The FDA has officially authorized new COVID boosters
that for the first time targets the Omicron variant.
And I'm so excited
'cause this means we can finally fight Omicron
just eight months after everyone got it.
-Yes! -(laughter)
And in case you're counting,
that is now the fourth COVID shot, which means
one more, and we all get a free sandwich. Yeah!
(applause and cheering)
Meanwhile, in climate news,
the west coast of America is currently experiencing
a record-breaking heat wave, with temperatures
in some cities topping 115 degrees.
Yeah. It is so hot in California right now
that people are begging Harry Styles to spit on them.
"Ah! Please! Please, Harry! Please."
Oh, in international news, it is now being reported
that due to global sanctions,
Russia is being forced to buy ammunition from North Korea.
Yeah. Which I think we can all agree means
-you're pretty desperate. -(laughter)
Yeah. Like, you have to go to North Korea
'cause no one else will sell? It's like only a matter of time
before Putin can only get haircuts from North Korea.
-That's going to be fun. -(laughter)
Nowhere else.
All right, but let's move on
to some of the bigger stories of the day,
starting with the only man in America
whose scrapbooking hobby could land him in prison--
Donald J. Trump.
-Yeah, the "J" stands for January 6. -(laughter)
There have been, uh, some major development
in the FBI's investigation into America's former president.
So let's catch up on all of it in another installment
of "America's Most Tremendously Wanted."
♪ ♪
(applause and cheering)
Ever since the FBI raided the broom closet
where Donald Trump was keeping America's most important
national security secrets, we've all been wondering
what exactly Trump was hiding there.
And over the weekend, we finally got a detailed rundown
of what the FBI took away.
They were 31 documents labeled "Confidential,"
there were 54 labeled "Secret," and 18 labeled "Top Secret."
Yeah. And even better than that,
agents found those documents intermingled
in the same boxes as magazine clippings
-and clothing. -(laughter)
So, I guess Trump has a legal problem and a hoarding problem?
Like, what is...?
It's almost like after the FBI's done with Trump,
they need to send in Marie Kondo.
You know, just to be like,
"Does this 1987 copy of Playboy spark joy, Donald?"
"It does. It sparks so much joy, so much joy."
But even more concerning is that the FBI also found dozens
of classified folders that were empty,
which obviously raises the question,
"Where are the documents from the folders?"
Are they in other boxes?
Did he lend them to Saudi Arabia?
Or maybe... maybe it's more innocent. Yeah.
Maybe Trump just keeps a bunch of folders labeled "classified"
so he can give them to friends
with photocopies of his butt inside.
I mean, that's a good joke. That's a good joke.
You're like, "What's in here?" "Ah, ha-ha!"
-(laughter) -It's also a possible
the intelligence community didn't trust Trump
with classified information
so they just gave him empty folders.
We don't... we don't know. Yeah, it could just be like,
"Sir, these documents are so secret, we made them invisible."
He's just like, "Incredible.
"Just like all the love letters Melania sends me.
I get it, totally get it."
But nobody knows what Trump was doing
with these files and folders.
And now it might be a lot longer until we find out.
NEWSWOMAN: The criminal investigation
into those classified documents found at Mar-a-Lago
is temporarily on hold as a result of this 24-page order
where a Florida federal judge
granted former president Trump's request
that authorizes the appointment of a special master,
an independent observer to review what the FBI seized
from the Trump estate last month.
NEWSMAN: The special master would separate any items
that might be protected by claims
of attorney-client privilege or executive privilege.
The judge set a deadline of Friday
for both sides in this case, Trump and the DOJ,
to propose a list of candidates they want to be special master.
Now, the judge also said in this ruling
that DOJ cannot use these documents at all
as part of its criminal investigation
until this review is completed.
Yeah, that's right.
A judge in Florida has decided to appoint
an independent observer to go through all of the documents
and determine which ones are off limits to investigators.
And that person is called a special master.
Which I'm not going to lie,
when he I first heard it, it sounded pretty cool.
It was like, "Donald Trump is getting a special master."
I was like, "He's about to learn kung fu?"
His special master will be like, "Hmm, I am your special master
and you, Donald, are my student."
He's like, "Great, can you teach me chopsticks?"
And what's going to be really interesting
is who they pick for this job
because the judge gave each side until Friday
to submit a list of suggestions together, all right.
So basically the judge is going, Trump you send us a list
of who you think should review the documents
and then, like, the Justice Department,
you do the same thing.
And then I guess the judge is hoping that they'll overlap?
I-I don't know.
I feel like the Department of Justice
is going to submit the names of, like, former attorney generals
and FBI directors, and then the list from Trump's side
is going to be like Jared, the Hamburglar,
a paper shredder on top of a toilet. You know?
But you know, once again, Donald Trump has exposed
a part of America that I'm willing to bet
nobody knew existed. Nobody.
