WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT A RECENT NEWS STORY
FEATURING FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND MAPLE-GLAZED AMERICAN,
JOHN BOEHNER.
BOEHNER'S BEEN SPENDING HIS RETIREMENT ENJOYING HIMSELF:
GOLFING, MOWING THE LAWN AND, I ASSUME, HAVING HIMSELF HICKORY
SMOKED TO SAVE ON EMBALMING COSTS.
AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING HE'S BEEN SMOKING BECAUSE HE
ANNOUNCED HE WAS JOINING: THE BOARD OF ADVISORS OF ACREAGE
HOLDINGS, A CORPORATION THAT OPERATES CANNABIS CULTIVATION,
PROCESSING AND DISPENSING ACROSS 11 STATES.
AND THAT HIS "THINKING ON CANNABIS HAS EVOLVED."
WOW, IN ONE SENTENCE HE CAME AROUND ON THREE THINGS
REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN NORMALLY DON'T: CANNABIS, EVOLUTION, AND
THINKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
WELL, NEWS LIKE THIS IS CERTAIN TO HAVE AN EFFECT ON POT
CULTURE-- SO I FIGURED I'D CHECK IN WITH TWO EXPERTS IN THE
FIELD: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHEECH AND CHONG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CHEECH MARIN, TOMMY CHONG, THANK
YOU FOR JOINING ME.
LIVE VIA SATELLITE.
>> HAPPY TO BE HERE, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> YEAH, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON "THE LATE
SHOW," TALKING TO DAVID LETTERMAN.
>> STEPHEN: DAVE'S NOT HERE, MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, GENTLEMEN, MARIJUANA HAS
BECOME MAINSTREAM.
THAT'S GREAT NEWS, RIGHT?
>> ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, WE THINK THIS NEWS SUCKS.
POT USED TO BE REBELLIOUS.
>> YEAH, NOW CRUSTY OLD REPUBLICANS LIKE JOHN BOEHNER
ARE INTO IT.
POT'S OVER, MAN.
>> STEPHEN: SO YOU'RE NOT EXCITED ABOUT LEGALIZATION?
>> NO WAY!
IT'S BORING.
THE LAST TIME I BOUGHT WEED, IT WAS IN A STORE, IN A STRIP MALL.
>> STEPHEN: WHERE DID YOU USED TO BUY IT?
>> BEHIND A STORE IN A STRIP MALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> WHICH IS WHY WE'RE HERE TO ANNOUNCE: CHEECH AND CHONG ARE
NO LONGER DOING STONER COMEDY.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?
YOU'RE QUITTING COMEDY?
>> NO WAY, MAN.
WE'RE JUST MOVING ON TO EDGIER TERRITORY-- STUFF THAT'S STILL
ILLEGAL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, NOW WE'RE INTO
UNPASTEURIZED DAIRY PRODUCTS.
>> Stephen: WOW, REALLY?
>> CHECK THIS (BLEEP) OUT, MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THIS FRENCH CAMEMBERT WAS
ONLY AGED ONE MONTH-- I CALL IT "THE DEVIL'S VELVEETA."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW, I GOTTA SAY.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU SAY THAT.
THAT LOOKS AMAZING.
BUT HOW'D YOU GET THIS ALL THROUGH CUSTOMS?
>> GOOD QUESTION.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF THAT FOOTBALL TEAM: THE GREEN BAY PACKERS?
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OH, I SEE-- YOU USE
THOSE BIG FAKE CHEESE HEADS TO SMUGGLE IN ACTUAL CHEESE?
>> NO, WE PACK IT INTO OUR BUTTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY.
GOOD TO KNOW.
SO THIS IS IT FOR YOU GUYS NOW?
JUST COMEDY ABOUT UNPASTEURIZED DAIRY PRODUCTS?
>> NO, WE'VE GOT EDGY MATERIAL ON ANYTHING THAT'S STILL
ILLEGAL.
>> LIKE IMPORTING EXOTIC REPTILES...
>> TAPING AND DISTRIBUTING FOOTBALL GAMES WITHOUT THE
EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE N.F.L...
>> Stephen: I GUESS THAT SETTLES IT.
IT -- CHEECH AND CHONG HAVE OFFICIALLY DECLARED THAT POT IS
OVER.
IT TRULY IS THE END OF AN-- WAIT, ARE YOU GUYS SMOKING RIGHT
NOW?
>> NAH, MAN!
>> Stephen: I SEE SMOKE!
>> SOMETHIN' WAY COOLER.
BURNING LEAVES WITHOUT A PERMIT, DUDE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OUR NEIGHBOR ALAN IS GONNNA CALL
THE COPS!
>> STEPHEN: CHEECH AND CHONG, EVERYONE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE "UP IN SMOKE: 40TH
ANNIVERSARY EDITION" DVD IS AVAILABLE NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JEFFREY WRIGHT.