( APPLAUSE )
BAND, EVERYBODY, STAY HUMAN, RIGHT THERE.
COME ON!
( APPLAUSE )
MY FRIENDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WONDERING, AS WE SAID LAST NIGHT, JON IS OUT IN LOS ANGELES
GETTING READY FOR THE GRAMMYS, NOMINATED FOR 11 GRAMMIES THIS
YEAR.
IT TAKES A WHILE TO PREP FOR THAT.
DO WE KNOW, HAS HE WON ANY YET?
HAS HE WON ANY OF THEM YET?
>> I THINK HE'S TWO UP.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NO, OKAY.
YOU LIED TO ME, LEWIS.
YOU LIED.
>> SORRY.
>> Stephen: LEWIS, I HOLD IN MY HAND, WE HAVE TWO FANTASTIC
GUESTS TONIGHT, HANNAH GADSBY, A FANTASTIC COMEDIAN.
AND THE WONDERFUL, THE TALENTED, SANDRA BULLOCK WILL BE ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
QUESTIONERT, BRAVE WOMAN.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE, PATIENTLY AND ASTUTELY SCRUTINIZING THE
BOXWOOD AND MAHOGANY CHESS SET OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES,
DEVELOPING THE CENTRAL HEADLINE-PAWNS, DEFTLY
MANEUVERING AN OHSO TOPICAL KNIGHT TO F-6, FEIGNING A
CLASSIC SICILIAN-NAJDORF VARIATION ON THE NEWS, ALL THE
WHILE, SEEING EIGHT MOVES DEEP AND PATIENTLY MARSHALING THE
LATEST PRESS RELEASES INTO A FISCHER-SOZIN/LIPNITZKY ATTACK
THAT CULMINATES IN THE ELEGANT, LETHAL, SLOW-PLAYED EN PASSANT
CHECKMATE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS--
( APPLAUSE )
I STARTLE AWAKE UPSIDE DOWN ON THE MONKEY BARS OF A CONDEMNED
PLAYGROUND ON A SUPERFUND SITE, GET ALL HEPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS,
RUMMAGE THROUGH A DISCARDED TAG SALE BAG OF DEFECTIVE TOYS, YANK
OUT A FISTFUL OF DISEMBODIED DOLL LIMBS, TOSS THEM ON A
STAINED KID'S PLACEMAT FROM A DEFUNCT DENNY'S, SET UP A TABLE
INSIDE A RUSTY CARGO CONTAINER DOWN BY THE WHARF, AND CHALLENGE
TOOTHLESS DRIFTERS TO THE GODLESS BUGHOUSE BLITZ
OF TOURNAMENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MASSES.
MEANWHILE, A FOOT-TICKLING MACHINE HAS REVEALED WHICH PARTS
OF THE FEET MAKE MEN AND WOMEN GIGGLE THE MOST.
ACTUAL PROFESSIONALS BUILT AN ACTUAL FOOT-TICKLING MACHINE AND
NAMED IT "TICKLEFOOT."
ALSO THE NAME OF THE BOOTLEG CHINESE "TICKLE ME ELMO."
SO WHAT DID TICKLEFOOT DISCOVER?
TURNS OUT, FOR WOMEN, THE MOST TICKLISH IS BY THE CENTER OF THE
ARCH, AND FOR MEN, IT IS SLIGHTLY CLOSER TO THE TOES.
THAT'S GREAT.
HEY, SCIENTISTS, WHILE I HAVE YOU, HOW'S THAT CANCER CURE
NO, BY ALL MEANS, DO NOT RUSH THE WHOLE FOOT-TICKLING THING.
MEANWHILE, IN VENICE, THE SPLASH MOUNTAIN OF ITALY, TOURISTS ARE
BEING SUPPLIED WITH WATER PISTOLS AT SOME LUXURY HOTELS TO
WARD OFF AGGRESSIVE SEAGULLS.
THAT'S GOT TO BE A WEIRD TO CHECK-IN TO ONE OF THOSE FANCY
HOTELS:
"BENVENUTI.
HERE ARE YOUR ROOM KEYS, YOUR WATER PISTOLS FOR THE ANGRY
SEAGULLS, AND THESE MACHETES ARE FOR THE PARTICULARLY LARGE
RACCOONS.
NATURE IS TRYING TO RECLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HERS.
ENJOY YOUR STAY!" HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON: THE
CITY'S BIRD POPULATION IS GETTING SO BOLD THAT THEY'VE
STARTED TO SWOOP DOWN TO STEAL FOOD OUT OF UNSUSPECTING
VISITORS' HANDS AS THEY DINE ON HOTEL TERRACES.
EXPLAINS WHY VENETIAN RESTAURANT MENUS NOW SAY, "TODAY'S
SPECIALS: WHATEVER OUR SEAGULL OVERLORDS DEEM UNWORTHY OF THEIR
RAVENOUS BEAKS.
BUT SOME ARE ASKING FOR MORE PERMANENT SOLUTIONS, LIKE THE
PRESIDENT OF THE VENICE HOTELIERS ASSOCIATION, WHO
ARGUED THAT BIRDS OF PREY COULD BE THE ANSWER.
OF COURSE, THAT'S HOW THE FORMULA ALWAYS WORKS.
FIRST, YOU GET BIRDS OF PREY TO DEAL WITH THE SEAGULLS.
THEN, OBVIOUSLY, WHEN THE BIRDS OF PREY GET OUT OF HAND, YOU
BRING IN BABOONS.
AND WHEN THE BABOONS TAKE OVER ST. MARK'S SQUARE, YOU JUST
BRING IN THE TIGERS.
AND FROM THEN ON, IT'S TIGER-TOWN.
PROBLEMA RISOLTO!
( LAUGHTER )
FOR ITS FIRST FIFA WORLD CUP I
36 YEARS.
THEY'VE DONE IT.
CANADA.
FIFA.
SOCCER.
THEY'VE SCIENTIFICALLY ENGINEERED A HEADLINE IMPOSSIBLE
FOR ME TO CARE ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER )
MICROPLASTICS IN PEOPLE'S BLOOD FOR THE FIRST TIME.
SO, NOTE TO SELF: WHEN DISPOSING OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD,
REMEMBER TO SEPARATE IT INTO THE RIGHT BINS.
( LAUGHTER )
A MAN PROTESTED HIS DENTIST WITH A GUITAR SOLO OUTSIDE THE DENTAL
OFFICE.
TAKE A LOOK: ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, VERY ROCK AND
ROLL, BUT NOT UNPRECEDENTED.
HE'LL NEVER MATCH THE RAW SEXUALITY OF WHEN LED ZEPPELIN
DID THIS: ♪ ♪ ♪
>> DON'T GO TO THE SUPERCUTS ON FRANKLIN AND MAIN.
THEY DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR FIRST!
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO
SANDRA BULLOCK.