So the big thing that was so frustrating for me with my big X was that she said that
she loved me, but she just didn't feel the same way anymore. She didn't feel
the butterflies that she did when we first got together. That's the way she put it.
Hey, there it's clay with modern love.life. And like I've been going through for the past couple
of videos. We've, I've been, re-examining my first breakup with my big X, from this old journal that
I found. One of the things that was really frustrating was that she said she just didn't
feel the same way anymore. Now I know me and my big ex, we had gotten together in high school. We
were high school sweethearts. Um, we were really each other's first love. We felt all of the usual
teenage emotions and all of that stuff. As we broke up, things start to get complicated.
Life is a lot easier when you're just in high school. You've never been in love before you
think, okay, this is it. We're, we're like that one couple. That's always going to be together.
All our friends would look at us and say, oh yeah, you're going to get married and have
like a million babies and all that stuff. And you're going to be like the high school
sweetheart couple that makes it, and all that did not work out that way for me and my big ex.
But, uh, anyway, uh, so we broke up and as we were getting back together again, she would say like,
Hey, I think I'm starting to love you again, but it doesn't feel the same or I'm starting to feel
fall in love with you again, but I don't feel the butterflies or, Hey, I think I felt a butterfly,
you know, something like that. And so there, there is this different type of love and experience that
you make go through during this process. And it's, it's fine. It's totally normal.
And you know, there's different explanations for it. Like for example, um, people say that there's
a certain chemical that your brain releases when you fall in love with someone that keeps you
bonded and connected to that person for, you know, a couple of years, like just so happens to be
long enough to, uh, get together, uh, conceive a child and stick together until that child is a few
years old and able to take care of itself. Um, and then that chemical wears off. So they
say anyway, uh, again, I'm not a scientist. I don't know anything about that, but that's what
I've heard. There's also the, of course, this complex thing where people can sometimes mistake
the feeling of anxiety that you get when someone is behaving in an erratic sort of way,
or when you're not sure what's going to happen or, or something along those lines for love when
really it's just anxiety. This is how people often end up in, you know, um, emotionally
unavailable dynamics. They have some sort of emotionally unavailable person that keeps them
guessing and on their toes and all of that. And they mistake this feeling of insecurity
and anxiety. And is he, is he gonna stay? Is he going to disappear again? Am I good enough? Am
I not good enough? They mistake that feeling for love when really it's just anxiety.
When your ex doesn't feel the same way about you. Again, it could be because maybe some of
these things are at play. Maybe the two of you have been long enough for some sort of chemical
to wear off. I, I suggest you look at something a little bit more emotional connection centered
than just like, okay, we just need to inject each other with more chemicals and then we'll fall love
and stay together again. Uh, additionally, you know, when it comes to the whole anxiety
and emotional unavailability thing, um, what I'd recommend that you do is to obviously work through
your issues and learn what actual security feels like, because you don't have to constantly be on
edge and insecure in your relationships. And, um, in your love life, you actually
can feel secure knowing that someone has your back, they are on the same team as you, that
they care about you and all of that stuff. And your relationship doesn't have to be boring.
You don't have to spice it up with like bizarre. I mean, you can, if you want to, for sure,
but you don't have to spice it up with all of this like bizarre intrigue and like,
oh my goodness, I'm going to pretend to cheat on you and all that stuff, unless you really want to
know that. That's what both of you just agree that you want to do. You can have this great securely
connected relationship with one another, but it's going to probably feel a little bit different.
And that doesn't mean that it's bad. That doesn't mean that it's wrong. That doesn't
mean that there's anything out of place about it. It just means that now things have suddenly
shifted. And now that the dynamic is shifted, it could be better. It could be worse, but it
just means that the dynamic is different. And now maybe instead of feeling insecure,
walking on eggshells, uncertain, you now know that someone has your back and that they love
you. And that they're supportive of you. Now, of course, in my particular situation, I think
that I was being a little bit too accommodating and too available for my ex for certain reasons.
But basically I was afraid of losing her. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough and all that
sort of stuff. Um, and if I, if I could go back and talk to my younger self, I'd say like, Hey,
don't, don't sweat it guy. You know, you're, you'll, you'll, you'll handle this one way or the
other. It's okay. You take care of yourself. You live your life to the fullest. And if she comes
with you, awesome, if she doesn't then like, no, no, no worries. This is a long life.
And even if you don't work out with her, you know, you're still 21 years old,
you'll be able to handle this. And there will be other people that fall in love with you. You know,
your ex may not feel the same way as you. That's fine. That's normal. That's because
the dynamic is probably shifting. If you don't like the dynamic, of course, there's something
else that you could do. You could always shift the dynamic, agree to something else,
um, and all of that sort of stuff. But if they do enjoy spending time with you,
then just let that happen. Just let things happen organically between the two of you.
And, um, let the, the, the dynamic and the connection sort of arise in the way that it is.
As long as you are showing up as the best version of yourself, as long as you are showing up aligned
with the person that you want to be and living the relationship that you want to live as that person,
if your ex is the right person for you, they will want to come closer to you.
And they'll want to commit to you if they are not the right person for you, they'll eliminate
themselves from the equation and say, Hey, you know what? I need more butterflies. I need to feel
anxious more often. I need to feel insecure more often. I need to move on every couple of years so
I can get a new, uh, injection of some brain chemical in my head or something like that.
And that's fine. That's their choice to make, but is that the choice that you need to make,
not necessarily bring yourself into alignment with a healthy relationship and you'll make the right
choices. You'll naturally draw the right people to you. And I go ahead and a comment down
Below letting me know, has your ex said that they've lost feelings for you or that
their feelings are different or it's just not the same or something along those lines? Is that old
Chestnut that my ex used to say about butterflies. Anyway, go ahead and leave
a comment down below letting me know what you think and I'll talk to you next.