WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW WE HAVE BEEN OFF --
WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK, RIGHT?
AND THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
BUT LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE STORY THAT IS GRIPPING THIS NATION
AND REALLY ALL NATIONS. ON SATURDAY, TRAVIS KELCE WAS
SPOTTED WITH TAYLOR SWIFT. [CHEERING]
IN ARGENTINA DURING THE CHIEFS' BE WEEK.
THIS IS EXCITING FOR ME, BECAUSE I LOVE TAYLOR.
I AM WHAT YOU CALL A SWIFFER. I AM.
I'D GO SO FAR AS TO CALL MYSELF A WETJET.
ANYWAY, TRAV-TRAV WAS DOWN THERE TO SEE TAY-TAY'S TOUR-TOUR.
AND IT WAS EXTRA SPECIAL BECAUSE DURING THE CONCERT,
TAYLOR CHANGED THE LYRICS TO ONE OF HER SONGS IN A NOD
TO TRAVIS KELCE. SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT
THE NEW LYRIC. ♪ KARMA IS THE GUY ♪
♪ ON THE CHIEFS ♪ ♪ COMING STRAIGHT HOME TO ME ♪
[CHEERING] >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH. THAT OF COURSE --
ACTUALLY THAT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING.
SHE GOT THAT ONE WRONG. "KARMA" IS NOT THE GUY
ON THE CHIEFS. "KELCE" IS THE GUY
ON THE CHIEFS. HERE'S A TIP, TAYLOR.
THEIR NAMES ARE ON THE BACK OF THE SHIRTS.
OF COURSE, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME A POP ICON HAS CHANGED
HER LYRICS TO HONOR AN NFL BOYFRIEND.
♪ NEAR, FAR ♪ ♪ WHEREVER YOU GRONK ♪
>> Stephen: YEAH. DID NOT KNOW THAT ONE.
PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT THAT. NOT EVERYBODY IN THE NEWS IS
GOING TO BE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR
TIM SCOTT HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
WHICH MEANS I CAN NOW CONFIRM THAT TIM SCOTT WAS IN THE 2024
PRESIDENTIAL RACE. SCOTT DROPPED THE BOMB
LAST NIGHT ON THE FOX NEWS. >> I AM SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN.
I THINK THE VOTERS WERE THE MOST REMARKABLE PEOPLE ON THE
PLANET HAVE BEEN REALLY CLEAR THAT THEY'RE TELLING ME,
"NOT NOW, TIM." [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: "NOT NOW" IS AN INTERESTING WAY TO
DESCRIBE A TOTAL LOSS. IT'S LIKE SAYING,
"DOCTOR, HOW WAS THE SURGERY? IS MY HUSBAND ALIVE?"
"UH, NOT NOW. NOT NOW.
BUT HE HAS HIGH HOPES FOR 2028." SCOTT EXPLAINED WHY HE ENTERED
THE RACE. >> THAT'S WHAT THE LORD
PUT ON MY HEART. I THINK I WAS CALLED TO RUN.
I WAS NOT CALLED TO WIN BUT I CERTAINLY WAS CALLED TO RUN.
>> Stephen: LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
THE LORD CALLED YOU TO RUN SO HE COULD WATCH YOU LOSE?
IT'S LIKE THAT FAMOUS POSTER, "WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE SET
OF FOOTPRINTS, THAT'S WHEN I SHOVED YOU IN THE OCEAN
AND CHUCKLED WHILE YOU FLAILED." BUT THE IMMINENT DEMISE OF HIS
CAMPAIGN DIDN'T STOP SCOTT FROM REACHING OUT TO VOTERS.
HE SENT OUT AN EMAIL GIVING THEM ONE LAST CHANCE TO DONATE,
13 MINUTES BEFORE HE ANNOUNCED HIS DEPARTURE.
[BOOING] "ATTENTION, PASSENGERS.
IF YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, YOU'LL NOTICE OUR ENGINES
ARE ON FIRE, WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE TO PURCHASE
A $15 MEDITERRANEAN SNACK BOX." OF COURSE, NO ONE WAS REALLY
THAT SURPRISED TIM SCOTT HAD TO DROP OUT.
