If you're listening to the radio
in the car, you are going to hear
the country music.
Now I happen to like a lot
of the stuff.
It's just so happy.
♫ Way down yonder
♫ on the Chattahoochee,
♫ never knew how much meant
♫ to me. ♫
(audience laughing)
Looks like I'm having
a seizure up here.
(audience laughing)
I think you have to live
in the South
to write a song like that.
I don't think you could write
that song if you live in Brooklyn.
♫ Way up yonder
♫ on the Hudson River,
♫ body parts are floating right up
♫ next to me.
♫ Well, I seen me some tires
♫ and some chemical waste.
♫ The fish can eat the bird
♫ and he spit in my face. ♫
(audience laughing)
Who else?
I like Keith Urban.
(audience cheering)
Oh, I love that song.
I want to love somebody,
love somebody like you.
Somebody like you, not you.
(audience laughing)
I also love the girl that sings
the Sunday Night Football song,
Carrie Underwear.
(audience laughing)
She had like the biggest country
song like in a decade some years ago.
All the women know it.
Before He Cheats.
Right, ladies?
♫ I'm going to dig my keys
♫ into the side of--
- ♫ His pretty little souped up four
♫ wheel drive.
- All right, get over it.
(audience laughing)
I always thought to myself,
what if it was reversed?
What if it was a guy
in that situation?
Whole different song.
♫ Right now, she's probably
♫ on the prowl, walking like a cougar,
♫ wearing nothing but a towel.
♫ Right now, she's checking out
♫ the pool boy, thinking that she
♫ might have found herself
♫ another love toy.
♫ Right now, she's probably
♫ at the gym, sweating to the oldies
♫ with a trainer named Tim.
♫ Forget him.
♫ I'm going to grab her Tivo
♫ and erase The View,
♫ make the dog take
♫ a dump in her Jimmy Choo shoe,
♫ use George Clooney's picture
♫ as my new dartboard.
♫ I'm going to pour Jack Daniels
♫ in her coffee cup, stink up the john
♫ and leave the toilet seat up.
♫ Maybe next time she'll think before
♫ she cheats. ♫
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
Not exactly a love song.
I like romance.
I met a couple once playing
Atlantic City.
They were married 67 years.
And the guy was very sharp.
He goes, "I'll tell you my secret.
"I make all the big decisions
"and she makes all
"the little decisions."
I said, oh yeah?
Big decisions like what?
He goes, "well, we haven't had any
"of those yet."
(audience laughing)
I know how it works.
I learned everything I'll ever need
to know about marriage
from my mom and dad.
They were like a TV couple
from the '60s.
They were like Ralph and Alice
Kramden.
They'd be in the kitchen and mom's
like, do you want dinner?
"What are my choices?"
Yes or no.
(audience laughing)
Dad would be standing there,
mom walks up to him,
what are you doing?
"Nothing."
You're staring at our marriage
certificate for over an hour.
"I'm looking for an expiration date."
(audience laughing)
My lovely, ladies.
Ladies, I love you.
I love you.
I just don't understand you.
You pluck your eyebrows and then
you draw them back in with a pencil.
(audience laughing)
Who does that?
(audience laughing)
Single women?
Single women come home,
they look in the fridge, boom,
they go right to the bed.
Married women, they come home,
they look in the bed,
they go right to the fridge.
(audience laughing)
I'm a married guy.
I got the one ring that binds them all.
And I've been married for a while.
My lovely wife, Kathleen and I,
just celebrated our 36th wedding
anniversary.
(audience cheering)
How about that?
Not bad for a showbiz marriage?
You know how we lasted 36 years?
I've only been home for six of them.
(audience laughing)
She scares me.
No, she's half Irish, half Sicilian.
I'm lucky I'm still alive.
(audience laughing)
Doesn't take any crap from me.
I remember once I was yelling at her
in the car, I was getting pulled over.
