Well, as you know, my question is how do I get my wife to,
I know just tell me what happened and why she's afraid to tell me.
Uh, we separated over a year. I filed for divorce in August.
Um, she came back for one day and in the Senate, December 27th,
she called me up crying like anything. I didn't even know what's her.
Cause I didn't have her phone number.
So I happened to swipe the phone and she said, this is Sheila. This is Sheila.
Come and get me. So I said, well, where are you at the store?
That's where she works. She's also living with her boss.
So I went together. I said, do you want to go home? She says, yes.
I brought her home. She so crying. She's calmed down.
And she said to me, um, would you get me a car? Would,
would you, uh, I don't have any clothes. I said, don't worry about your clothes.
Um, what if I didn't want to work? And would you adopt?
And I said yes to everything. So everything was fine.
I think she was a little sick and tired. So she went up to the other bedroom.
She didn't go into our bedroom, I guess. I don't know. It might be maybe a.
How about a question? You use it under the gun. I need to ask you a question.
I'm not sure I heard over correctly. Did you use the word adopt?
Are you willing to adopt it? Did you say that?
Or did I just hear the wrong word?
Yeah, no.
She said these are the questions she asked me and I said yes to everything.
A child.
Okay. In other words, there's not a specific child.
No, no, no.
Okay. All right. So can you kind of move forward a lot in the story?
They're friends. So where are you now?
Yeah, I am. Okay. So around that,
so everything's fine until nine o'clock. I hear her on the, on her phone.
So I sorta went to listen, but I said, no, I'm not going to do that. Cause that,
you know,
I don't want to see me see her in front of the spine and listen to what he says.
So nine 40, she comes down, I'm sitting on the couch, he comes down.
So I have to talk to you, sir. All right. I got up,
I go in the kitchen and she says, I gotta leave. I got to move on.
What happened? And then, so I,
I tried to pin her down to Y and it's I says,
is it because something that you can't tell me that you did and then you're
afraid and that's, that's all I got out of it.
She shakes her head up and down and that was it. And so the next day she left,
she actually ran out of the house.
And this was how long ago?
Uh, December 27th.
Okay. And what kind of interactions have you had with her since then?
Uh, she texted me about on July. I mean, on January 4th.
I'll see you in court and uh, I'm sorry. I want the divorce.
Okay. And no, no other context since then? No. No. Okay.
All right. And so if I'm to understand them, what specifically? My friend, bill,
what are you, what are you asking?
Well, I I'm,
I sort of sense that if she tells me what happened and what she did,
then maybe we can go on with our marriage. I think that's the clog in the wheel.
And I don't know how to get her to, you know, it's been a year.
I can't get her to tell me what it is. The last time we talked was in, in July,
we're face to face in my, in my car. And she says,
I shouldn't have told you before. I said, well, why don't you tell me now?
But she has never told me. And I think that's the biggest holdup plus.
How long ago when she first said that that was how long ago. Alright,
so the first time she said, I need to tell you something,
but I'm not going to tell you what it is,
was in July and the last time was in December. Correct. Okay.
I think I got the picture. Now. Now you do understand bill that if,
if she's having no contact with you,
it's going to be impossible for the fact that,
that you get her to tell you something that she's keeping secret from you
typically, Kimberly, would you agree with this?
That when people are afraid to tell something,
it's because they're afraid of a negative consequence and the negative
consequences either from you or from society or negative customer can see if I
can talk negative consequences from within me. In other words,
sometimes saying things out loud,
you all of a sudden have to come face to face with it.
So sometimes people don't tell because they, they,
they can't stand the idea of hearing their own words. I did this,
or I'm doing that.
And so if she's not telling she's either afraid of consequences from herself,
from you or somebody else, generally speaking, you concur with it. Okay.
Now I must admit that when you said that happened in July, I'm thinking, well,
that may mean something's coming.
And it's something that that's going to happen that she's afraid to tell you
it's going to happen. And the word adopt is what really caught my ear there.
I was in December, that was in December, but she first started in July.
And when said that, I thought, okay,
then that's probably not it because you can imagine. First thing I thought was,
if she said, are you willing to adopt that she's gotten pregnant?
That's what I thought. That might be a possibility.
But if she's been pregnant since July, you would know it by now. Right? Okay.
So obviously we don't know what it is.
She's not telling you because she's afraid at this point, for whatever reason,
either because of his influence over it goes of what else something's going on.
She has walled you off. Now we talk about smart contact,
which means that you interact with people in a way that actually facilitates
communication. You don't press things on people. You don't,
you don't beg it on wine. You don't plead, you don't,
you don't keep contacting them when they said leave me alone. So unfortunately,
bill and the situation you're in right now where she's cut off all contact with
you. I don't know that there's any way for you at this point to know what it is.
She's afraid to tell you if she proceeds with a divorce or not.
I hope that she does not. We are pro-marriage. We try to help people.
But if she were to proceed with a divorce,
if it's something of major consequence, my guess is at some point,
you're going to know what it is now, Kimberly. He said, he said,
I've just feel like if she could help me now,
maybe we could work things through. That's a possibility,
but not necessarily a probability of it.
Right? Because we don't know what it is. There's so much unknown in that.
And the really, the only thing you can do, I mean,
you could spend all your time and energy and effort worrying about what it is,
trying to figure it out.
But I don't know if that's really going to be helpful or beneficial to you in
the long run.
But what you can do is if you want to become a person that is creating a
great foundation for her to tell eventually if she chooses to,
then you focus on doing those habits. Now, whenever you do talk, you know,
if she were to call you again or when you do text, instead of,
and I don't know how you respond,
but instead of doing the push behaviors that we talk about trying to get her to
say more to you, making her feel uneasy,
you could just be there to listen to her or just listen to what she says or just
respond, you know, softly, gently and calmly.
Like we teach in the things that we talk about at marriage helper. Um,
and even if it gets to a point where you say, you know, I, I am here for you.
If there's ever anything you want to share with me, I'm here for you.
But the flip side of that is if she tells you something,
then you can't attack her for it.
You have to be prepared to hear whatever it is that she might've said.
If you're wanting to save the marriage.
And if you don't care about the marriage, you could respond however you want.
But that's probably not the best thing to do as a human being. Yeah.
Don't make a personal promise and then not keep it.
And I'm going to be a safe place. You can tell me anything you what? No,
that's not right. That's not fair.
Yeah.
[inaudible].