EXCEPT EVERYONE WHO WORKED FOR HIM, BECAUSE THEY GOT
NO WARNING HE WAS ENDING THE CAMPAIGN, FINDING OUT ONLY BY
WATCHING HIM SAY SO ON TV, WHICH IS TERRIBLE, BUT IT DOES
REMIND ME THAT I REALLY DO NEED TO ANNOUNCE TO MY STAFF THAT
I AM HEREBY OFFICIALLY CANCELING "THE LATE SHOW'S"
HOT FUDGE MONDAYS. [LAUGHTER]
>> YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, COLBERT! [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: ONE GUY WHO WILL NEVER DROP OUT OF THE RACE,
EVEN IF HE LOSES, IS DONALD TRUMP.
LAST WEEK, HE WENT ON UNIVISION, THE NUMBER ONE CHANNEL HE WANTS
TO DEPORT, AND HE TALKED ABOUT HOW HE PLANS TO TAKE REVENGE
ON POLITICAL OPPONENTS FOR ALL HIS INDICTMENTS.
>> IT COULD CERTAINLY HAPPEN IN REVERSE.
WHAT THEY'VE DONE IS THEY'VE RELEASED THE GENIE OUT OF
THE BOX, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. >> Stephen: NO, I DO NOT
UNDERSTAND THAT. GENIES DO NOT COME IN A BOX.
THEY COME IN A BOTTLE MAYBE A LAMP,
NO BOX. UNLESS YOU ORDER FROM AMAZON,
AND THEN THEY SEND YOU A TINY GENIE IN A GIANT BOX.
ON SATURDAY, TRUMP SPOKE AT A VETERANS DAY RALLY,
AND HE TALKED ABOUT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR DRUG DEALERS.
>> SO LET'S HAVE A VOTE. WHO WOULD BE IN FAVOR OF THE
DEATH PENALTY -- NOW, WAIT.
DON'T GO YET, KNOWING THAT IT WILL SOLVE
THE PROBLEM? >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT
A FAIR WAY TO ASK ANY QUESTION. "WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME?
WAIT, WAIT. DON'T GO YET.
KNOWING IT WOULD MAKE YOU LIVE FOREVER.
STILL NO? HOW ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY?"
FROM THERE, HE ACTUALLY GOT DARKER.
>> WE PLEDGE TO YOU THAT WE WILL ROOT OUT THE COMMUNISTS,
MARXISTS, FASCISTS, AND THE RADICAL LEFT THUGS THAT LIVE
LIKE VERMIN WITHIN THE CONFINES OF OUR COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: IF THAT CHILLING SENTENCE RINGS A TOTALITARIAN
BELL, IT'S BECAUSE, AS ONE HISTORIAN POINTED OUT,
CALLING PEOPLE VERMIN WAS USED EFFECTIVELY BY HITLER
AND MUSSOLINI. SO HE'S PLAGIARIZING THOSE GUYS.
IT'S GONNA BE SO AWKWARD WHEN HE RUNS INTO THEM IN HELL.
[CHEERING] WE'RE ALSO LEARNING DISTURBING
THINGS FROM A NEW BOOK ABOUT TRUMP BY MY GUEST
ON THURSDAY, JONATHAN KARL. YOU'LL RECALL THAT PRIOR TO
THE LAST ELECTION, KIM KARDASHIAN WAS ASKING
TRUMP TO FREE SOME PEOPLE WHO SHE BELIEVED WERE SERVING
UNJUST PRISON SENTENCES. ACCORDING TO JONATHAN KARL,
TRUMP WAS WILLING TO PLAY BALL ONLY IF KARDASHIAN LEVERAGED HER
CELEBRITY CONNECTIONS TO GET FOOTBALL STARS WHO WERE FRIENDS
OF HERS TO COME VISIT HIM AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
KIM TRIED, BUT ALL THE PLAYERS SHE APPROACHED DECLINED.
LET ME JUST TALK DIRECTLY TO THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS
ABOUT THAT DECISION. "IT'S GOOD!"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT IS GOOD.
TRUMP WON'T BE FACING ONLY JOE BIDEN NEXT YEAR.
