WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL -- ( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: WOO-HOO, INDEED!
HAPPY INURE, NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY.
IT'S 2022, AN UNPRECEDENTED STRAIGHT YEAR OF 2020.
LET'S BE POSITIVE, IT'S A NEW YEAR AND I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD
FEELING ABOUT 2023.
( LAUGHTER ) I HOPE YOU CELEBRATED NEW YEAR'S
RESPONSIBLY BECAUSE THIS SECOND BIGGEST HEADLINE THIS YEAR,
SCIENTISTS SAY THERE ARE NO HANGOVER CURES, TERRIBLE NEWS
FOR AN DICOHEN.
AN ANDY CO-HOSTED CNN'S NEW YEARS
EVE SPECIAL ALONGSIDE ANDERSON COOPER, WHO GOT A FRONT-ROW SEAT
TO THIS: >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
>> OH, PLEASE, TELL US SOMETHING ANDY.
>> WATCHING MAYOR DE BLASIO-- >> DON'T GO ON A RANT, DON'T GO
ON A RANT.
>> DO HIS VICTORY LAP DANCE AFTER FOUR YEARS OF THE
CRAPPIEST TERM-- >> THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO START
THE NEW YEAR?
>> AS THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK.
THE ONLY THING THE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS CAN AGREE ON IS WHAT
A HORRIBLE MAYOR HE HAS BEEN.
DI >> WOW.
>> SO, SAYONARA SUCKER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHOA.
WHOA...
USUALLY WHEN SOMEONE GETS THAT ANGRY DRUNK ON LIVE TV, THEY
HAVE TO GO EXPLAIN THEIR BEHAVIOR TO ANDY COHEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ANDY ADDRESSED HIS RANT THE NEXT
DAY, TWEETING, "GOOD MORNING!
UM, I WAS A BIT OVERSERVED LAST NIGHT."
UM, ANDY, YOU CAN'T REALLY BLAME THE BARTENDER WHEN YOU WERE THE
BARTENDER.
YOU THINK WE WOULDN'T NOTICE?
WE WATCHED WHAT HAPPENED LIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THEY WERE ALSO
WHOOPIN' IT UP IN THE CNN CONTROL ROOM, BECAUSE THEY GOT
DUPED INTO AIRING TWEETS FROM FAKE ACCOUNTS NAMED "BEN DOVER,"
"MIKE OXLONG," AND "DIXIE NORMUS."
( LAUGHTER ) NOT TO MENTION BEING PRANKED BY
THE FAKEST NAME OF ALL: WOLF BLITZER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S EMBARRASSING TO GET TRICKED
BY TWITTER TROLLS, WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO
THANK SOME OF THE "LATE SHOW" VIEWERS WHO ALERTED ME TO THIS
STORY ON TWITTER: IVANA UMPEW LUKE ATTERTUSH, DUSTEE LA BIA,
AND REALNAME MCPENIS-BOOBS.
TIMES SQUARE WAS LESS CROWDED THAN ORIGINALLY PLANNED.
THANKS TO OMICRON, OVER THE PAST WEEK, AN AVERAGE OF MORE THAN
400,000 CASES HAS BEEN REPORTED EACH DAY IN THE UNITED STATES,
TRIPLING FROM TWO WEEKS AGO.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE TRIPLING OVER THE HOLIDAYS IS MY
B.M.I.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT, IF
RESULTS FROM SOUTH AFRICA ARE TO BE BELIEVED, THIS SURGE SHOULD
BE OVER QUICKLY.
HERE'S DOCTOR SCOTT GOTTLIEB FACING THE NATION YESTERDAY.
>> IF SOUTH AFRICA IS ANY GUIDE THIS IS ABOUT A TWO MONTH
EPIDEMIC WAVE FROM START TO FINISH.
I THINK CERTAINLY BY THE END OF FEBRUARY WE WILL BE THROUGH
THIS.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, OMICRON SHOULD BE OVER BY FEBRUARY.
QUICK FOLLOW UP, DOCTOR: WHAT YEAR?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, THE END OF FEBRUARY MEANS OMICRON WON'T BE GONE IN
TIME FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, SO WE'RE GOING TO NEED NEW CANDY
HEARTS THAT SAY THINGS LIKE "DON'T KISS ME," "STAY AWAY,"
AND "U R HOT BCUZ FEVER."
