Hi America, my name is Catherine Cohen,
and I, along with Susie Essman, am going to talk
to you about my father, Michael Cohen.
He's sorta going to prison, which means
I get his car, vroom, vroom, lol.
Just kidding, Michael Cohen is absolutely not my father,
we just have the same last name
and have both read The Art of the Deal twice.
I'm just kidding, again, oh my god,
I'm so funny, and I lie, like a lot.
Maybe he is my Dad.
Anyways, here's Susie Essman, followed by an update by me,
a New York City comedian and not Michael Cohen's daughter.
My name is Catherine Cohen, but first, my dad.
- The man doesn't tell the truth, and it's sad
that I should take responsibility for his dirty deeds.
- [Catherine] That's Michael Cohen, President Trump's
former fixer who is going to prison
for three years on nine felonies.
Oh, and he also allegedly played lawyer to this guy.
- By the way, there's a really hot-looking chick
in the third row there, how you doing, baby?
I'll take you backstage to meet
Hank a little later if you want.
- [Susie] Cohen grew up on Long Island,
son to a doctor and a nurse.
In high school, Cohen picked up Donald Trump's book,
The Art of the Deal, and read it cover to cover twice.
He admired Trump ever since.
- Many brilliant people write books,
and many people write books, but not
too many people can talk about being number one.
- [Susie] After graduating from American University,
he attended Thomas M. Cooley School of Law.
The school has been criticized for its
low GPA requirements, and the high number
of graduates who fail the bar exam.
According to Cohen's classmates, he'd often joke
about his 2.0 grade point average.
- I love the poorly educated.
- [Susie] But, he graduated in 1991,
just as certified a lawyer as any other.
Just one year later, he went on to work for
Melvin J. Estrin, a personal injury lawyer
who just three years into Cohen's tenure
pled guilty to insurance fraud,
making him one of the first criminals tied to Cohen.
After Estrin was indicted, Cohen worked out of a taxi base
in Queens owned by Simon Garber, a Russian taxi magnate
who once pled guilty to breaking into
a few neighbors' homes, shattering glass doors,
smearing blood everywhere, and then taking a shower.
Cohen became a force in the taxi business in the mid-90s,
after marrying the daughter of a taxi entrepreneur,
inheriting her parents' taxi empire.
By the late 90s, Cohen had acquired a stock of medallions,
the licenses you need to operate a taxi in New York City,
but didn't pay taxes on the profits for the medallions,
taking tens of thousands of dollars from the MTA,
and hurting the average commuter.
In 1999, as Cohen was managing trust accounts for clients,
a Montreal Canadiens hockey player wrote a check
for 350,000 to Cohen, that was supposed to transfer
to a Florida woman, but she never received it.
A lawsuit ensued.
In Cohen's deposition, when the plaintiff's lawyer
showed him the endorsed check, and asked if it's
his signature, Cohen said: I don't know, but it could be.
The money is still at large.
In 2003, his Trump fetishism started to show again.
He bought up apartments in Trump properties,
and just a few years after Trump's first
unsuccessful run for president, Cohen himself
launched an unsuccessful run for City Council.
In 2007, Cohen came into Trump's life the same way
anyone comes into Trump's life: by complimenting him.
The New York Post published an article where Cohen said:
Trump properties are solid investments.
This caught Trump's attention.
Trump told The Post that Cohen is a very smart person.
The bond began.
Trump hired Cohen again later that year
as Executive Vice President of the Trump Organization,
and Special Counsel to Donald.
But he was more than just a Vice President and lawyer.
One unnamed associate told ProPublica Cohen
did jobs for Donald that no one else would do.
He even allegedly carried a licensed pistol around,
in an ankle holster like some kinda sexy spy.
In 2008, he voted for this guy.
In 2009, he ran for New York State Senate
before eventually pulling his name out of the race.
And then he realized who the real horse to bet on was:
not himself, but instead, his hero, Donald Trump.
