Wiz: This episode of Death Battle! is brought to you by Netflix.
[INTRO]
Wiz: Ah, the glorious 80s.
That odd era of big hair, keytars, and goofy, muscular heroes of questionable sexual preference.
Boomstick: He-Man, Master of the Universe!
Wiz: And Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
Prince Adam: Let's go, Cringer! He-Man and Battle Cat are about to make an appearance.
♫ He-Man! ♫
Wiz: Prince Adam is the pathetic, bumbling son to the royal family of Eternia.
Boomstick: Hehe. Dumbass.
Wiz: Then one day, a bird-clad sorceress gave him the secret powers of Castle Grayskull,
transforming him into He-Man, the most powerful Chippendale in the universe.
Prince Adam: Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said,
"By the power of Grayskull!"
♫ He-Man! ♫
He-Man: I have the power!!
Boomstick: Wait, wait, THAT'S his origin story?!
He just thrust a sword up and down and yelled some random shit until he turned into a near-naked superhero?
Wiz: Well, more like a cheap action figure.
Boomstick: He-Man possesses Herculean strength, speed, durabilty, and a super breath
which can blow over most foes...and probably a few other things, if y'know what I'm saying.
Wiz: The indestructible Power Sword is the conduit for imbued abilities and has some unique powers of its own.
Boomstick: Like any good sword, it deflects lasers and can also do a bunch of other random
stuff like magnetize special rings or tie people up with magic S&M.
Wiz: And while he is skilled enough to throw his sword like a boomerang, he occasionally uses ranged gear,
such as a grappling hook and bolas to battle the evil of Skeletor.
Boomstick: But I don't know where's he's keeping those things, I mean he's pretty much na-WOAH-HO-HO-HOA!
You'd think he'd keep it in his battle harness made of korodite!
...Which, by the way, further multiplies his already insane strength by 10.
He-Man: That's what the sorceress fashioned this harness from. It helps add to my power.
Wiz: Prince Adam is not the only one getting a power-up,
he has an adopted cat whom he saved from the jungle at a young age.
Boomstick: He named him Cringer 'cuz, well, he's a little bitch.
But whenever He-Man transforms, he zaps the little pussy, turning him into the ferocious Battle Cat!
*Battle Cat roars*
Wiz: ...Despite Cringer's reluctance and downright refusal to do so.
Boomstick: He's kinda like the Michael Vick of cartoon heroes.
Cringer: Oh no! My mother didn't raise any foolish children!
Wiz: Granted, Battle Cat is a tremendous asset. He's so vicious, it's implied that if he doesn't
transform back into Cringer, he could go on an unstoppable rampage.
After all, he IS half tiger, half dragon.
Boomstick: GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!
Wiz: He-Man has moved mountains, reversed a tornado, ran in circles fast enough to create a vacuum...
Boomstick: The fuck?!
Wiz: ...and dug to the center of the planet with nothing but a broken stalactite.
Boomstick: The DOUBLE FUCK?!
Wiz: He even shattered photanium, the strongest metal in his universe,
when even his closest friends believed it would be too much for him.
Boomstick: And he traded blows with Superman.
Y'know, that one guy who can lift entire planets and...maybe killed your favorite person ever?
...THAT one.
Wiz: Well, he's not THAT strong but he did manage to push a moon once. Or twice...
But despite his miraculous strength, he is not invincible.
Enough raw force CAN revert him back to the far more vulnerable state of Prince Adam.
He also despises violence, preferring to outsmart
opponents and thus has much less physical combat experience than you'd think.
Boomstick: Still, he's pretty good at beating the ever-loving crap out of people,
no matter what planet or series he's on.
Wiz: That's right. The 1990's "New Adventures of He-Man"
is technically the same He-Man we all know, giving him much more experience-
Boomstick: Wait wait wait, what was that??
Wiz: Shh! This is vital!
Boomstick: No no no! Go back, go back right...there!
He-Man: There you go, fella. Good as new!
Boomstick: Wha-! Okay, *mockingly* "So it broke, I guess I'll just magic it back together!"
Wiz: The magic of the 80s, Boomstick. The magic of the 80s...
Boomstick: The magic of lazy writing!
He-Man: Next time, you might try knocking first!
♫ He-Man! ♫
♫ Thundercats! ♫
Lion-O: Let's get this show on the road!
