- They pulled out this police baton,
and they was like, "This is a weapon,"
and I said, I had no idea.
Police never use that.
They always pull out the gun first,
so, is it a weapon? (audience laughs)
(Ilana laughs)
You tell me.
(upbeat rock music)
(audience claps and cheers)
Yes, yes, yes.
Take a look at the coat.
I know you watching a coat real quick, okay?
It looks very Real Housewife, right?
Like I'm about to run some errands.
I definitely look like I'm going somewhere
with somebody else's money, right?
(audience laughs)
Okay, cool.
So, this year, very humbling for everybody.
Just a lot of things that happened,
and you're like, damn, I thought I was rich and famous.
Nope, I'm just broke like everybody else.
(audience laughs)
Lot of things that I have to complain about.
I feel like people don't talk about Facebook enough,
how toxic it is.
Like, outta all the apps,
I feel like Facebook is the Staten Island of apps.
(audience laughs)
Like, it could be nice,
but everybody just goes there to dump their trash.
(audience laughs)
Like, on Instagram, you have no idea
that your crush is voting for Trump,
but on Facebook, oh,
she's letting everybody know her political views.
The worst people are using Facebook frequently.
Like, I was checking Facebook because I was spiraling,
and this girl wrote, (audience laughs)
(Ilana laughs)
she wrote, "Hands down, this is the best year of my life."
And she was not being sarcastic, 'cause she was hot.
(audience laughs)
She was dead ass serious,
this is the best year of my life.
Pictures of her on a boat,
there's flowers, everybody's on the boat,
nobody's wearing a mask,
so, obviously, they voted for Trump,
and she felt the need to tell everybody
that she was having a great year.
I said, so many people died,
everybody's unemployed, lost their mind,
but you needed to tell us
that you're having a great year.
Murder her, she needs to die.
(audience laughs)
Bitch, how dare you?
I lost everything.
My wig is hanging on by a thread,
and you wanna tell me
that you're having the best year of your life?
(audience laughs)
Terrible place, terrible place.
But then I kinda, like, wanted to relate to her, right?
'Cause I was like, the year's not that bad for me,
'cause, like, I won two cats in a lesbian breakup, right?
(audience claps and cheers)
Thank you.
See, the problem with straight relationships,
everybody's losing shit.
You'll lose the apartment,
lose some money, lose your ass.
Like, just everything is gone,
but gay people, we win, you know?
Like, I won the cats, and she won her credit card back.
Like, that is the definition (audience laughs)
of love wins, right?
I didn't pay off that credit card bill,
but she got the credit card back.
The physical card is in her name, bitch.
(audience laughs)
I thought that, when I started comedy,
I lost my soul, but no,
this is what losing your soul is,
not being able to do what you are supposed to do.
I was like, you know what?
Let me get into this TikTok,
and then I was like, no,
you are too old, sit your ass down,
and so I started doing, like,
a Instagram Live show,
which is pretty much TikTok for the elders,
and people can see you spiral live,
so, people love that.
And Instagram Live, you just see the comments,
which is, it's like YouTube.
You're like, oh, so the people who hate me,
I can see it live.
(Ilana laughs)
It's a feed of just, like, no, that's bad.
I mean, in a way, comics love rejection,
'cause that's what gets them up more.
Like, whenever we have a good set,
we're like, okay, I feel like I'm good,
but if you have a good set, then a bad set,
you're like, I gotta have one more set tonight
to cleanse my palate,
to make me feel like, okay, we're doing well.
So, I do think we like the rush,
and the uncertainty.
This is, you know, I love being on edge.
That's why I'm very appreciative of anxiety,
'cause it literally feels
like everything is in my throat,
so, you know, what's the worst that could happen?
You guys just catch me not being funny?
Not possible.
(people laugh)
(Ilana laughs)
Yeah, I'm not doing terrible this year.
Like, it humbled everybody,
but, like, as a comedian, we're always humbled.
Like, we go to auditions
that we, like, aw, I'm about to book this.
I got this.
And then they're like,
we're going in another direction, right?
Or you go somewhere to, like,
shoot a TV show that's a pilot,
and you're like, oh my god, I'm about to,
phew, I'm about to get a savings account, right?
(audience laughs)
(Ilana laughs)
I'm about to really do it up.
(Ilana laughs)
And that happened to me.
Like, I went, and, like, two years ago,
I went to LA to shoot this TV show pilot,
and, like, they put me in first class.
Well, it was just the front of the plane,
but, like, you know Spirit.
(audience laughs)
That is first class on Spirit,
and I was like, excuse me, ha, my seat.
(audience laughs)
I got there three hours early to get that seat.
(audience laughs)
But before I even get on the plane, right?
I go through TSA,
and TSA always gives me some problems
because I always have, like, a jar of lotion,
and they hate the jars of lotion.
They're like, why do you need this much moisture?
I was like, to cover my neck, miss, to cover my neck.
I don't need Hollywood to know how old I am, okay?
(audience laughs)
So they stop me, they stop my purse,
and that's not a big deal for me.
I'm thinking, oh, he's stopping me.
They always hating on me.
But, originally, there was a white person
that was scanning my things,
so I was very, very nervous,
but then I saw a black woman.
I was like, sis, we good,
and then she was actually like,
sis, we are not good.
(audience laughs)
When they stopped my purse,
a whole bunch of police came by my purse,
and they were like, "Is this yours?"
I was like, "Um, maybe."
(Ilana laughs)
What are we talking about?
So.
Besides pulling out my jar of Pond's,
they pulled out this police baton,
and they was like, "This is a weapon."
And I said, I had no idea, police never use that.
They always pull out the gun first,
so is it a weapon? (audience laughs)
(Ilana laughs)
You tell me.
They were like, "What are you doing with it?"
I was like, "That is a gift, so that's not really mine,
"that was a gift,"
and they will throw you in jail if it's a gift,
I will let you know.
They "Law & Ordered" me right at the TSA.
Like, people from Wisconsin had they phones out.
It was like WorldStar.
I mean, it was real messy.
And, like, I had on a obnoxious coat,
I had on my track pants, right?
So everybody thought that I was selling drugs.
Like, they thought it was a mule.
And that wasn't the case.
I had a police baton.
And then my friend, who was also shooting the pilot,
saw me, and I was in handcuffs.
They "Law & Ordered" me right in front of her,
and I was like, "Tell them I'm not gonna make it.
"You're gonna have to go without me."
And she's like, sis, I'm already on the plane.
(audience laughs)
(Ilana laughs)
Call your lawyer, so.
(Ilana laughs)
I kept telling the people at TSA,
I was like, "I'm going to LA to shoot a pilot
"for this network that rhymes with B," right?
I kept telling everybody, I was like,
"I'm gonna be on B, I'm-a be on B."
Not BET, but B, I was gonna be on B.
(audience laughs)
They were like, call the bus, call the bus.
Like, you see on the show,
that, call the bus.
They called this big ass van,
they threw me in there, right?
Just (grunts)
And they took me to airport jail,
which is worse than regular jail
because they don't have no Biscoff, right?
(audience laughs)
So you ain't got no snack, no peanuts, no nothing?
Just, just, wow, just dry ass airport jail.
So I'm in there with my obnoxious coat and everything,
and they do, they take everything off of you,
they take the shoelaces off,
'cause they don't want you to, like, strangle yourself,
and I was wearing braids at the time,
so they asked me if my braids were detachable,
which is racist.
Like, I was like, whoa, that is aggressive,
like, and homophobic.
How dare you ask a black woman
if she can take her hair off?
(audience laughs)
'Cause I could, but they don't need to know that.
(audience laughs)
And also, I was like,
this grade of hair is not strong enough
for me to strangle myself, sir, so.
(audience laughs)
This was on sale, thank you.
(audience laughs)
(Ilana laughs)
So I'm in airport jail,
I'm in the cell.
I was like, yo, I was in there for two seconds.
I was like, kill me now, kill me now.
And I had to use the bathroom, too,
so I'm acting like a white woman
just drinking rose with ice,
and I was like, "Excuse me, excuse me,
"I have to use the bathroom."
They were like, "The bathroom is in there."
I was like, "Oh, that's for real criminals."
(Ilana laughs) (audience laughs)
Orange is the new black.
This is just black is the black, right?
Like, I'm not using that.
So I did shit in that toilet,
'cause I had to use the bathroom.
I took a number four,
(audience laughs)
and the girls loved it, they loved it.
(Ilana laughs) (audience laughs)
They took my fingerprints and everything,
and they were like,
well, you know, it won't be bad
if you don't have any, like, priors or whatever,
and I hadn't filed my taxes in 12 years,
so I was like, is that priors?
(audience laughs)
Am I the Wesley Snipes of comedy?
Will I have to go to Thailand after this,
and get cornrows?
(audience laughs)
Just so I don't dodge jail.
So, they taking my fingerprint,
and the guy is looking at me,
and, you know, I look cute, and he like black women,
and he was just looking at me,
and he was like, "You know what?
"What do you do?"
And this was a real time for me to be honest.
I was like, "Well, I'm a comedian."
I'm crying and everything.
He's like, "Well, do you know Chris Distefano?"
And I was like, "Will that get me out of jail?"
(Ilana laughs)
He said, "I used to play ball with him."
I was like, "I'm sure it was bad.
"Y'all both look like y'all can't play ball,
"'cause you're not black, so."
Chris, I love you.
(audience laughs)
Long story short, right?
If you really liked this set,
and you thought it was amazing, you can catch me on B.
Not, because they didn't pick up the pilot.
(Ilana laughs)
Yes, yes, yes, hilarious, I know.
So funny, bitch.
You're so welcome.
(audience laughs)
All right, thank you.
(Ilana laughs)
(audience claps and cheers)
(upbeat rock music)