- His new movie is called Here Today.
And you can see it in theaters right now, but
from time to time on the show, we get guests with, you know
stories so epic, so long,
that there's just not enough time to tell them.
And there's some great storytellers out there.
So it just so happens that Billy is one of those guests.
So we now bring you another installment of Epic Storytime.
♪ Epic Storytime. ♪
- (Laughs) I love that one.
Okay. Oh, with this segment I ask one question,
just one, and Billy will tell us an Epic story
backed by a bunch of illustrations.
As always, I'll have some follow-up questions at the end
cause that's who I am.
So here's my one question.
Billy, it's almost summer.
Do you like to get
out this time of year and enjoy your garden?
- Yes, I do.
And that, Kelly, that is my, my Epic story.
(Kelly laughs and claps)
- I love that!
- Okay. And it has to do with my garden.
A while ago my daughter was about to be married
and we were going to have a big outdoor party
at the house and the garden.
So we had to resod it, the whole thing,
it is about half an acre.
So we have beautiful grass.
All stunning flowers, it looks sensational.
Then one morning it was all torn up.
The beautiful sod was ripped up.
plants overturned every place,
so we had to redo it.
We put new sod down, rolls and rolls.
Next morning, it's all rolled up.
We thought it was kids in the neighborhood
screwing around or Red Sox fans.
And so I alerted the neighborhood security service,
watch the fence, nothing.
The next day, the garden is dug up again.
And now there were animal prints all over the place.
And the gardner says to us, you got raccoons,
you have raccoons, and maybe a skunk.
And the raccoons.
they eat the little grub worms on the bottom of the sod
and on the roots of the plants.
So one night I'm in full tuxedo.
I have to host a charity event
and I'm late and it's all the way downtown.
And I'm in my tuxedo,
I go to leave.
The front door is glass.
And why do I see?
A big raccoon sitting right
on the welcome mat,
looking at me through the glass.
This raccoon was huge, he looked like he was a mascot
for a team named the raccoons.
That's how big it was.
So I tap on the glass and he stands up in like a karate pose
and he goes, come on out, come on out,
come out Mr. Big Shot.
I will bite you in the ass.
Come on, come on out.
I'm scared.
So I run to the back door and he's there!
Either that or another one
that looked just like him, but come on.
what are the odds on that?
And I go get out of here, get out of here.
And I had a jar that had a lot of change in it, right?
So I, I shook it at him
and then he just starts laughing at me.
What are you doing
with your parking meter money?
What are you dumb? Come on now!
So I get a broom and I go,
get out of here.
Scat, scat, scat, scat.
And he goes
♪ Sha ba da, sha ba da, sha ba da, sha ba da. ♪
He starts scatting for me.
This is a real, pretty smart raccoon.
And he says, Oh, by the way, Mr. Big Shot.
I left you a little gift on your welcome mat.
So I run to the front door and he had pooped.
- So now, now I'm really angry.
I'm really angry.
So I go on the internet to see raccoon deterrence.
What can you do to deter a raccoon?
And they say, get coyote urine.
Get coyote urine.
Sprinkle it around your flower beds
and where you think they're coming in .
Coyote urine.
So Kelly, my luck I'm out of coyote urine.
I don't know that happened.
Must've been the holidays.
And he said, well, if they smell the coyote urine,
and they get scared
cause coyotes are a real predator for the raccoon.
So I think if they're scared of a coyote
they'd be terrified of me.
So I peed in the garden.
(Kelly laughs)
Everyplace I possibly could.
And I am an older man now,
so it took me about 45 minutes or so
to get everything covered.
And there's this the neighbor who lives
on a hill looking right down at me as I'm finishing up
and he's smiling and waving.
It didn't phase me at all
because apparently Gary Busey lived in a house before I did.
So.
(Kelly laughs)
So nothing, nothing.
And, and the, the garden keeps getting torn up
and there's always a fresh poop right on the welcome mat.
So now I'm talking to a friend, I said,
I got this raccoon problem.
And he goes, wait, I got a guy.
I got a guy.
The guy they talk about,
everybody, is a guy named Trapper Joe.
And he humanely captures them
and then releases them in the wild.
So Trapper Joe comes over to the house.
I meet him and he insists
on being called Trapper Joe when you talk to him.
So now I feel like I'm in a kiddy show or something.
(Kelly laughs and claps)
Think we will catch anything, Trapper Joe?
Well, I sure hope so, Bill. I sure hope so.
And now we're sniffing around the garden
and he's sniffing around the flower beds
and he looks at me and goes, did you pee in the garden?
And I, I couldn't lie, I said,
my, my, my wife did, my wife did.
So then, he brings out three cages, right?
He puts the cages down.
One of them is covered in a black hefty bag.
Then Casey catches a skunk because if you catch a skunk
you don't want them to spray.
Cause that spray smells worse
than anything you can possibly imagine.
And he bastes it with sardines and that's it.
And he leaves and now the morning comes and Kelly,
to me, it's like, it's like Christmas morning.
Did I, what did I get? What did I get?
Did I get anything?
And I look at it in a garden and the door of the one
with the black hefty bag is shut.
There's something in the cage.
So I tiptoe out there and I take my broom with me
and I touch the cage and it starts shaking like this,
and I started screaming like a four year old girl.
Like I got something in the cage.
There's something in the cage.
So I called Trapper Joe, what is it?
There's something in the cage.
So Trapper Joe comes over and he's, like,
dressed in riot gear.
And he opens up the door,
reaches in with his thick leather glove,
and he pulls out Frisky.
our neighbor's cat.
- Oh my gosh, all that trouble.
- So for the first three days, we caught Frisky twice,
a bluebird, and one of the smaller gardeners
who apparently love sardines.
(Kelly laughs)
And the garden keeps getting tore up, torn up.
And then one day about two days later,
I go out in the morning and there in a cage
is a small raccoon.
And then in another cage is the big raccoon.
The one that taunted me.
So Trapper Joe comes.
He takes them, puts him in the back of his pickup truck.
So the big guy looks
like some criminal that the cops are taking away.
The backseat of the car.
He takes him about 45 minutes outside of LA
into the, into the Hills,
and he releases them and he videos them,
so you make sure that they weren't harmed,
and they run away.
And the big one stops, turns around,
and gives him the finger.
(Kelly laughs)
- I want that picture.
- And now it's been, it's been a long time
and we haven't had any problems, you know, in the garden.
The only problem is, we still don't know who's pooping
on our welcome mat.
(Kelly laughs)
And that, that is the end of the story.
- The end. Poop! (Kelly laughs and claps)
Oh my God! That's amazing!
His new movie is called Here Today
and you can see it in theaters now.
And thanks to Marcel
in our art department for those great illustrations.
- Oh my God.
He's incredible.