Wiz: As a child, Lion-O barely escaped the destruction of home planet, Thundera.
His father sent him to Third Earth with five Thunderian nobles to uphold the royal lineage.
Boomstick: Y'know, I'm REALLY getting tired of people ripping off Superman.
Wiz: But, the Kryptonian comparisons stop there, as en route to Third Earth, a suspension
capsule malfunction - or something, it's not really explained - caused his body to age 10 years.
Tygra: During that time, he grew in size, but he did NOT grow up.
Lion-O: What's going on? Ooh!
Boomstick: Aww, we missed the cute kitty stage! ...Shut up! Kittens are adorable!
Wiz: As the newly-crowned Lord of the ThunderCats,
Lion-O is the leader of the group and commands all of cat-kind.
Snarf: Lion-O has power over ALL cats!
Wiz: Against the evil forces of Mumm-Ra, Lion-O was forced to mature on the battlefield.
He is a quick learner, helped by his cat-like abilities and attributes.
Boomstick: Which means he's got superhuman agility and senses.
Wiz: Right. For example, while a human's nose has 5 million odor sensitive cells, a cat's has over 200 million.
Cats can hear 5 times better, have panoramic vision, and use their whiskers like antennae to scan for trouble.
Meaning it's actually VERY unlikely for curiosity to kill a cat...unless they're distracted by bright, shiny things.
Boomstick: Lion-O wears a manly sports bra and wrestling shorts, and doesn't seem to own anything else.
Guess someone forgot to pack, oh y'know, CLOTHES for the interplanetary trip?!
*roar*
Boomstick: Wardrobe aside, he wields the Sword of Omens, a pocket-sized dagger
which transforms into an epic blade after the most badass battle cry ever.
Lion-O: Thunder!
Thunder!!
Thunder!!!
ThunderCats!! HO!!
Boomstick: It's an extremely durable, double-edged blade that cuts through stone and steel with ease.
It can fly, make force fields, and can shoot over 15 different kinds of beams.
Lightning bolts, fire blasts, and even a tractor beam Lion-O can guide things with.
Which is great for when you're on the couch!
Sword of Omens, bring me snacks beyond snacks! ...And a beer!
Wiz: The sword's power stems from the gem housed in its hilt - the Eye of Thundera,
a legendary jewel with limitless magical power
which its wielder can call upon even from a great distance...such as inside a black hole.
Lion-O: Sword of Omens, come to my hand!
Wiz: It is powerful enough to hold an entire planet together
and can spy on people and events across space and time.
Lion-O: Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!
Boomstick: He wears the Claw Shield, an extremely durable claw-glove...
thing with which, in his first outing, he effortlessly punched down a tree.
Hey, that's just like how I catch squirrels for supper!
Wiz: The Claw Shield may be small, but it's proven effective against blades, blows, and lasers.
As a bonus, it has four grappling hooks, a smokescreen,
and functions as a neat little scabbard for the Sword of Omens.
Boomstick: But the Claw Shield can't protect him from everything.
Wiz: While Lion-O is certainly quite sophisticated for an over-sized 13-year-old man-kitten,
he is still somewhat immature and hot-blooded.
Also both Lion-O and the Eye of Thundera share a common weakness
to a glowing red rock called Thundranium.
...Okay, I lied. There WAS one more Superman ripoff.
While the Eye is one of the most powerful weapons ever conceived, it may also be his greatest weakness.
Turns out, it's the source of life for all ThunderCats. So if it's destroyed, so is Lion-O. And his entire race...
Boomstick: I know! I'll bring it into constant danger! And get disarmed a LOT!
Wiz: Still, Lion-O is stronger, smarter, and faster than any other ThunderCat.
He can pull down a spaceship attempting escape velocity and
won a footrace against Cheetara, who can run 120 mph.
Boomstick: Oh and look, he fought Superman too.
Wiz: He's tough enough to survive boiling water, the molten core
of the planet, and even the...vacuum of space?
Boomstick: 80s magic, Wiz. 80s lazy writing magic!
Lion-O: Sword of Omens, give me power beyond power! HO!!
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: But first, ♫ hello Netflix, my old friend ♫
Wiz: Netflix streams TV shows and movies directly to your home, saving you time, money, and hassle.
Boomstick: You can watch anything instantly on your TV, computer, phone, or video game console.