Did you know about a special master?
Any of you? Huh?
I didn't even know it was an option.
I've watched ten million hours of Law & Order.
(laughter)
I know about subpoenas,
I know about breaking the chain of custody,
objection, sustained, overruled, sidebar, my chambers
but not once have I heard the term "special master."
But once again, thanks to Trump, because of his hard work
and dedication to doing crimes,
we've all learned something new today
and I say thank you, Mr. President.
-(applause) -(mouthing): Thank you.
That's right.
But let's move on to some international news
from the American Trump to the British one:
Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Back in July, he was forced to resign
due to a long list of scandals.
You know, he was having parties during his own COVID lockdown,
he was receiving shady loans,
he was promoting people that he knew
were accused of sexual harassment.
You name it, he did it.
He's like a one-man Shonda Rhimes show.
So finally, his party forced Boris to resign
and today they appointed
the new leader of the United Kingdom.
The United Kingdom has a new prime minister this morning.
Liz Truss officially took over from Boris Johnson today
after meeting with Queen Elizabeth
at Balmoral Castle in Scotland.
We have huge reserves of talent, of energy
and determination.
I am confident that together we can ride out the storm.
NEWSWOMAN: Truss inherits a nightmare: war in Europe,
a biting cost of living crisis,
the country braced for a winter of potential blackouts
and fuel poverty.
Yeah. Once again the United Kingdom
is bringing a woman into power
only when things are really shit.
Yeah, they do this all the time.
Margaret Thatcher, Theresa May,
Mary Poppins.
-The list is endless. -(laughter)
That's why it feels good to live in a country like America.
It is so feminist, it won't put a woman in charge ever,
just in case things get really bad.
You're welcome, ladies.
(applause, cheering)
You're welcome.
And you know, I got to say,
it's weird how the British system
just springs a new prime minister on you.
Like, like you know when they pick the new Doctor Who.
There's all this speculation and debate,
and the whole country is weighing in on it.
But for the new prime minister they're just like, "Meet Liz,
she's running the country now."
So, uh, I wish the best of luck to Prime Minister Truss,
and, uh, from now on until she, I guess, resigns in disgrace?
No, 'cause that's what happens, you know,
that's what happens to British prime ministers.
They never get to the end of their term.
You just serve until some shit goes down
and you have to apologize and leave.
In fact, you know what? To make things simpler
the new prime minister should just start their term
with an apology speech, you know.
It is truly an honor to be taking this job
that I will be forced to resign from within a year.
I'm excited to lead this nation
and I'm ashamed for the terrible things that I will do
that force me from office,
but until that happens I have many ideas for this country.
I want to rebuild the roads,
I want to expand national health care,
and, oh, look at that. (chuckles)
Oh, boy, there's the scandal already.
Yeah, it's been a privilege of a lifetime to serve you.
Thanks, everyone, cheerio, bye-bye, everyone, bye.
(applause)
All right, finally...
...let's move on to some big entertainment news.
Amazon Prime Video has announced
that its new Lord of the Rings prequel series
is its most watched program ever, with more
than 25 million viewers checking out the show on its first day.
Yeah, but it turns out
some of those people might be hate-watching.
Amazon is suspending reviews
of its new Lord of the Rings series on Rotten Tomatoes.
It says the 72-hour hold is to make sure
the reviews for Rings of Power are legit
and prevent Internet trolls from bringing down their score.
NEWSWOMAN: Amazon says reviews are being dragged down by fans
who are upset about the show's diverse cast,
which includes Black actors playing elves and dwarfs.
These viewers say it's unrealistic
for Tolkien's creatures to be non-white.
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, this is a tough one.
This is a tough one.
I mean, on the one hand, everyone wants diversity
in the shows that we create, but on the other hand,
you got to admit it's a bit unrealistic to say
that there were Black people
in this white guy's imagination, you know, I mean...
I mean, I can get on board with a show or a world
where magical creatures cast spells and fight undead armies
for control of a piece of jewelry
that can turn them into gods,
but if those creatures have a tan,
it's just not believable anymore.
-It really isn't. -(cheering and applause)
(laughs) No, for real.
This is, this is so hypocritical.
You're gonna get mad about seeing
a Black dwarf in Lord of the Rings,
but you're fine with seeing a Kevin Hart movie?
Be consistent!
He's so tiny.
Also, by the way, I don't understand
why people are this angry.
It's not like all the characters turned Black, all right?
There's one Black dwarf, a couple of Black elves.
It's not like the NBA-- calm down.
People like, "All these Black wizards..."
Yeah, it's-- you know it's the same way
people were losing their shit because of the one Black guy
in House of Dragons.
You know, people losing their... "Oh, well,
"it only takes one to lower the property values, you know.
"The House of Dragon used to be worth $400,000.
Now I don't know anymore."
And I know what people are saying.
