-I am so happy that you're back on the show.
I love having you on the show. -I love being on the show.
-You're one of my favorite guests.
This is your 10th appearance on "The Tonight Show" alone.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah. You're like...
[ Cheers and applause ] The greatest.
It's your 10th appearance. Don't start.
By the way, every time you're on the show,
we start laughing so hard, you start crying.
Is it happening right now?
[ Laughter ]
You're crying from laughing. But this is bizarre.
-I don't know what to do. My body's confused.
-But why? Why? Do I make --
My face makes you laugh? -[ Laughing ] Yes.
[ Laughter ]
-I can't -- you can't take me seriously at all.
-It makes me laugh, and then it makes me cry.
-Makes -- yeah, makes you cry. Yeah.
Welcome to everyone else's life. Yeah. It's terrible.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We actually put together a supercut of every time
this has happened during your past nine appearances.
Take a look at this.
-I'm gonna start crying.
It's a weird thing that happens to me.
When I laugh a lot, I cry. -You can start crying.
You can't -- How sad -- sad.
-This is what happened last time.
Look, that's real tear. [ Laughter ]
-Literally crying, yeah.
Here's Dakota Johnson
and Rebel Wilson in "How to Be Single."
-And I was thinking about, like, "Does it --"
Why do I always cry when I come on this...?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God. I'm literally crying now.
-Uh, okay. -This is the worst cry
I've ever had on this show.
-"You got him."
[ Laughter ]
Well, look at that. You got him."
[ Laughs ] I didn't know -
I don't remember that last one. -I don't remember that.
-I just love having you on and just have a good time.
That's the best part. That's why I love you.
-At least I'm consistent. -Good. Keep -- Yeah, exactly.
You be yourself. Yeah.
You're hosting "Saturday Night Live"
this weekend.
This is your second time hosting?
-Yes. -Yeah. How does it feel?
[ Cheers and applause ] Yes.
How does it feel now coming back?
Are you a little more used to it?
Are you less nervous? You were great last time.
-Thank you. I'm the same amount of nervous.
-You are. -I'm so excited, though.
-Did you have a great experience?
-I loved it so much that I was like, "I'll do this.
I'll just be on the cast. I'll quit my --"
-You want to join the cast? -Yeah.
I was like, "I'll quit my job and just do this every..."
-Yeah. They all love you there.
And, of course, Justin Timberlake
is musical guest. -Yeah.
-This is a giant -- [ Cheers and applause ]
-It's a big deal. -It's a big deal.
It's massive. -It's a big deal.
-Yeah, I heard -- I heard his record.
-That's cool. I didn't. [ Laughter ]
-It's pretty cool. We hang out and stuff.
[ Laughter ]
-Were you just gonna get a Sharpie?
-I was gonna get a Sharpie and pretend it was like
a cigarette or something. [ Laughter ]
But I don't smoke. I don't smoke. It's cool.
We're good. We're hanging out.
But I don't even know how to hold a cigarette.
I'm actually bad. I don't smoke at all.
-Me neither. -Yeah, I don't really.
So anytime I do a scene or a sketch
where I'm holding a cigarette, I -- It's so obviously bad.
-Yeah, 'cause that's not how you hold it.
-Yeah. Which would be the lit end, at this point?
-[ Blows ]
It's like, "That's not how you smoke."
But then I was like, "Maybe, you know, those guys
that don't --" Like that. -Oh, yeah.
-Like if it's cold outside. -That's very manly.
-Yeah, but it's dangerous 'cause the heated part is there.
-Yeah. But they don't care
'cause their hands are so calloused.
-Calloused. Yeah, from hard work.
-Yes.
-I've never worked a day in my life.
That's sad. Feel my hands.
They're very soft. -Yes, they are.
-Yeah, very soft, -Not calloused.
-No, not at all. I mean -- -Manicured, almost.
[ Laughter ]
-Almost. I mean, I walked around
with a microphone my whole career.
That's all I've done. Yeah. Stand-up.
Not really hard work at all. I want to talk to you about this
because you made headlines recently about --
It's always something so silly. -Always something.
-Silly, but it's always something
that always makes me laugh. At one point,
it was like something about limes or something.
You were allergic, but you weren't.
You remember that?
Do you remember that whole thing?
-Yeah. -Sorry to bring it up again.
-No one will let me forget it. Especially you.
-I know, but I love it. It's so funny to me.
But then this one is the best.
"Dakota Johnson likes to sleep for 14 hours a night."
[ Laughter ] "The Wall Street Journal."
That's a long time to sleep.
-I didn't even say that like that.
-That's a long time.
You like to sleep 14 hours? That's -- wow.
-No. I said that I could easily sleep 14 hours,
but I don't, like, demand it. [ Laughter ]
I'm not a monster. [ Laughter ]
-But then all these other people picked up.
-I have a job. -I know, but look.
Everything -- bizarre. "Page Six," "USA Today."
It started a whole debate. "Is that too much sleep?
Is that enough? Who gets to do this?
No one sleeps..." -Why is sleep bad?
Like, why? Leave me alone.
[ Laughter ] I'm just asleep.
-I love -- We love to sleep.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm literally doing nothing. -Trying to think if I ever slept
for 14 hours. -I'm just sleeping.
-No, that's too much!
And you can't be spreading that out.
Yeah. 14 hours. That would be fantastic
if I slept 14 hours. I would love that.
-I don't have to take anything to sleep like that, either.
I can just sleep like that. I think if I took, like,
an Ambien, I think I'd wake up next year.
