don't upload or I seem off in future videos
And if you're in a similar situation, I hope this makes you feel less alone
I wish I had someone who could tell me an answer to everything I just said but that's not gonna happen
I know I have to change my mindset and stop judging myself
So critically, so hopefully I can do that better in the new year and I hope you feel better as well
That's all I wrote and I'm here reading it right now. I'm just gonna let you know I feel better
Sometimes these feelings just stay for a few weeks and then they just go
I don't know why these negative feelings just suddenly come and go whenever they want. knowing me, it's always gonna happen again this year
But the point is it always does go away. So sorry. This video is a little bit late. I love you guys and
Remember everything is less than three years
to 2020