And I'm yelling at her like it's
her fault I'm getting pulled over.
Police officer goes up to my wife.
He goes,
"ma'am, does he always speak
"to you this way?"
She didn't miss a beat,
she goes, only when he's drinking.
(audience laughing)
That-- that's my girl.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She wants me to watch TV with her.
She's wanted me, she watched that
movie, she wanted me to watch
Eat Pray Love.
Yeah.
You know that's written by a woman.
If it was written by a man,
Drink Smoke Fart.
(audience laughing)
And I caught her watching TV once
and she screamed at the TV,
"don't go in there.
"Don't go in there."
And I look over, it was like it was
our wedding video.
(audience laughing)
She's pretty cool.
I don't cheat on her.
I do not cheat, and I'll tell you why.
I sleep with a CPAP machine.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
If you could find a woman
willing to lie next to you
in sexy lingerie
while you have a vacuum cleaner
hose attached to your face
looking like you're on life support,
you don't want to screw that up.
(audience laughing)
I love her.
I love her dearly.
And I'm very proud of her
for years and years.
She's a teacher of special needs
and autistic children,
which is great.
(audience cheering)
And if we have any teachers
in the audience, God bless you.
That's a noble--
I'm going to-- when I become
president, I'm switching baseball
player salaries and teacher salaries.
(audience cheering)
All about the kids.
And I know how that works too.
I'm a father.
I'm a girl dad.
I am a girl dad.
I have three daughters.
Yep.
Three pretty girls.
Courtney, Jessica, Victoria.
Nice names?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
None of that Hollywood crap where
they give the kids the weird names.
Gwyneth Paltrow, what'd she name
her first child?
- Apple.
Who names their kid after a fruit,
right?
What if she had twins?
Hey, nice pare.
OK.
(audience laughing)
They do grow up fast, though, yeah.
Oh, toddlers, toddlers and dogs.
We had a big German shepherd
when my kids were little.
The poor dog would come out
of the room and he's got necklaces
on his face, stickers on his butt
going, please, I'm a dog.
Now we were trying to teach her
how to use a pooper scooper.
Man, when I was little,
we didn't have pooper scoopers.
You used to use a shovel and dad's
9 iron.
(audience laughing)
Hey, some days, we would just
use the 9 iron.
(audience laughing)
You have to wait a day or two,
but you know how that works.
(audience laughing)
But they're so cute when
they're little, aren't they?
Like five-year-old kids.
They say things you would
never think of.
My wife's class,
she had a little boy named Nick.
Nick was well dressed.
One day he's wearing cologne.
He's five.
My wife goes, what kind of cologne
are you wearing?
"I don't know.
"My mom takes a magazine
"and rubs it on my neck."
(audience laughing)
Little girl having a conversation
with her grandmother.
"Grandma, how old are you?"
Oh, honey, I'm so old,
I don't remember.
"Why don't you look in the back
"of your panties?
"Mine say 5 to 6."
(audience laughing)
Little boy in church,
priest asked him, do you know what
the Resurrection is?
"No.
"But if it lasts longer than four hours,
"you have to call your doctor."
(audience laughing)
Do we have any PTA parents in here?
PTA?
Yeah.
They rope you in and do all
the different chores and all
the different functions.
My thing is because they know
I'm a comedian, they have me read
like the announcements,
community bulletin board at the end
of the meetings.
I actually have some that
I've had to read.
Here you go.
These are not real.
These are real.
I have not written these.
Here we go.
"Ladies, don't forget
"about the rummage sale.
"It's a chance
"to get rid of those things
"not worth keeping around the house.
"Bring your husbands."
(audience laughing)
All right, this one's cruel.
"Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00
"PM in the church hall.
"Please use the large double doors
"at the side entrance."
(audience laughing)
Somebody wrote that.
All right, one more, we'll move on.
"There will be a bean supper
"on Tuesday evening.
"Music will follow."
(audience laughing)