So yeah, from the Midwest,
moved to the city,
I got hit by a car immediately.
(audience laughing)
I did.
Yeah, I got hit.
Yeah, just crossing the street.
Because growing up in the woods,
you don't look both ways.
There's no traffic, it's dirt roads.
So I had the woods mentality,
moved to the city.
This is what happened.
I was hanging out with some friends
and I was like,
oh, I got to go you guys.
There's the bus.
I got to catch this bus,
I'll see you later.
And I went to walk, but the bus stop
was on the other side of the street.
And I just, I just walked
to the bus stop.
I didn't think.
I just walked straight to it.
And then I remember I got
in the middle of the road,
and I was like, oh right,
you're supposed to look.
So I looked and I just saw a Honda
Civic headed my way.
And I did that up noise.
I went up.
(audience laughing)
You know that up noise, when you
don't when, you just go up.
And then everything went dark.
That's all I remember going, up.
Black.
And then I wake up
and I'm just laying in the road,
and I popped up,
and the bus is at the bus stop.
And you know when you're in bus
catching mode,
(audience laughing)
whatever that was doesn't matter.
So I just popped up and went, bus.
And I hobbled, and I still got on
to the bus.
I swiped my card, I got a window
seat, everything's looking good.
And I sit down and the bus doesn't
move.
And then I look out the window
and there's about 30 people all
on the sidewalk
looking at me specifically.
And I was like, what's going on?
I didn't even know what happened.
And then see my friend comes
running across the street,
and he gets on
to the bus.
He goes, "Jeff, you got to get off
"the bus man.
"We all saw you get hit by that car.
"You flew into the air.
"I'm pretty sure you're in shock
"right now.
"There's an ambulance on the way."
And I was like, an ambulance?
That's going to cost a lot more
than this bus.
(audience laughing)
I don't have ambulance money.
I'm a bus guy.
So I stood up, I look behind me,
and everybody on the bus
was just looking at me wide eyed.
Because they're just on their way
home, and then they see a guy get
hit, and then still get on.
Just like, Mondays, can you believe it?
(audience laughing)
Oh, boy.
So, my friend, we got off then
we go back across the street,
and he takes me to the bathroom.
He goes, "you got to clean up."
And I look in the mirror
and there's just blood all
over my face.
Just, oh, just all blood.
And I was like, Cody, am I OK?
And he's like, "nobody knows.
"We have no idea."
So the ambulance shows up
and I'm talking to him.
I was like, I don't have any health
insurance.
Can I not go?
I feel OK.
I'm trying to talk my way out of it.
They're like, "no you got to go.
"Come on, let's go."
So they take me in the ambulance,
and I'm sitting in the ambulance,
and then we're on the way
to the hospital.
And I remember this, there's
an older guy in the mustache,
he's got the clipboard.
And he goes, "did I overhear you
"don't have any health insurance?"
I was like, yeah, I got nothing.
I'm freaking out.
Then he goes, "well, we can't bill you
"if you give me a fake name.
(audience laughing)
"So what's your name?"
And my name is Jeff Scheen.
And I went, it's Jeff Shine.
(audience laughing)
It was the best I could think of.
Even he was like, "isn't that
"your name?"
And I was like, it's close, but no.
And he's like, "how about we just
"call you Jeff Adams?"
I was like, you can call me whoever
you want as long as this is free.
Call me Betty, I don't care.
(audience laughing)
So we get to the hospital
and he grabs me by the shoulders,
and he goes, "remember,
"you're Jeff Adams.
"Good luck."
(audience laughing)
Like I'm getting
ready for an audition.
I'm like, thanks, dad.
I'll knock them dead.
So, I walk into the hospital,
I was like, hi, I got hit by a car
and I'm Jeff Adams.
Ta-da.
That's all I have for this character
so far, I'm still working on him.
You know, they're like, "all right
"have a seat.
"We'll come get you in a minute.
"We'll take you in the back room."
So they finally, they take me
in the back room.
The doctor shines a light
in my eyes.
And he's like, "well, I don't see
"a concussion so that's good,
"but how about you go out
"in the waiting room.
"We'll get you in a second to give
"you a cat scan
"and make sure your brain is not
"bleeding."
So I'm sitting in the waiting room,
and I'm freaking out.
With a cat scan they might figure
out who I am.
I don't know.
They're looking in here.
I'm not smart.
(audience laughing)
So I'm sitting there,
and the same guy he walks out.
And he goes-- the same paramedic
walks by and he goes, "hey, come
"outside with me real quick."
So we go outside and he goes, "do you
"have a concussion or anything?
"What's going on?"
And I was like, they want to give me
a cat scan to make sure my brain is
not bleeding.
So I don't know man.
And he's like, "the odds
"of that happening
"is like one in a million.
"They don't know who you are.
"Just get out of here."
(audience laughing)
So I just left.
(audience laughing)
And I got home, my roommate was
like, "what happened to you?"
And I was like, I got hit by a car.
And I just snuck out
of the hospital.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to go to bed.
Wish me luck.
(audience laughing)
And I made it.
Thank you very much, you guys.
I'm Jeff Scheen.