HE'S ALSO UP AGAINST ANTI-VAX INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE
AND WEIRD-LOOKING CLEMENTINE YOU FORGOT IN THE BACK OF
THE CRISPER, RFK JR. WE JUST FOUND OUT
A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, RFK JR. WENT BAREFOOT
ON A FIRST-CLASS FLIGHT. LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT WHAT WE GOT HERE. THERE HE IS WALKING DOWN
THE AISLE, AND OKAY. THAT IS COMPLETELY UNHYGIENIC.
I HOPE HE'S HAD HIS SHOTS. OH, RIGHT.
OH. OH, NO.
OH, MY. THE WORST PART:
WHEN THAT PIC WAS SNAPPED, RFK JR WAS WALKING
TO THE BATHROOM. REMINDS ME OF WHEN HIS UNCLE
SAID THIS. >> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY
CAN DO FOR YOU. ASK WHY MY NEPHEW
WAS RAW-DOGGIN' IT ON THE WAY TO THE CRAPPER.
>> Stephen: GREAT MAN. WHAT A GREAT MAN.
OH, THERE'S NEWS FROM A PLACE THE ITALIANS LIKE
TO CALL "ITALIA," BECAUSE A LION ESCAPED THE CIRCUS
AND PROWLED THE STREETS OF A SEASIDE TOWN.
OKAY, BE CAREFUL, LION! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN
PICTURESQUE ITALIAN VILLAGES. YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH DIANE LANE
AND START YOUR LIFE ANEW. UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN.
THANKFULLY, THE LION WAS SAFELY RECAPTURED, YES?
BUT IT DID ROAM THE TOWN FOR SEVERAL HOURS.
SO YOU'RE PROBABLY ASKING, STEPHEN, DOES THE ITALIAN
LANGUAGE HAVE A WAY TO EXPRESS THE SURPRISE OF SEEING A LION
WALKING DOWN THE STREET? SI.
>> MADONNA SANTA! MAMMA MIA!
>> Stephen: "MAMMA MIA! MADONNA SANTA!
THAT'S A-SPICY A-LION! LION, YOU LOOKA SO SKINNY,
EAT-A-MY-SON! HE SIT AROUND ALL DAY, FUMARE,
HE CURED LIKE A-PROSCIUTTO! MANGIA!
HAKUNA MATATA!" THAT'S ITALIAN, RIGHT?
IS THAT ITALIAN? IT'S CLOSE.
WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
AND KNOCK-OFF STEPHEN COLBERT FROM A BULGARIAN TALK SHOW,
MIKE JOHNSON. AND HOO BOY, WHAT WE'RE LEARNING
AIN'T GOOD. IN A RECENTLY UNEARTHED CLIP,
MIKE JOHNSON ADMITS HE AND HIS SON MONITOR EACH OTHER'S
PORN INTAKE THROUGH AN APP CALLED "COVENANT EYES."
AND NOT, ORIGINALLY AS I THOUGHT, "ONLY FAM."
THE WEBSITE ENCOURAGES USERS TO PARTNER UP TO DEFEAT PORN.
ALTHOUGH, I'VE SEEN DISTURBING EVIDENCE THAT PARTNERING UP
CAN SOMETIMES LEAD TO EVEN MORE PORN.
LAST YEAR, JOHNSON WAS AT THAT KIND OF CHRISTIAN FAMILY VALUES
FORUM WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY'S PORN HABITS,
AND HE EXPLAINED THIS CUTTING EDGE SOFTWARE FOR HIS HARDWARE.
>> IT SCANS EVERY -- ALL THE ACTIVITY ON YOUR PHONE OR YOUR
DEVICES, YOUR LAPTOP, TABLET, WHAT HAVE YOU.
WE DO ALL OF IT. AND THEN IT SENDS A REPORT TO
YOUR ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER. SO MY ACCOUNTING ACCOUNTABILITY
PARTNER RIGHT NOW IS JACK MY SON.
>> Stephen: SIR, AND I MEAN THIS WITH MAXIMUM RESPECT.
PLEASE NEVER SAY THE PHRASE "JACK MY SON."
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS BARBRA STREISAND! STICK AROUND!