- Every time I see Bernie on TV,
it looks like he got there through a series of accidents.
(laughs)
Like he slid on a banana peel and fell down a manhole.
Just landed behind the podium, like whoa whoa!
(laughs)
Sorry I'm late.
I accidentally set my hotel room on fire.
- All the candidates are white as shit,
we can't get nobody, the only person
we got with a little bit of color is Mike Bloomberg
and that's because his (beep) teeth is yellow.
You seen his (beep) teeth?
You seen Mike Bloomberg's teeth?
How the (beep) are you a billionaire
and you look like you been drinking
mango lassi since you was a kid?
What the (beep) is up with his (beep) teeth?
Mike, go see a dentist, mother (beep), damn!
- Bernie's gonna take the nomination.
Sure, I want him to win too,
but not for your goofy white reasons.
I want him to win because I'm 33,
most of my friends have passed me financially,
I want Bernie to tax the shit out of 'em.
(laughs)
Bring 'em back down to my level.
We're all going to Chipotle and
everyone's gettin' guacamole except me,
no more, not when Bernie Sanders is president.
Either everybody's gettin' guacamole
or nobody's gettin' guacamole.
That's how I live my life.
- Mayor Bloomberg's runnin' for president
and he's agreed to release the women
from the nondisclosure acts.
I think that's a good move on his part.
Except he allegedly called one woman
a horsefaced lesbian. (laughs)
And, well now I guess it's up to her
to come forward. (laughs)
I just, I don't want more damage to be done, you know?
- I feel like our country is the hot girl
from high school who let herself go.
But then she shows up to the reunion.
And all the other countries are standin' around like yo.
(laughs)
Did y'all see America?
She goin' through it.
Y'all heard she locked Mexico out the house, right? Mm-hm.
I heard she datin' Russia now, what?
- I got married recently, that's somethin' about me, yeah.
Married, that's fun.
So that means I'm watchin' The Bachelor now.
I was skeptical, I was like this show is fake,
it's not real, it's all bullshit,
none of them even like each other,
and then my wife was like, no,
but they have sex on the show.
And I was like this is the best show ever made.
It's insane, it's on ABC.
That means like 50 million people
sit down and watch porn as a family
in America, it's awesome.
But you just watch it to make fun
of it, that's what everyone does.
I was watchin' it, we were watchin' it together,
and then the next day I was like,
I wanted to go to my wife and tell her a line from the show
'cause it's so corny, I just wanted
to say a line to her in earnest.
Just to make her laugh, so I went up to her,
and I was like hey babe, last night,
you really showed me your heart.
(laughs)
Thinking she would be like ha ha, (beep) you.
Guys, she cried, she thought it was so beautiful.
She was like oh my god!
- That's really difficult with dating
is that women often expect you to be funny.
I often hear a girl say, it's really important
he know hows to make me laugh.
It would help if you told us
what kind of material you like.
(laughs)
So we could prepare the right stuff at home.
If you like storytelling or slapstick
or something topical from the news.
And then we can, what's going on with Donald Trump?
She's ah ha ha ha.
I'm so pleased.
- Netflix and chill, that's when
you invite somebody over to your house to have sex
while a boring-ass movie plays in the background.
But everybody, that's very important,
if you're gonna do it, listen up,
very important, make sure you put on a boring movie.
I'm serious, 'cause I made the mistake,
I invited a girl over, and I put on that Netflix show
Making a Murderer. (laughs)
That show is so interesting I completely
forgot what I invited her over for.
Midway through the show I look at her
and she's naked, talkin' about so what do you think?
And I'm crying, like, well obviously the police set him up.
(laughs)
Why are you naked, a man could go
to prison, it's not the time for that.
You're being selfish, put your clothes on.
- Yeah, I'm in love, that's a new thing.
I feel bad saying this during black history month
but it's my first white guy in six years.
(laughs)
So I went back.
(laughs)
They say once you go black, you'll never go back,
it's not necessarily true, OK?
It's that once you go black, you might
go back, but white guys will seem gay. (laughs)
(laughs)
It's tough to go from yelling Jamal to yelling Andy in bed.
- Now I do have a girlfriend, she calls me Vanilla in bed.
It's not a pet name, it is an adjective.
I'm not an aggressive lover.
Some guys'll talk dirty, some guys'll
be like whose pussy is this?
I know whose pussy it is.
It takes a lotta upkeep, I don't wanna take it on, OK?
I love you and respect you, please pee after sex.
(laughs)
Also, my girlfriend dated black guys
for like the last decade, so I don't
wanna ask her that and have her answer
with something that hurts my feelings.
Like I'm like whose pussy is this?
She's like, well, we're (beep) right now,
but Dequan really put the work in.
(upbeat music)