- I'm having a lot of fun with it.
It's not my primary business, but it is a great fragrance.
I'd like to say that if you put it on,
anything you want will come true.
Now, maybe that's true, maybe it's not,
in some cases it will be true.
- [Susie] In 2010, Cohen set up the website Should Trump Run
to see if other American citizens had Trump fever.
He'd even try to get Trump to be
a fictional president in Sharknado Three.
Hollywood Reporter says Cohen worked on legal documents
to secure Trump the role in a film where he'd shoot
a shotgun at flying sharks in the halls of the White House.
But then Cohen allegedly pulled Trump out,
saying it might affect any legitimate
run for the presidency Trump might make.
The role went to Mark Cuban.
(dramatic music)
(gunshots)
But despite the fact it was him
that turned down the role, Cohen lost it.
He basically said: How dare you?
Donald wanted to do this, we're gonna sue you.
We're gonna shut the entire show down.
The same year Sharknado was released,
the site Should Trump Run became a reality.
- I'm really rich, I'll share that in a second.
And by the way, I'm not even saying that in a brag.
That's the kind of mindset, that's the
kind of thinking you need for this country.
- [Susie] Cohen was there to defend Trump
in the stormy days of his early campaign,
when stories resurfaced that the soon-to-be
President of the United States had been accused of
raping his wife Ivana, who later walked back the statement.
Cohen came to defend Trump, saying:
By the very definition, you cannot rape your spouse.
It is true, you cannot rape your spouse.
Before The Daily Beast published the article
with Cohen's vile comments, Cohen threatened the reporters.
I will make sure that you and I meet one day
while we're in the courthouse, and I will take you
for every penny you still don't have.
And I will come after your Daily Beast
and everybody else that you possibly know, Cohen said.
So I'm warning you, tread very (beep) lightly,
because what I'm going to do to you is going to be
(beep) disgusting, you understand me?
The article was published.
Cohen apologized for his basically
pro-rape comments by calling them simply inarticulate.
He's also made some inarticulate statements on Twitter.
Having a great night with Aviva and Reid,
hashtag Real Housewives of New York.
George showed up with an erection, smiley face emoji.
At Bret Michaels, hey brother, hope
you're doing well and wanted to say hi.
So looking forward to the Entourage movie coming this
summer, congrats to Mr. Doug Ellin, the script is amazing.
- And then, days before the 2016 election,
Cohen made 300,000 dollars in payments
to former Playboy model Karen McDougal
and adult film actress Stormy Daniels,
in return for her silence about claims
that she had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006.
In March of 2018, Cohen admitted to the payment,
but claimed he used his own money from a line of credit
on his house, and that Trump knew nothing about it.
Whatever he did, he did on his own, Trump said.
Cohen now claims all of this is wrong.
- He's saying very clearly that he
never directed you to do anything wrong, is that true?
- I don't think there's anybody that believes that.
- [Catherine] Cohen has come a long way from once claiming
he would take a bullet for Trump.
People close to the pair, like Trump's
former campaign advisor Roger Stone,
told the New York Times that Donald goes out of his way
to treat him, Cohen, like garbage.
So, Cohen, who had everything to lose,
ended up cooperating with federal officials
and weathering his own storm, for once.
He came clean about everything.
I blame myself for the conduct which has
brought me here today, Cohen said, and it was my own
weakness and a blind loyalty to this man
that led me to choose a path of darkness over light.
Cohen pleaded guilty to violating campaign finance laws
by funneling illegal hush money to cover up
Trump's alleged affairs before the 2016 election.
Under oath, Cohen said Trump directed him
to make the illegal payments.
He also pleaded guilty to lying to Congress
about Trump's businesses in Russia.
Cohen has been sentenced to three years in prison,
but he's never felt better.
- I have my freedom, and I will not be the villain,
as I told you once before, I will not
be the villain of his story.
(light music)