I'm a tomboy,
a plus-sized tomboy to be exact.
I never actually thought I'd ever admit it,
but I figured it's what's best for me.
My journey to self-acceptance hasn't been easy but i finally got there
Ever since I was a kid, I was always taunted for being different.
You see, I'm African from Lesotho,
and light-skinned, like, really light,
so obviously, I was different.
Don't get me wrong though,
there are a lot of light skinned Africans,
but in my neighborhood, not so much.
And, what made me more different
is that I don't talk much
and my family isn't poor,
just middle class,
but then most of my friends weren't,
so I was always treated as an outcast.
They made fun of my behavior
and they also made fun of my appearance,
as if I chose to be this way.
That lowered my confidence a lot.
Then years passed,
and when I was around 8 and 9 years old,
I gained weight.
It wasn't too bad at the time,
but it wasn't good either.
When I was 12,
I weighed around 60 kg.
People called me names,
and I always felt as if wherever I went,
I was been criticized.
That was when I tried pleasing others,
going with the flow,
not taking a stand for what I wanted,
or standing up for myself for that matter.
And let's not forget that I'm a tomboy,
and tomboys love sports.
That was my case as well.
I really love soccer and basketball,
but being overweight
made it hard for me to play in either one of them.
I was always picked last
and sometimes, teams would fight over which team would get me,
because no one wanted me to be a part of their team.
That was when I gave up on sports
and just lived up to other people's expectations;
being lazy.
Time passed and I still gained more weight.
By the time I was 13, I was 65 kg.
That was also the time my confidence was completely shattered.
I had a best friend,
well...I had a lot of best friends at the time,
but he was more special to me than the rest.
Why?
Because I had a crush on him.
Wait, no. I loved him!
But, I guess my love wasn't enough for him though.
One day, he and I were chatting over the phone,
and we got into a really deep conversation
that ended with me revealing my feelings towards him.
That was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.
Yeah, soon enough, things got really bad between us.
He started calling me names,
saying things like;
"You'll never be loved",
"you're just an ugly fat girl,
no one could possibly love you"
amongst so many more.
I thought he was right,
because,
I'd never had a boyfriend, ever!
Then,
things got worse.
He started to hurt me not just verbally, but also physically.
He made me hate myself.
I hated myself so much that I gave up on everything,
my dreams, my health,
my life in general.
I didn't know what to do with myself.
I felt so obsolete compared to everyone else.
At around the end of the year, when I was 14,
I did a lot of self-introspection
and I realized that
I wasn't living anymore.
I let go of everything.
Singing, rapping, drawing, poetry,
everything I loved doing seemed like a blur.
When I was 15,
I decided to cut him out of my life for good.
I was tired,
physically, and emotionally and mentally.
I finally accepted that he'd never love me back.
And although it took me a while to get over him,
I did it!
And I was so happy.
That's when I began embracing my boyish side.
I convinced my parents to allow me to buy clothes that I wanted,
and that was the start of my brand new journey.
Now,
I'm happy to say that I'm a tomboy.
And, I love myself.
And sometimes, it's not easy to look at myself in the mirror and see what I see,
but I know that I'm making incredible progress compared to how I was before.
I'm finally confident enough to walk into a room with my head held high
and I play soccer often now too.
My life is all mine now!
As it should be.
Life can throw toxic people our way,
and sometimes, we tend to give in to the burns.
But, we need to understand
that through anything we face,
being confident about ourselves will help us anytime we fall.
Knowing our strengths and embracing them
will make our journeys less of a burden and more of an adventure!
I wish I knew that in the past!