Can you get your ex back if they’re holding a grudge? Well the short answer is yes, you can get
your ex back even if they hold a grudge. In fact, this may actually make it easier to get them back.
Hi, I’m Brad Browning, so-called Ex Back Geek and author of The Ex Factor Guide.
As a breakup coach, I’ve helped thousands around the world create a second chance with their exes
and I’ve seen it all. So believe me when I say I’ve seen so many exes who hold grudges
and it really isn’t the death sentence that you imagine it to be.
Because the reason an ex holds a grudge is that they’re still holding on to some aspect of the
relationship. Whether they’re still processing what happened, they wonder what they did wrong,
or they’re not ready to let you go, holding a grudge means they’re unable to move on
and this works to your advantage.
Remember the opposite of love is not hate,
it’s indifference. As long as they still have strong feelings towards you, you have a shot.
It’s when they feel nothing that getting an ex back will be difficult or impossible.
So if your ex is talking smack about you, texting you hurtful things,
or just generally showing you that they’re mad at
So what should you do if your ex holds a grudge? Well first off, I’d advise against getting drawn
into the drama your ex is trying to incite and, instead, pull away and get some distance.
This is where No Contact comes in. If you’ve read my Ex Factor Guide or seen
any of my videos then you’ve probably heard me talk all about the No Contact Method.
Basically it means cutting all contact with your ex for 30 days following the breakup,
or, if you failed to do this, starting immediately upon learning about the method.
The idea behind the No Contact method is that you can’t get someone back
by trying to convince them to change their mind about breaking up. This will only drive them
away from you. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen again and again in my career as a breakup coach.
Instead, what you need to do is pull back, give them the space they asked for,
and, essentially, go cold turkey from the relationship.
This is probably the last thing you want to do right now but that’s exactly why it works
so well… Your ex expects you to come crying to them, begging for a second chance. But if you
can break their expectations, you’ll notice the balance of power shift back in your direction.
Sometimes this is all it takes for them to reconsider the breakup.
So basically you have to spend 30 days without contacting them in any way.
This also includes responding to messages or phone calls.
Remember that they ended the relationship so they really can’t be upset at you for moving on.
I won’t sugarcoat it. This time apart is going to be difficult for you. But
it will be even more difficult for your partner. They’re going to have to really
reckon with WHY they wanted to end things and WHY they can’t stop thinking about you
even though you’ve vanished from their life. This can be enough to make them realize that
they aren’t fully over you and that, maybe, the relationship hasn’t yet run its course.
During this time, you need to be doing everything in your power to set yourself up for success when
those 30 days are up. This can include things like exercising, improving your appearance,
and maintaining a strong social life. It can also mean dating new people in order to keep
your confidence up. I know that dating someone new isn’t going to be at the top of your list
if you still want your ex back, but it can actually help you in that department as well.
Not only will it make your ex jealous and worried about losing you, it’s also a part
of acting as if you’re moving on. You want your ex to think that you’re off the market and no
longer available to them. Remember, we always want what we can’t have and that includes people
so being a little unavailable at this time will only work in your favour.
But before diving into No Contact, you may need to consider a few things if you
want to make this work. First, look at WHY your ex is holding a grudge.
There are a few reasons and ex may hold a grudge,
long after your relationship is over and unfortunately they’re not all an easy fix.
1.They’re leaning into the bad memories so that they can avoid falling back into your old habits
If your ex is angry at you, seemingly out of nowhere, then there’s a good chance that they’re
only acting this way because they still have feelings for you. They know if they let themselves
get close to you then you two would end up back together so they’re keeping a distance by acting
angry at you. What they’re really doing is trying to convince themselves that they’ve moved on.
2. You cheated on them
If you cheated on your ex, then it’s no wonder that they wanted to end things and
still hold a grudge. If this is the case, it’s going to take more than No Contact
to get them back and it’s possible that you may have lost your chance for good.
If your situation is unique and you’re worried that your ex won’t come back to you
then consider signing up for my online coaching service over at BreakupBrad.com/Coaching.
Together, we can work out a plan that will give you the best chance
at winning back your ex. Sign up now at BreakupBrad.com/Coaching.
3. They thought you were the one
Many people will hold a grudge when it turns out that your relationship wasn’t what they thought
it would be. This is because they idealized the relationship in their head. They thought
things were heading for a lifetime partnership, and obviously, it didn’t pan out that way. It
doesn’t matter what really went wrong–they’re blaming you and they’re holding a grudge.
4. They feel guilty
Oftentimes people will displace the guilt they’re feeling onto another person
in order to make themselves feel better. This is especially common when things were
complicated. In order to process the breakup, it’s much easier to look at your ex as a villain
who wronged you. I’m sure many of us have done this subconsciously without even realizing it.
5. You wasted their time
Is your ex someone who really feels that clock ticking to settle down,
get married, and start a life for themselves? Then chances are they’re holding a grudge
because your relationship fell apart and now they have to start all over. This is
probably the case if you strung them along and refused to make a real commitment but it can
also be true if you were in it for the long haul. They’re more upset at the situation
but they’re putting those negative feelings onto you to make themselves feel better.
6. They’re not ready to let you go
THIS is the one you should hope for if you want to get your ex back. I’ve talked quite
a bit already about how people will displace their negative feelings onto their ex in an
attempt to move on and this is the best example of that. There’s a significant chance that your
ex’s anger towards you is really just their way of continuing to think about you, talk about you,
and otherwise obsess over you without admitting to themselves that they want you in their lives.
Exes who are dealing with this can actually be some of the most cruel
and hurtful because they’re trying their hardest to hate you, when in reality,
they still love you and know that they made a mistake in ending the relationship.
It can be difficult to identify which of these categories your ex has fallen into,
and, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter for your attempts to get them back,
except in one specific case. If you know that you made some big mistakes like mistreating your ex,
cheating on them, or lying to them then you need to apologize before going No Contact.
They need to know that you know what you did wrong, you feel bad for hurting them,
and that you regret your actions. This can go a long way to changing your ex’s mindset
about you and it’s a great note to begin your No Contact period on.
Other than that, it doesn’t really matter WHY your ex is holding a grudge because stopping
them from holding a grudge isn’t your goal here. It’s getting them to take you back.
In fact, this sense of tension between the two of you can actually work in your favour when it comes
to the attraction process. Because, as I said, the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.
If they still feel that anger then they’re going to be more willing to engage with you, even if
it’s in a negative way, at first. It’s going to take some time to get through the negativity so
you two can begin the process but stick with it. If you’ve already apologized once, I don’t
recommend doing it again as this can make you look weak and less desirable. Instead, simply be
up front and honest with them and try to make them smile and laugh despite their negative feelings.
I think you’ll be surprised just how quickly they change their tune after 30 days apart.
So that just about does it for this video. If your ex is holding a grudge, I hope that you now
understand why and feel empowered to begin the process of getting them back despite all this.
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in the comments below. I read and respond to as many as I can and I always appreciate
seeing what you all have to say. Thanks for watching and I’ll see you in my next video.