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE MEANTIME, THIS FIFTH WAVE
-- THIS IS THE FIFTH WAVE, RIGHT?
WHAT WAS DELTA?
IT WAS FOUR.
OKAY.
I CAN COUNT.
THE FIFTH WAVE IS PUTTING A REAL STRAIN ON OUR
TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM.
DUE TO PANDEMIC-RELATED STAFF SHORTAGES, MORE THAN 12,000
FLIGHTS WERE CANCELED BETWEEN CHRISTMAS EVE AND NEW YEAR'S
DAY, AND HERE IN NEW YORK CITY STAFFING ISSUES LED TO THE
SUSPENSION OF SEVERAL SUBWAY LINES.
WHAT?
CLOSING THE SUBWAY BECAUSE OF GERMS IS LIKE CLOSING BROADWAY
BECAUSE OF JAZZ HANDS.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, IT'S NOT JUST
NEW YORK -- ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT JUST NEW YORK, JON.
>> Jon:IST NOT JUST NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT.
>> Jon: IT'S OTHER PLACES.
>> Stephen: IT'S OTHER PLACES.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: NOWHERE IS SAFETY POINT.
EVEN AN ANTARCTIC RESEARCH STATION WAS HIT BY A COVID-19
OUTBREAK.
NO ONE KNOWS HOW EXACTLY WHICH RESEARCHER CARRIED THE VIRUS TO
THE STATION, LEADING ONE BIOLOGIST TO SAY THIS:
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST.
>> STEPHEN: THE OUTBREAK AT THE RESEARCH STATION HAPPENED
DESPITE WORKERS BEING FULLY VACCINATED AND BASED IN ONE OF
THE WORLD'S REMOTEST REGIONS.
YES.
SO FEW PEOPLE THERE, SCIENTISTS SAY THE ONLY PLACE ON
EARTH WITH FEWER PEOPLE IS ANY MOVIE THEATER SHOWING "THE LAST
DUEL."
( LAUGHTER ) ANYONE HERE SEEN THE LAST DUAL?
NO ONE HERE'S SEEN THE LAST DUAL!
( LAUGHTER ) THANKFULLY, SO FAR, OMICRON
SEEMS TO BE MILDER FOR MOST PEOPLE THAN DELTA.
AND LAST WEEK, THE C.D.C.
ANNOUNCED IT'S CUTTING ISOLATION TIME FOR AMERICANS WHO TEST
POSITIVE FROM TEN DAYS TO FIVE.
THEY ALSO SAID YOU CAN SWIM RIGHT AFTER YOU EAT, BREAKING A
MIRROR ONLY GIVES YOU FOUR YEARS BAD LUCK, AND STEPPING ON A
CRACK WON'T BREAK YOUR MOTHER'S BACK, HER BACK WILL JUST BE VERY
DISAPPOINTED.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, WHY CHANGE THE RULES
MID-GAME?
C.D.C. DIRECTOR AND MY GUEST TONIGHT DR. ROCHELLE WALENSKY
SAID THE NEW GUIDELINES ARE TO "KEEP THE CRITICAL FUNCTIONS OF
SOCIETY OPEN AND OPERATING."
BUT PEOPLE ARE SUSPICIOUS, BECAUSE JUST DAYS BEFORE THE NEW
GUIDELINES WERE RELEASED, THE C.E.O. OF DELTA AIRLINES ASKED
THE C.D.C. FOR A FIVE-DAY ISOLATION.
WELL, THAT'S LONGSTANDING POLICY.
IF YOUR BUSINESS IS NAMED AFTER A VARIANT, YOU GET TO MAKE ONE
RULE.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST ONE.
( APPLAUSE ) OH, THERE IS NEWS ABOUT GEORGIA
REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN --
( BOOING ) -- SEEN HERE SELECTING A TRIBUTE
FOR "THE HUNGER GAMES."
YESTERDAY, TWITTER PERMANENTLY SUSPENDED GREENE'S PERSONAL
ACCOUNT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SHE'S OUTTA THERE!
