WELL, FOLKS, THERE ARE 258 MORE SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL THE
ELECTION AND I CANNOT FIND A CANDIDATE WHO FITS ME.
IT'S ALL THIS PRIMARY WEIGHT I'VE GAINED, I GUESS.
THIS IS THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WE'RE DYING!
WE'RE DYING!
WE NEED MONEY.
PRO-TIP: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT GRAPHIC, SMOKE
AN E-WI AND PUT ON SIDE TWO OF PINK FLOYD'S "DARK SIDE OF THE
MOON."
IT MATCHES UP PERFECTLY.
, OF COURSE, THE BIG POLITICAL STORY RIGHT NOW, LAST NIGHT THE
G.O.P. HELD THEIR NEFTD CAUCUS, AND THE PEOPLE OF VEGAS DID WHO
THEY DO BEST THEY PULLED THE LEVER AND RISKED ABSOLUTELY
EVERYTHING.
AND WHEN IT WAS OVER, IT CAME UP ORANGE, ORANGE, ORANGE!
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP WON A HUGE VICTORY, TAKING EVERY LAS VEGAS
DEMOGRAPHIC: ELVIS IMPERSONATORS, WHITE TIGER
HANDLERS, EVEN MASTER ILLUSIONISTS.
WAIT WAITE!
WAIT!
WHERE DID HE GO?
NO!
YAY!
HOW DID YOU-- HOW!
POOF.
AND HERE'S THE REAL MAGIC: TRUMP GOT MORE VOTES THAN TED CRUZ AND
MARCO RUBIO COMBINED.
SO THOSE TWO COULD NOT HAVE BEATEN HIM EVEN WITH THE CLASSIC
DIRTY TRICK KNOWN AS LARGE TRENCH COAT.
>> WE WON WITH EVANGELICALS.
WE WON WITH YOUNG.
WE WON WITH OLD, WE WON WITH HIGHLY EDUCATED.
WE WON WITH POORLY EDUCATED!
I LOVE THE POORLY EDUCATED!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I BET YOU DO.
THE POINT IS, DONALD TRUMP IS NOW THE LIKELY REPUBLICAN
NOMINEE, WITH A REAL SHOT AT BEING THE NEXT PRESIDENT, AND
I'M NOT SURE IF I'M HORRIFIED OR ENTERTAINED.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING ONE OF THOSE NATURE DOCUMENTARIES WHERE THE
PYTHON UNHINGES ITS JAW AND SLOWLY SWALLOWS THE CAPYBARA,
AND THEN BECOMES PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU-- YOU-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT NOW, TRUMP WINNING ALL THESE
PRIMARIES HAS CAUSED THE ESTABLISHMENT REPUBLICANS TO
REALIZE THAT TRUMP IS WINNING ALL THESE PRIMARIES.
>> THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS WAKING UP TO
THE FACT THAT WITHIN A COUPLE OF WEEKS, DONALD TRUMP COULD BE
UNSTOPPABLE, FULLY IN CONTROL, AND THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE.
>> ALL DONALD TRUMP NEEDS TO BE THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE IS FOR
NOTHING TO CHANGE.
>> IT MAY BE TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.
THEY WAITED TOO LONG.
AND IT'S ALMOST AS THOUGH, WITH BUSH'S WITHDRAWAL, THEY
WOKE UP, AND THEY REALIZED, "MY GOD.
TRUMP IS ALMOST THE NOMINEE."
>> Stephen: YES, LIKE MANY OTHER LAS VEGAS VISITORS, THE G.O.P.
WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A RAGING HANGOVER, WONDERING
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SHHH.
BEN CARSON IS SLEEPING.
SHHH.
WAIT, WHERE DID THEY GO?
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
THIS BILLIONAIRE HAVING HIS WAY WITH THE ELECTION IS SHOCKING
AND UNTHINKABLE, TO THE BILLIONAIRES WHO HAVE THEIR WAY
WITH OUR ELECTIONS.
SO THEY'VE FORMED AN ANTI-TRUMP SUPERPAC, WHICH HAS ALREADY
SPENT MORE THAN $3.5 MILLION ON NEGATIVE ADS, MUCH OF THE
CASH COMING FROM THE FAMILY THAT OWNS THE CHICAGO CUBS.
AND WE ALL KNOW THE CUBS ARE SYNONYMOUS WITH WINNING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GET THEM NEXT YEAR!
BUT ESTABLISHMENT REPUBLICANS AREN'T JUST RELYING ON MONEY.
THEY'RE ALSO RELYING ON MARCO RUBIO, A MAN WHO DOESN'T
MIND TELLING YOU HE WAS NOT YOUR FIRST CHOICE.
>> I WASN'T THEIR FIRST CHOICE, OR IN SOME CASE OF SOME OF THESE
FOLKS, I WASN'T EVEN THEIR SECOND CHOICE.
AND MANY OF THEM DIDN'T WANT ME TO RUN.
BUT NOW THEY REALIZE THIS IS WHAT THE RACE IS.
THESE ARE THE FINALISTS.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR PATIENCE.
PEOPLE HAVE NOW REALIZED, "LOOK, ALL RIGHT, HE WASN'T OUR FIRST
CHOICE, BUT NOW HE'S OUR BEST CHOICE."
>> Stephen: HE'S JUST SAYING THE ELECTION IS NOT GETTING ANY
YOUNGER, AND AMERICA NEEDS TO SETTLE.
HE MIGHT NOT BE THE PRESIDENT OF YOUR DREAMS, BUT YOU'LL LEARN TO
LOVE HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL SUMMED UP IN HIS
POWERFUL NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, "MARCO RUBIO.
OH, YOU'RE SUCH A CATCH ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )