I see this all the time in therapy. People come in feeling like crap about themselves,
and then when we dig into it, they might not even realize it but it's because they've been comparing
themselves to others. That's why they feel like they are never good enough. They feel like they're
never going to measure up because everyone else is happier, prettier, fitter, or more successful
than they are. Now, sometimes comparison does make you miserable in a different way, like you
constantly look for people who are worse than you to lift yourself up. So you might be like,
"Oh, he's so lazy." "She's so vain." "He's so undisciplined." Or you do this with entire groups,
right? "Cops are all pigs." "Blacks are all dangerous." Fill in the political party:
"Republicans are all bigots and stupid." And while you may feel slightly better in the short
term when you compare yourself to someone you perceive as worse than you, that boost doesn't
last long because it's founded in insecurity. So here's what we do know about comparison:
It contributes to mental health concerns like eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression,
anxiety, social anxiety, body dissatisfaction, jealousy, narcissism, and perfectionism. I mean,
just to name a few. Um it could also lead to other problems, like overspending to keep up
with the Joneses. Uh one study found that when someone in a neighborhood won the lottery,
neighbors began making big purchases like expensive cars that they couldn't afford.
Um so long story short: when we compare ourselves to others it will always let us
down in the long run. So let's talk about three reasons why comparison lets us down,
and then we'll talk about what to do instead. So number one: comparison is a brain shortcut,
but it's also a blind spot. Um number two: you're outsourcing your identity. You're
making yourself helpless. And number three: comparison leads to isolation and drama.
Real quick, I'd like to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video. So BetterHelp
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Okay. So back to number one. Comparison is not based in reality. Okay, so remember, our brain
lies to us all the time. It distorts reality all the time. It takes these little cognitive
shortcuts to speed things up, but that gives you blind spots. So when we compare ourselves
to others, we often have what psychologists call a selective focus blind spot. We highlight maybe
what we don't like about ourselves, and then we only notice people who are better. So for example,
you might say, "Oh, I've got the worst acne in school," or "Everyone is skinnier than me." And
this feels true because we selectively ignore information that doesn't support that. So we
ignore all the other kids that do have acne and we focus on the kids that don't. Or we ignore
all the other people who are similar weight to to me and we, you know, just focus on everyone
who looks different from myself. So your brain isn't showing you the truth; it's just showing you
whatever confirms your beliefs. We also rarely see the whole person. We see what's on the outside,
but we don't see all the aspects of their lives. But our brain conveniently forgets about that. So
it might say something like, "Oh, he is so much smarter than me. I envy him. His life must be so
perfect." But we don't see that his parents are super perfectionistic or that he's actually very
lonely or really bad socially. Our our judgments are often false and superficial. So we're making
ourselves miserable by comparing our real life, which we know all the details of, to the stuff
people show on the outside. Uh you don't really know what's going on in their life. Um and,
you know, like it's easy to think of examples of this. You could make a long list of celebrities
that seemed perfect on the outside but their lives were a mess behind closed doors. So um let
me give you a more personal example. I have this family member who is awesome. Like she's friendly,
she's super outgoing, she's easy to talk with, she's super chill, and these are like so many
traits that do not come naturally to me. But I only see this family a couple times a year. And um
once I commented to her husband, "Oh, it must be so nice to be married to someone who's so chill."
And he replied very gently, "Well, sometimes she's a little too chill." And like without blaming her
he also mentioned that, you know, many important tasks don't get done because she's so chill. And
I realized I'd been comparing myself to her in a a way that was negative to me, but I I really wasn't
even seeing the whole picture. So not only does our brain ignore a lot of things without telling
us that it's ignoring them, but social comparison is a bigger problem now than ever in the past
because we interact in a real way with much fewer people than in the past. We all hang out
isolated in our own homes. We see only one side of people at work or at school or on social media,
but we like we don't live in a tight village where everyone knows everyone's stuff. We know
fewer people than ever in a real, deep way, so we compare ourselves to these like one-dimensional
cardboard cutouts of other people without really knowing their full nuance selves. First step: the
first way to deal with this is kind of catch your brain in the lies it's telling you. You've got to
catch yourself comparing yourself to others. Um on a practical level - you could use my worksheet,
you know, the link's in the description - but write down the situations where you most often
compare yourself to others. Write down your most common comparison thoughts, then remind yourself,
"Thoughts aren't reality. Like, let's challenge that thought." Um and it can be helpful to
remind yourself like, "My comparisons are usually false" or "Selective filtering makes me highlight
the their good and my bad" Um or "I can't see the whole person." Uh "No one has it all." And if you
really want to test this, go spend a week and go look uh - for for a week, or even just three days;
just three days - and try and look for everyone who's worse than you, and write it down,
and you'll see it. And go look for everyone who's better than you and write it down, and
you'll see it. And pay attention to how your mood feels on those days. And then spend one day doing
no comparison. Like every time you catch your yourself comparing, be like, "Oh, my comparisons
are false. I don't need to believe that comparison," and see how you feel. Okay. So that's
a fun experiment to try. Okay. Um also try getting off social media. I I know you're tired of hearing
that advice. Um you think you can see through it, but you can't. Okay? Like unfollow toxic accounts.
Like stop it. Uh take a minute to write down and notice the types of accounts that demotivate you,
whether they're like uplifting parenting accounts that make you feel like a bad parent or weight
loss or makeup or whatever. And and that takes us to um principle number two: comparison will
always let you down because you're outsourcing your identity. So even though it's natural to
compare yourself to others, basing your worth on comparison is fueling the underlying belief
that your worth is dependent on being better than someone else and that determining whether you're
good, a good person depends on how many people are above you or below you in the hierarchy. So
this will always let you down because you will always be able to find someone who's better than
you and someone who's worse than you. Even if you're a freaking Olympic gold medalist,
someone will be better at you in other areas, and in a matter of years someone will be better than
you at your sport. Comparison will always let you down. As my brilliant friend and fellow therapist
Kirsten Walters said, "The problem with comparison is that you're outsourcing your identity. You're
allowing others and the things outside of you to determine your worth. This is what's called
an external locus of control. Your sense of self-worth feels out of control because you're
basing it on things outside of you. o how do you stop? The first thing you have to do is realize
that your worth is not dependent on being better than other people. Let's choose something more
honest: your worth is inherent. You are always worthwhile and valuable. And the goodness of your
life depends on how closely you live your values. How much integrity do you have to what's important
to you? So if you want to build a solid, secure sense of self, to do this you've got to constantly
shift your attention away from comparison to integrity. So let's look at this. Let's look at
this. If in the past I said, "Oh, I want to be a healthy person. Well, Shelly is fitter than I am,
so I'm a failure. But Martha is in worse shape than I am, so I guess I'm good." That
is an external sense of self. That's outsourcing your sense of identity and your sense of worth.
So instead let's replace it with this: what do I want? I want to be healthy. Do I act in integrity
with this? I'm walking every day, but I'm eating too much junk food. How can I eat better? So we
base our motivation on what we are running toward, not running away from. Who do I want to be? How
can I move towards that a little bit more today? So your worth is inherent. You you're you're
always worthwhile. You're always worthy of love. But your goodness, like how good your life is,
is based on your values, not on comparison. So when you catch yourself comparing, ask yourself:
what does this say about what I really value? Do I - like if you say, "Oh, she's so popular." Do I
value getting a lot of people to like me, or do I actually value being confident internally? Do
I value something external like looking perfect all the time, or do I value getting physically
healthy? Do I value tearing other people down or building people up? So you shift your focus away
from competition as your goal. You focus on what you really care about. And I would say it's extra
helpful to create visual reminders of your values, your goals, and your accomplishments. So instead
of comparing yourself to others, you're going to channel all that dramatic energy into personal
growth, creativity, and pursuits that bring you joy and fulfillment. You're going to focus
that energy on being who you want to be. You take action to have integrity toward being that person
that you want to be. So for example, let's say you get all caught up in how popular that one girl is,
how how pretty that other girl is. Instead, say, "What do I really care about?" What's most
important to me is being authentic. I want to be real. I want to build other people up. I want to
be a good friend or I want to be a hard worker, and I'm going to focus on that instead of putting
other people up or down. On to number three. Here is the third reason comparison will always
let you down: comparison leads to isolation and constant drama. So social comparison is a type of
cognitive distortion. It's an attempt to move up the hierarchy. But is that really your goal? Like
it's totally natural, but it's just not a lasting form of happiness. Comparison is fed by a scarcity
mindset. It's based on the idea that there is not enough to go around. So because there's
not enough to go around, I've got to put myself in competition with everyone else to survive. You're
basically like putting yourself at war with everyone else. It's like crabs in a bucket.
