If you have legit reasons for saying no, why is it often accompanied by an irritating and irresistible feeling of guilt?
Strangely, this feeling is an experience many people have and the extent of it is pegged to our different cultures and identity.
We unconsciously want to be in everyone’s good books.
Striking a healthy balance between your yeses and nos determines how comfortable, accepted, and included you feel at all levels of association.
Being able to reject offers is part of fulfilling your responsibility to yourself and to the other person.
Your relationships become more productive.
Realizing this will give you a more permanent sense of joy and calm.
Luckily we have 15 tips to help you say no and deal with the guilt!
Number 15: Buy yourself some time.
You don’t always have to respond immediately.
It’s important to be mindful of the urgency of the situation, but if you feel pressured to accept, try to buy some time.
You can go with a simple response like needing to check with your calendar or your partner.
Alternatively, you can interrupt the requestor and ask to take another call or respond to a knock on your door.
Strangely, this moderates how the other person will receive your negative response.
The extra 10 minutes or one day gives their mind time to experience the relief of finally having talked about their needs.
It’ll seem somewhat lighter the next time you call them.
You also have more time to think about the options you have. It gives you control over the pressure and emotion of the moment.
Number 14: Think about the alternate future in which you said yes.
Is it a project you declined or a social invite? Is it a financial commitment?
Imagine the outcomes of it if you accepted the other person's request.
Even if you care about other people, when you’re frustrated you can unintentionally strain the relationship.
Cancelling on commitments makes you appear unreliable and flakey.
It causes undue frustration to yourself and the other person.
Number 13: Be honest and don’t complicate your response.
A no is easy to handle when it’s immediate and straightforward.
It’s important for the other person to know why you’re declining the offer.
Even so, keeping your explanations short and specific makes you sound more firm and decisive.
It shows that you have considered multiple factors and the sum of the outcomes will not allow you to give in.
Try not to lie, and if the other person tries to ask for more information, move on to number 12.
Number 12: Don’t negotiate with the other person.
The other person might try to make you cave.
They can try to ask more questions, guilt-trip you, give you a different, lower or more appealing bargain, or throw a pity party.
In this case, carefully reword and repeat your response.
You’re not obligated to hear the story when you know for sure you can’t help.
It might seem inhuman, but you’re protecting your peace of mind. Don’t indulge in a back and forth.
Number 11: Understand that your culture and identity play a role in why you feel guilty.
The environments we grow up in affect how we experience the world.
If you were frequently reprimanded over the mistakes that you made, saying no would trigger that feeling of failure.
You can begin to ask yourself, why couldn’t you just deliver?
Perhaps you’ve had some experiences in the past with your loved ones where you were made to feel guilty about being yourself or making your own choices, or maybe it’s natural for you to want to please others.
The ability to say no without feeling terrible is largely a factor of expressing yourself.
Becoming more self-aware will bail you out.
Number 10: Notice how often people accept a no.
People refuse to grant requests every day.
Children refuse to help their mothers, ladies refuse to go out on dates, bosses refuse to grant some employees leave days. It happens, and most of the time, it’s not a big deal.
The mind just finds it easier to remember and retain the memory of that one time when the other person blew up and stormed away.
Having this in mind will help you gain more perspective.
Number 9: Reflect on your reasons for saying no.
That terrible feeling can proceed from the expectations of the requestor.
Every so often, when people approach you, they need you to agree with what they’re suggesting.
It can be genuine that they’re in dire need of your help or manipulative when the other person is entirely focused on their end goal.
Why did you say no and what did you gain?
If, for example, you declined a job offer that your friend pulled strings to get for you, that is proof that you trust your own judgment.
For every “no” moment that replays negatively in your head, you can write down why you didn’t do it. It will give you a better understanding of your own biases and blindspots and do away with undue guilt.
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Number 8: How you say no matters.
How you say no determines how the other person receives it.
All factors considered, playing your part includes being mindful of the other person.
Refusing others can be painful, so we must learn to say “no” in a way that makes it most likely to be accepted.
Learn to refuse a request firmly but with respect and without being deliberately hurtful.
Number 7: Other people can project their interpretation of your response to you, making you feel guilty.
Psychologically, people don’t remember what you said, they remember how it made them feel.
That means that they’ll be responding based on how it made them feel, and they may take time to see it from your point of view.
At the same time, the thought that the other person perceives you as rude or selfish may be the reason you feel guilty.
When you say no, it reflects that you are able to judge your intentions as well as those of other people.
Number 6: Recount the times you looked out for the other person.
The fact that you feel guilty means that you are a kind and caring person.
The feeling of regret, however, will be telling you the opposite.
You’ll be thinking that you're selfish and self-centered.
When the feelings become hard to shake off, recall the times you helped the person in question and other people.
Recall a time when you said yes to that particular request and it worked out, and evaluate the factors that have changed in both instances.
You’ll become more forgiving of yourself, and even notice actual tendencies of selfishness that you can work on.
Number 5: Find out why you feel obligated to accept.
Aside from the desire to want to help or please, in some cases the pressure to accept comes from setting yourself up to standards that are ridiculously high to achieve.
The feeling of guilt in such a case would reflect an inability to prioritize and notice when things are beyond your control.
Occasionally, you're unable to do something you usually would do because of your current circumstances.
Learning to say no in low-risk environments will help you learn how to prioritize.
Number 4: Remember you can’t do everything.
When you have other commitments, you’re allowed to prioritize what’s most important.
Your activity doesn't accurately reflect how efficient or productive you are.
When you let go of some things, the people around you receive the best from you.
Number 3: Set a clear commitment to your “yes”.
The believability and certainty of your “yes” is 100% tied to your “no”.
No one likes or needs a yes man.
No is your biggest asset if used at the right time and with the right attitude.
If you’re committed to your yes, you’ll never have to fear saying no.
You’ll be able to say it boldly and without any guilt because your word has been proved to be consistent and intentional.
Number 2: Make a counter offer.
This will require you to think on your feet.
If you’ve established it ’s nothing you want to be involved in , then you can counter with something you know won’t work.
For example, you’re invited to a girl’s night out and you honestly believe it’s going to disturb your me-time. You can suggest bringing the kids along, which is a definite no no. But hey, you won’t go after all.
Another instance is when you’re requested to give a ridiculous amount for a donation.If you believe it’s for a good cause, then go ahead and suggest a lower amount that comfortably works for you.
Number 1: Have a policy.
Simply put, these are principles that you can’t break to ensure you are at peace with the people who matter to you.
For example, if you decide never to lend money to colleagues and you make it known to them, It becomes less personal.
They’ll respect that it makes you uncomfortable and therefore they won’t push.