People are saying that the books are supposed to be based
on medieval Europe,
so having Black characters isn't realistic,
but, guys, nobody's watching Lord of the Rings
for realism, okay?
They're watching it because they didn't have sex in high school.
That's the only reason.
-"It's not realistic." -(applause)
I will say this, though, I will say this.
Apart from the racism thing, I kind of agree.
I don't think it makes sense to have Black characters
in Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, I said it.
The whole series is about seeing danger
and then running towards it.
That's some white people shit.
(laughter)
And, like...
the reason, the reason there were no Black people
in Middle Earth is because they saw the giant eye
talking out of a volcano and they were like, "Oh, hell no.
"We are moving to Africa 'cause this shit here,
"uh-uh, nope, nope, we do not need to be here.
We'll go to Africa where it's totally safe."
All right, that's it for headlines,
but before we go to a break it's time to check in
on all the latest social media trends
with our very own Ronny Chieng, everybody!
-(cheering) -Hi... how are...?
-Yeah! -Ronny Chieng.
Yeah!
Yes!
-Good to be back? -Thanks, Trevor.
Thank you! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey! Thank you!
Are you guys ready? You guys ready for the social media?
-You guys want to hear some social media? -Yeah!
-(cheering) -Huh? Oh, yeah! Yeah!
-You guys ready to lose a few IQ points? -(cheering)
All right, let's do it!
All right, first up, uh, what's trending
is Lord of the Rings or, as-as I like to call it,
Game of Thrones without the incest.
I mean, look, I know we're supposed
to be wokity woke on this show, you know,
elf diversity, stop Mordor, hate or whatever, but, look,
can we just give this one to white people, all right?
Let's diversify the real places first and then we can
worry about the white fantasy places later, okay?
That being said, where the (bleep) are the Asians, okay?
Because...
Middle Earth...
Narnia, the West Wing--
no Asians? No Asians.
The closest thing we have to Asians in American fantasy
is Spock in Star Trek, okay? Yeah, he's Asian.
I know he's white, but he's Asian. Okay?
He's super smart, he dresses like a emperor,
he's got a bowl haircut
and he knows the pressure points in the neck. Right?
"Live long and prosper"-- he even talks like Confucius.
Okay? I just want to see some Asian elves.
Oh, yeah, and what else-what else is trending?
Uh... oh, yeah, everyone's, uh, on the Internet
trying to, uh, figure out whether
Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine at a movie premiere.
Yeah. And by the way, this--
one Asian here, one Asian here.
There's more Asians in this Harry Styles spitting video
than six Lord of the Rings movies and the TV series.
I-- You know, Ronny, I actually-I actually saw this
trending online and I saw the video
and, like, what-what happened here?
Dude, I don't know, Trevor.
You think I care about this celebrity crap?
You think I stay up at night reading about how Florence Pugh
was upset with Olivia Wilde?
What, you think I spend hours trying to figure out
why Olivia said Shia LaBeouf was fired when, really, he quit?
Like, what kind of pathetic loser would be up at 4:00 a.m.
reading about how Jason Sudeikis served Olivia Wilde
divorce papers onstage at a movie's press conference?
I mean, what sad piece of shit reads article after article
about how Olivia's now dating Harry Styles
and we all get slowly sucked into this Florence Pughniverse.
It's actually disgustingly stupid
how much time people are spending on this, all right?
-Get a life. -You-you know,
for someone who says they don't know a lot about this,
it really seems like you, uh, know a lot about this.
Like, you-you just took us through the whole story.
So, so did-did Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine or not?
Dude, I don't know and I don't care, all right?
What I do know is that most people in the world
would love to have Harry Styles spit on them, all right?
Anyone in this audience would open their mouth
and gladly have Harry Styles spit down their gullet
any day of the week, all right?
Yeah, all of you out there will open 'em up and say,
"Please feed me, King Styles,
feed me with your saliva right into my mouth."
Who here wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want--
-Because people love Harry. -That's ridiculous.
People love Harry. No one can do-- He can't do any wrong.
Have you seen what these desperate people
-tweet about him? Look at this. -No, no, Ronny, come--
Look at this desperate person here.
(reading)
All right? That's what these (bleep) losers
are saying on the Internet. Desperate much?
He's not gonna spit in your mouth, Trevor.
All right. First of all, you don't know that.
Second of all, it was just a joke, okay?
You're right, you're right.
But you know what I do know? Okay?
I know that all this shit is great publicity. Okay?
I didn't even know about this movie,
but now I know about this movie. It's given me an idea
about how we should be promoting this show.
-No. -Okay? Trevor.
-No. -Trevor.
No.
-Just hear me out, here. -No.
-I'll spit in your mouth and then -No.
-you serve me divorce papers -(shrieking, cheering) -No.
-No, no. No-- -and then we start dating.
Don't cheer him on. Ronny Chieng, everybody.