Do you feel powerless in your relationship?
Do you feel like the other person wins every argument and that ultimately you really do
whatever it is that they want to do and even when it seems like they're being kind and
loving and you might share something with them, ultimately, does it always come back
to haunt you?
My name is Terri Cole.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a relationship and boundary expert and the founder of The
Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp.
In today's episode, we are going to be talking about the three foolproof strategies, right?
These are three boundary tools for you to shut down a narcissist and how to take your
power back.
So before we get moving, let's just identify what is the definition of a narcissist.
If you go to the free dictionary, it says it's someone who needs excessive love and
admiration and they have excessive love and admiration for themselves.
It really is a psychological condition characterized by self preoccupation, lack of empathy, which
is really, really key.
And those of you who are involved with a narcissist know this and unconscious deficits in their
own self esteem.
Now that's stuff that you won't see the unconscious deficits, but it definitely comes from a place
of lack.
There's also this, this way that narcissists are in the world where they're always seeking
some kind of narcissistic supply.
So what feeds them, right?
They're always using other people to keep themselves alive.
Really, we call it narcissistic supply.
So what is that drama high emotions.
This is part of what keeps them going.
Now, you know this, if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you already know this.
Other words that can, you know, that are used for narcissism, self-absorbed, egotistic,
right, self-centered, selfish, self-loving, vain you could even say conceded, stuck up.
So you know, if you're involved with a narcissist now moving on to what, what can you actually
do to get your power back in the situation that can seem so utterly hopeless when you're
involved with a narcissist?
The first thing on my list is to be selective, right?
Be selective with what you share with someone who is a narcissist.
In last week's video, I talked to you about the gray rock method that if you fully employ
that method, you're actually inspiring a narcissist to end the relationship with you so you don't
have to end it with them and then endure their wrath.
Because we know how rageful a narcissist can be.
Narcissists can be very verbally abusive.
Some could get physically abusive as well, but they will freak out if you actually have
the nerve to challenge them.
That's when they really come down on you.
So the gray rock method, and if you haven't seen last week's video, please go check it
out.
It's right here.
The gray rock method is all about becoming very bland.
And I go into it in detail in last week's video, but I wanted to bring a little bit
of it into this week's episode because when you're being selective about what you share
with them, you're protecting yourself.
You're protecting what matters to you.
So don't give them access to your inner most thoughts, right?
To the things that you value most.
Because if you tell them the things that you're proud of or the things that you really care
about, there will be some point where you piss them off or don't give them what they
want and they will use that against you and you will regret telling them the things that
you value because they will eventually, especially if you do try to get out of the relationship,
they will try to destroy whatever it is that is close that matters most to you.
So that's number one.
Number two, you have to know what you signed up for, even if it was a long time ago.
So get really knowledgeable.
If you think this person is a narcissist, why do you think that right?
They're not going to change.
We know this and you don't have the power to change them.
No matter how amazing you are, no matter how smart or beautiful or handsome or how giving
you are, and we know this from the codependents in the crowd, you guys know this.
You can give until you're on the ground, barely breathing and it still won't be enough.
A narcissist will never be inspired to take one for the team.
They'll never give you something that doesn't have strings attached.
They won't, they'll either expect something back from you or they will hold it over your
head that they did something for you.
It's very common for narcissist to throw something up in your face if they did something nice
for you.
But again, it's never free, so get educated.
There are different kinds of narcissism.
It's not just the one that we all are familiar with, right, which is more overt narcissism,
which is the grandiose type of personality.
There's also covert narcissist who can present as very meek, as very mild, as insecure, and
yet they're not meek and mild.
They may be insecure, but they almost seem kind of wobbly in the way that they are in
the world, and yet they are like a mastermind at making you feel suddenly you're apologizing
for things you didn't think you did.
You go to have a conversation with them about something you're upset about and you don't
even know how it happens and you're apologizing suddenly or somehow if you draw a boundary
with them, they have a way of making you feel like a selfish, terrible person and the see,
the covert narcissist won't remind you in your face of all the things they've done for
you, but they're even scarier because they're even harder to point out.
They will figure out a way to make you feel ashamed and terrible, but they're not as easy
to spot.
So know what you were signing up for or what you did sign up for by becoming super knowledgeable
when if you're educated with the type of narc that you are dealing with, it makes it so
much easier to manage your own expectation.
If you continue to think that they're like you, you will continue to be annihilated with
how much they are not like you.
They are different from you.
Don't expect them to be as generous as you are or as kind as you are, because they're
never going to be, even if you're in the love bombing phase, right?
There's the beginning, which I'll be talking about in my next video where they're just,
it's all this good stuff is coming your way and then they have you and once they have
you, most of that behavior in the beginning never comes back or it comes back briefly
when they want something from you.
So the second strategy to get them to not have power over you is to know what you signed
up for, right?
And the third thing is I'm going to ask you to honestly assess right now, do you actually
have to have this person in your life?
Are you required?
In last week's video, I talked about the gray rock method because some of us are required.
If this is the father of your children or the mother of your children, you can't simply
go no contact.
It is not an option for you.
But there are people that maybe you're getting involved with right now.
Friends, mentors, people you might be hiring, could be coaches, it could be a love relationship.
I want you to be mindful.
If you have a history of attracting narcissists to really honestly assess who are you getting
involved with and why?
You guys listen, this is your one time around this time, this life, and you must be the
one who decides who is allowed in your VIP section, right?
Who is allowed to be in the front row of your life.
You can't just let anyone in and it really is your job.
So the third strategy to gaining your power back is to be getting the narcissist in your
life out.
If they are not essential, if you are not required to be involved with them, and you
may not want to go, no contact with a parent who is a narcissist, but then you do need
to have a strategy to limit the contact you will have with them because it is your job
to protect yourself.
It is your job to build a life and relationships that thrill you, that bring you joy, that
make you happy.
You are the boss of you.
And that is a fact.
And since knowledge is power, if you take this advice and learn everything that you
can, you're in such a better position to not let anyone have control over you, not just
narcissists and psychopaths, right?
Anyone, because this is , your one of a kind, amazing life and you get to decide, but you
have to have the skills and you have to believe that you have a right to decide who gets to
be in your life.
So you can download this little cheat sheet right here.
There is a little link that you can click.
If you liked this episode, please share it on social media.
I am sending you the most amazing energy.
I hope you have an amazing week.
And as always, take care of you.