NW, TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT JEWISH SPACE LASERS, SHE'LL HAVE
TO USE MORMON CARRIER PIGEONS.
DON'T KNOW WHY I HAD TO TURN TO DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) GREENE HAD BEEN TEMPORARILY
SUSPENDED IN THE PAST FOR SPREADING COVID MISINFORMATION
BUT HER LATEST ONLINE LIE VIOLATED TWITTER'S FIVE-STRIKE
POLICY.
YES, FIVE STRIKES.
SO, FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME.
FOOL ME THREE TIMES, YOU ONLY GET TWO MORE FOOLINS AFTER THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF INSANE PEOPLE TRYING
TO DESTROY EVERYTHING, WE'RE APPROACHING THE ONE YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION.
IN LIEU OF FLOWERS, THE RIOTERS ARE ASKING FOR MONEY IN THEIR
PRISON CANTEEN ACCOUNTS.
CONGRESS' SELECT COMMITTEE HAS SPENT THE LAST SIX MONTHS
INVESTIGATING, AND THEY'VE HAD SOME LUCK SUSSING OUT THE
DAY'S MOVEMENTS BY FORMER PRESIDENT FILET O'FOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR INSTANCE, ON JANUARY 6, THEY
NOW KNOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS SITTING IN THE DINING ROOM
NEXT TO THE OVAL OFFICE WATCHING THE RIOTS UNFOLD ON
TELEVISION.
WHICH MEANS ON JANUARY 6, 2021, THERE WERE NO RERUNS OF "THE
FLINTSTONES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SURE.
FLINTSTONES, SURE.
BUT HIS VIEWING WAS INTERRUPTED.
ACCORDING TO CONGRESSWOMAN LIZ CHENEY, "WE HAVE FIRSTHAND
TESTIMONY THAT HIS DAUGHTER IVANKA WENT IN AT LEAST TWICE TO
ASK HIM TO 'PLEASE STOP THIS VIOLENCE.'"
DIDN'T WORK.
EVERYONE KNOWS HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO HIS KIDS.
YOU'VE GOT TO SEND IN HIS TRUSTED MILITARY ADVISER:
COLONEL SANDERS.
(AS COLONEL) "I SAY, STOP THIS VIOLENCE.
IT'S FINGER LICKIN' BAD!" ( LAUGHTER )
SO, A FIRST-HAND SOURCE SAID IVANKA TRIED TO STOP IT.
I WONDER WHO HAD THE COURAGE TO COME FORWARD TO MAKE THE FORMER
FIRST DAUGHTER LOOK THIS GOOD?
I HAVE BEEN TOLD WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THIS MYSTERY WITNESS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE COMMITTEE HAS ALSO BEEN
INVESTIGATING WHY IT TOOK THE FORMER PRESIDENT SO LONG TO
ADDRESS THE MOB ON JANUARY 6.
APPARENTLY, HE KEPT HAVING TO RE-TAPE HIS VIDEO TELLING FANS
TO LEAVE THE CAPITOL RIOT, WHICH MAY EXPLAIN HIS 187 MINUTE
SILENCE DURING THE ATTACK.
OVER THREE HOURS OF SILENCE FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT?
THAT'S AN UNHEARD OF PHENOMENON MELANIA CALLS, "MY DREAM DATE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
INSIDERS SAY THAT HE HAD TO RE-SHOOT A VIDEO DURING THE RIOT
BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T SAY THE RIGHT THING.
OKAY, BUT WHAT WERE THEY EXPECTING?
NOT SAYING THE RIGHT THING IS HIS THING.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "WE HAVE TO RE-SHOOT THIS KOOL-AID
COMMERCIAL, THAT GIANT PITCHER KEEPS SMASHING THROUGH THE BRICK
WALL."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
BECAUSE THE COMMITTEE HAS ASKED THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES FOR THE
VIDEOS THAT WERE NEVER POSTED.
OH, GOOD!
WE'RE GOING TO GET TO SEE ALL THE BLOOPERS.
AND LIKE ALL THE BEST BLOOPERS, I HOPE THERE'S ONE WHERE HE GETS
HIT IN THE NUTS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS C.D.C. DIRECTOR DR. ROCHELLE WALENSKY.
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )