hurry hurry hurry come one come on to the most [ __ ] up place in the world you want
to see a dead body do you want to get your teeth knocked down by a guy in a Bud Light tank top do
you want to have so much diarrhea you briefly achieve flight then welcome to every amusement
park in America look if you work long enough at an amusement park you will eventually see
a dead body just how likely are you to die at a theme park I don't know in fact nobody does
because there isn't a single federal agency responsible for investigating or counting
fatalities at amusement parks carnivals and fairs that move are overseen by the United
States Consumer Product Safety Commission but fixed location parks are regulated by local
and state agencies who oftentimes can be really lenient with the parks because they don't want
to mess with places that pump a lot of money into the local economy the best sources on
amusement park fatalities are informal surveys which tend to put the number at around 1200 to
1500 a year but those numbers still come from the International Association of Amusement Parks and
Attractions meaning the parks themselves which is a little like asking the NRA how many gun owners
accidentally shoot their penises off every year you know they're gonna try to seriously
lowball that number I once worked a ride that launches riders upwards so fast someone had a
heart attack and died right there in front of me those amusement park warnings about heart
attacks are no joke but what's even more tragic is many heart attack victims die because they
simply didn't know they had an underlying heart condition so in a way amusement parks are one of
America's leading and most lethal medical testing center another time two teenage girls were riding
a wooden coaster with steep hills and such and halfway through they tried to switch seats and
well they failed and one of them fell to her death one night we got a call over the radio
about a person injured on a ride where people sit suspended with their feet hanging free at
one point the ride comes out of a loop close to the ground and a woman's leg and part of the seat
assembly struck an employee who had jumped over the fence and was in this prohibited area there
was no doubt he was dead and nothing could be done except to throw a tarp over him and wait
for the coroner upon inspection his pockets were filled with change we figured he was collecting
the money that falls out of people's pockets the same ride also killed a teenager a year later when
he jumped the fence to get back the hat he'd lost one other case occurred at our water park when a
man cut through the line fought through guests and the lifeguards and jumped down one of our tallest
slides which is almost a complete vertical drop he tumbled over landed on the fence below and
died on impact but maybe you won't die maybe you'll just be horrifyingly maimed in some way
boy amusement parks sure are fun if only people would stop beating the [ __ ] out of each other
wait what sir I believe you have unceremoniously and rudely cut into this queue and I'm gonna beat your
[__] I once saw a giant fight break out because the guest had saved a spot for someone else that
ended with a broken jaw and nose for the person who cuts and several complimentary rides in the
back of a police cruiser another time a drunk guy cut in front of a father and daughter and the dad
just knocked him out cold but my personal experiences are just the tip of a very
big rage-berg news sites have been reporting for years now that with the Covid-19 pandemic
stressing everybody out fights at amusement parks have become a nationwide problem brawls between
customers and amusement park staff have been reported at Disneyland Universal Studios Busch
Gardens other smaller regional places in Waldameer an amusement park in Erie Pennsylvania a brawl got
seven people arrested and sent one to the hospital in the Kennywood Park also located in Pennsylvania
a fight ended with a 150 people being ejected from the grounds similar mass brawls that look
like the battle of the bastards also happened at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom with over 100 people
throwing hands in mid-2022 the Knott's Berry Farm Park in California had to close down early after
a day of fights and even reports of gunfire but hey at least the danger of being shot or beaten to
death is nothing compared to how amusement parks feed hundreds of millions of people a year and
obviously I don't have to tell you that this food is not healthy we didn't even make this [ __ ] up
for the video deep fried butter on a stick is a real food that you can get at real amusement
parks country fairs and other places that make your real cardiologists really cry the amusement
park kitchens I saw were filled with mouse feces the regular practice in our kitchens was when you
find rodent droppings only throw away the food the droppings are actually on food in the same bag as
the [ __ ] on food that wasn't technically touched by said [ __ ] was saved put on a plate or stick
and eventually plopped right in your mouth just to make it clear for legal reasons this did not
happen at Disneyland even if the rodent droppings would be a perfect thematic fit for them that
said Disney doesn't exactly have a perfect record with food safety in 2002 for example Walt Disney
World accidentally gave 141 guest Salmonella poisoning the salmonella was eventually traced
to a contaminated batch of pre-packaged diced tomatoes because like I always say deep fried butter on a
stick is healthier than vegetables visitors to amusement parks often mistake food poisoning for
motion sickness caused by the rides and they don't treat it fast enough which in rare cases can lead
to serious health complications but not so rare that there aren't people trying to cash in on it
there are actual law practices that specialize in suing amusement parks for food poisoning so hey it
turns out that there's a chance your bank-breaking family trip to some overpriced theme park may just
end up paying for itself provided you hit enough restaurants there and get uh lucky just be sure
to bring a few changes of underwear with you and also a helmet for when your explosive diarrhea
propels you right into the toilet ceiling we decided not to animate that part you understand