[ Laughter ]
-Like a ZzzQuil or something like that, you're like,
"Dude, what year is it?" Yeah. -No.
-You can't do that stuff. -No.
-I'm a pretty good sleeper.
I can sleep anywhere. I could take a nap right now.
[ Laughter ] -Great. Me too.
-Really? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Both laugh ]
-I can't do it. I can't do it.
That's all right. That's why I'm not in movies.
All right, come on. All right. Um...
I want to talk about this.
You are in a giant new Marvel movie.
Giant. "Madame Web," February 14th.
Valentine's Day.
"Madame Web." This is a giant deal.
-I know. -Marvel is --
This is massive. -I'm so excited.
-They don't fool around, Marvel. -No, they don't.
-And a lot of secrecy around Marvel movies.
Like, you're not allowed to say or nod your head
or do anything to things I say to this movie, which...
[ Laughter ]
...which you, of course, are the star in.
And, of course, we know the secret, of course.
Yeah. Yeah.
Just say it. -Um...
-The secret.
What happens when the credits finish?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
-I can say things. There are things I can say.
-What can you say about this movie?
-Essentially, "Madame Web" is a stand-alone universe.
Stand-alone world. She's a new --
She's a superhero that exists in the comics.
But where -- Are you gonna do a press release?
[ Laughter ] Are you gonna leak it?
Are you gonna leak it to, like, fandom.net?
-I'm writing notes.
-Um, she's clairvoyant. -Uh-huh, she's clairvoyant.
-And I think that it's the coolest thing in the world to --
Take this seriously.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-No. -Yeah.
-The wrong movie. -Well, look, I'm just saying
there's got to be something about, uh...
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughing ]
All right.
You heard it here first, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm just saying, I heard rumors.
"Madame Web"?
-"Madame Web" takes place -- -It's her own thing.
-It's her own world, and it's --
-Do we know what year it is? -It's 2003.
So it's before Spider-Man even existed.
-Oh-ho-ho-ho! -So he will not
be in this movie. -Oh-ho-ho-ho!
-But...
[ Laughter ]
-2003, you say?
-2003. -Yeah.
So no such thing as Spider-Man.
-No such thing.
And it's -- it's the -- [ Laughter ]
-I find that very interesting. -[ Scoffs ]
-Sorry. She is -- -It's a superhero world...
-What are you about to write?
-...from a female perspective. -Okay.
-And it's -- [ Cheers and applause ]
-And who are the other --
who are the other co-stars in this film?
-The co-stars are Sydney Sweeney.
-We love Sydney Sweeney. -We love Sydney.
Celeste O'Connor. -Yeah.
-And Isabela Merced. -Yeah.
-And they are fabulous people.
-Are you excited that people are going to dress
like you for Halloween? Little girls and little boys.
People who want to be you will be you for Halloween.
-That would be very cool.
-Is that a -- that's a -- I would love that.
I mean, that has happened.
Kids dress up as me for Halloween every year.
[ Laughter ]
It's a popular costume. -What do you dress up as?
-What do I dress up on Halloween?
I'm just bad at Halloween.
I'm just -- I have to explain my costume and stuff.
It's just too much. I don't do it anymore.
Too much work.
-I once had a really good costume.
-Was it a couple's costume or a solo costume?
-It was a solo costume. -What were you?
-Um, I dressed as Steve Jobs...
[ Laughter ]
...and I carried a blow dryer.
-Yeah! [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Okay. Perfect.
[ Laughter ]
You were...Jobs. -[bleep] Jobs.
[ Laughter ]
-No, they got it. This half --
This half got it.
Uh, last time, you were excited about going into this movie,
and I said, "Are you gonna do your own stunts?"
and you go, "Of course I'm going to do --"
You were looking forward to this.
-Yes. -Did it pay -- are you excited
that you did your own stunts? -I actually --
You know, there's a lot of driving
in the movie, and my character, Cassie,
does a lot of driving. And I did some stunt training
for driving, and I, like, loved it so much.
And I learned how to do some crazy things
that they actually didn't let me do in the movie,
which was so annoying. [ Laughter ]
-You brought an exclusive thing just for us.
-I did. I brought a video of some of my training.
-♪ That's what friends are for ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
What are we about to see? Should I just show it?
-Just show it. This is a little bit of stunt rehearsal.
-Action training, rehearsal for "Madame Web."
The vehicle.
[ Tires screeching ]
What?!
Are you kidding me?! -Perfect.
-Oh, come on! [ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, come -- You just nailed that!
-I know. -Wait. That's a --
That's a -- that's a skill.
-That's how I parallel park now.
[ Laughter ]
-I love that. I want to show a clip.
Here's Dakota Johnson in "Madame Web."
Take a look at this.
♪♪
[ Woman screams ]
[ Woman screams, bone cracks ]
[ Heart beating ]
[ Woman screams ]
-[ Gasps ]
-At all times, if you see something suspicious,
find a member of the MTA staff.
♪♪
Get -- get up.
Get off -- get off!
Get up! -Me?
-Go! Get off!
You're gonna die if you stay here.
Get up. -We are?
Are you threatening us? -Get up!
-Hey, give me that back!
Hey! Give me that back!
♪♪
-Ooh! It's gonna be good! [ Cheers and applause ]
Wow! Dakota Johnson, everybody!
"Madame Web" is in theaters February 14th.
Get your tickets tonight!
Dakota and I are doing something fun when we come back.
Stick around, everybody.