If someone else starts climbing up, I've got to pull them down. Now, this this might sound like
hippie-dippy idea, but like even in competitive sports comparison is going to backfire. So let's
imagine like a soccer player. If his goal is to be the best player on his team, that might motivate
him to work hard. But there's one problem: that focus on being the best on his team may make
him compete with his teammates. Um he might not share the ball, or he might get angry about his
teammates' successes or goals, or he might feel constantly stressed and insecure. That's going to
make him not get along as well with his team. So what if instead the soccer player focuses on their
values? They'll be more successful. So this looks like saying, "I'm going to work as hard as I can.
I'm going to learn how to be a good team player. I'm going to learn how to make good decisions
on the field. I'm going to devote my energy to self-improvement and winning with my team." So
competing with others will only take you so far. To be truly great you need the lasting motivation
of your internal values paired with connection to other people. Now, I just want to throw this out
there for a second? Who benefits from making us all feel like life is a competition? Who
benefits from convincing us that we are unhappy as we are and we need to get more than other
people to be happy? Basically, everyone's selling something. Our belief in competition and scarcity
is fueled by the media and advertising. They make money by making us feel inferior. So choosing to
make your life about something else is an act of rebellion to the cultural messages we are
drowning in every day. It's an act of rebellion to materialism and selfish-ism. Healthy people
build a world of abundance and cooperation instead of scarcity and competition. At the very least,
we can create that world internally. We can live a life of abundance. So create a new rule that life
is about collaboration and not about competition. Lifting someone else does not cost you anything.
When someone else is happy, be happy with them. When someone else suffers a loss, mourn with them.
When someone else is successful, get excited for them. And learn from them. Like there actually is
enough happy to go around. This is not a limited resource. There's enough excitement for everyone.
Love is a renewable resource. The more you give, the more you have. He can be a hard worker, and so
can I. Like there's enough success to go around. The world is abundant, especially in all the
things that bring us happiness. When you're kind to someone else, you don't run out of kindness.
It grows inside of you. So the scarcity mindset is really what fuels comparison and competition. If
you feel stuck comparing yourself to others, you could try to shift out of this mindset by counting
your blessings. So when you shift your mindset from scarcity to abundance, suddenly you're
not going to feel so scared about whether you're good. Okay. So in summary, on a practical level:
number one: like just notice the people, places, and activities that trigger those comparison
thoughts, and recognize your distorted thinking. Remind yourself, "Comparisons won't make me happy,
successful, or connected," and then redirect your attention to your values. Who do I want to be?
What do I really care about? Who do I really care about? And as you do this you can begin to notice
like this true shift in yourself. So instead of comparing yourself to the public side of people,
you start to see people in a more real way. You'll see their gifts and their flaws, but you aren't
using them anymore. You - like when we compare, we're using their personhood for the selfish
purpose of determining your own goodness. So instead of competing with them, you can actually
connect with them. You stop comparing, and you start connecting. As you start to really see
people, you can start to see yourself clearly as well, and suddenly you can actually love yourself
too. That's what I hope for you. I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for being here.
You are inherently good. You're inherently worthwhile. Thank you for watching. Take
care.