Watch what you want, when you want.
Wiz: And now with their own original programming, like the new season of Arrested Development,
Netflix is bigger and better than ever!
Boomstick: And if you're not watching Arrested Development, you've made a huge mistake!
Wiz: But you can correct that mistake by going to
netflix.com/deathbattle for a free 30-day trial membership!
Boomstick: But right now, it's time for a DEATH BATTLE!!
Prince Adam: Okay Cringer, let's try this again. This time, no whining, okay?
Cringer: Oh no! Not again!
Prince Adam: By the power of Grayskull!
♫ He-Man! ♫
He-Man: I have the power!!
♫ He-Man! ♫
*Cringer whimpers, turns into Battle Cat roaring*
Lion-O: That sounds like trouble!
Thunder!
Thunder!!
Thunder!!!
ThunderCats!! HO!!
Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!
He-Man: All right, Battle Cat! Let's go do something normally perceived as impossible!
Lion-O: Stop right there! You would mount that poor pussy like some sort of mule? You muscular fiend!
Noble tiger, turn on your master!
He-Man: Ugh! (To himself) He must have control over animals!
(Aloud) THAT should keep you busy for a while!
Lion-O: I am Lion-O, lord of the ThunderCats, and you will pay for your animal cruelty!
He-Man: I am He-Man! Back off, feline! You are clearly not equipped to-
(Pleased) Ooh!
Announcer: FIGHT!
*Laser zaps*
*Swords clanging*
He-Man: Surrender! You are defenseless!
Lion-O: I've got plenty of tricks left!
He-Man: *coughs* Have to...clear this!
*He-Man inhales*
There. Now where did he go?
Lion-O: *to himself* Sword of Omens, come to me!
He-Man: I heard that!
♫ He-Man! ♫
*Sword whooshes*
Lion-O: HO!!
*Lasers zap*
*Sword whooshes*
Lion-O: Not so fast!
Want to keep going? Looks like you're a bit tied up at the moment!
He-Man: Ugh! Sorry, cat-man, but you won't string me along THAT easily!
♫ He-Man! ♫
*Lasers zap*
He-Man: A whirlwind should blow him off course!
*Wind whooshes*
Lion-O: Ngh! I...think...I've...got a...hairball! *gags*
Feel the power of Thundera!
*He-Man cries out*
Now to finish you off!
Wait! Where did you go?!
Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!
Hmm...a mountain. Why show me this?
Wait a minute...that's impossible!
♫ He-Man! ♫
Lion-O: By Thundera!
Sword of Omens, give me power beyond power!
♫ He-Man! ♫
*Force field clangs*
Lion-O: Time for the climactic finale!
*Sword gongs, shatters*
*Lion-O screams*
♫ He-Man! ♫
Lion-O: That's not possible!
He-Man: *laughs* You are finished!
*Lion-O groans in pain, Eye hums*
(Thinking) That gem...it's looking at me.
Ugh! No! *groaning in agony*
Grayskull! Give me the strength of the castle's secrets!
*Eye shatters*
He-Man: Well, looks like curiosity killed THIS cat.
*laughs*
Announcer: K.O.!
Boomstick: What a CRUSHING defeat!
Wiz: While He-Man had little trouble overpowering Lion-O's physique,
the Eye of Thundera is easily the most dangerous weapon He-Man has ever faced,
more than capable of obliterating him, if given the chance.
Boomstick: Not only can the Power Sword deflect all Lion-O's main attacks,
it's obvious He-Man is strong enough to break the Sword of Omens.
Just like how the super-strong, and horribly named, Tug-Mug broke it in the ThunderCats show.
Wiz: A moon weight approximately 70 quintillion metric tons.
The highest official amount a human being has ever lifted without support is over 260 kg.
Even after excluding the korodite battle harness,
He-Man is 10 quadrillion times stronger than the strongest men on Earth.
Boomstick: See and you guys thought you'd never see He-Man pound a pussy!
Wiz: The winner is He-Man!
♫ He-Man! ♫
He-Man: Remember kids, it is very important to always get your pets spayed and neutered,
otherwise it may lead to unstable behavior and unauthorized breeding!
Battle Cat: *roars* I miss my balls!
Boomstick: Hey you! Yeah, guy at the keyboard!
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Wiz: Thanks for watching!
[OUTRO]