>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT OUT FOR LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND RIGHT OVER
THERE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LOUIS, YOU KNOW WE ALWAYS TRY TO GIVE THE PEOPLE THE BEST
POSSIBLE SHOW YOU CAN GET ON TELEVISION BUT TONIGHT WE'VE GOT
A HOT ONE. WE'VE GOT AN ACTOR I LOVE.
HE'S GOT THE NEW MOVIE "FERRARI."
ADAM DRIVER WILL BE OUT HERE. [CHEERING]
YEAH. HE'S GOT AN ITALIAN ACCENT AND
THAT "FERRARI." >> Louis: REALLY?
>> Stephen: HE ALSO HAD AN ITALIAN ACCENT IN THAT "GUCCI."
THEN WE HAVE A YOUNG MAN WHO I HEAR GREAT THINGS ABOUT.
WE EXPECT A LOT FROM MR. JON BATISTE WILL BE OUT HERE.
I'M A BIG FAN. HE >> Louis: ME TOO.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SOURCING THE
DAY'S FINEST NEWS SILICA, ADDING THE MOST TOPICAL FLUX OF
SODIUM CARBONATE THEN NICKEL OXIDE, HEATING IT TO PRECISELY
1500 DEGREES CELSIUS THEN BLOWING AND PULLING IT INTO
SHAPE, OVERLAYING IT IN COLORED CRYSTAL WITH A HIGH STEM
AND A SCALLOPED BASE TO CREATE THE 1906 BACCARAT TSAR
CHAMPAGNE COUPE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I CRASH A STOLEN HANG GLIDER INTO AN ABANDONED JUNK YARD
WHERE I POUND A DISCARDED HUBCAP INTO A BOWL, THEN RIP
A VENT RING OUT OF A FORD FIESTA DASHBOARD AND STRAP IT TO THE
SIDE WITH A FRAYED BUNGEE CORD TO CREATE THE ROTGUT CHUGGER'S
BUCKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE!" >> Stephen: THE ESCAPE HATCH
FROM REALITY, MY FRIENDS. MEANWHILE, DORITOS HAS RELEASED
A NACHO CHEESE FLAVORED LIQUOR THAT TASTES JUST LIKE THE CHIP.
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER EATEN DORITOS AND THOUGHT
"I WISH THESE WERE WET." JUST HOW DID SCIENCE ACHIEVE
THIS MIRACLE, YOU ASK? WELL, THE NACHO CHEESE SPIRIT
WAS MADE USING REAL DORITOS CHIPS AND ALCOHOL.
FUN FACT, WE LOOKED INTO IT, AND THE LIQUOR THE DORITOS ARE MIXED
WITH IS NOT VODKA OR RUM OR GIN. IT'S JUST "ALCOHOL."
KIND OF DISTURBINGLY GENERIC. IT'S LIKE YOUR TINDER DATE
SAYING: "WHERE DO I WORK? JOB.
CAN I GET YOU AN ALCOHOL?" MEANWHILE, ARCHEOLOGISTS
IN GERMANY HAVE UNEARTHED A MEDIEVAL CURSE TABLET.
OF COURSE IN MODERN TIMES, A "CURSE TABLET" IS THE iPAD
THE THREE-YEAR-OLD NEXT TO YOU ON THE PLANE
IS USING TO WATCH MISS RACHEL AT FULL VOLUME.
"WANNA USE MY HEADPHONES?" THE CURSE WAS "SEEMINGLY
DIRECTED AT TWO SPECIFIC PEOPLE, A WOMAN NAMED TALEKE
AND A MAN NAMED HINRIK" THAT SAYS "SATHANAS TALEKE
BELZEBUK HINRIK BERITH," WHICH EXPERTS INTERPRETED AS A
CALL SUMMONING SATAN AND THE DEMONIC SPIRIT BERITH AGAINST
THE UNLUCKY PAIR. OF COURSE, THE WHOLE IDEA OF
A CURSED TABLET SEEMS PRETTY SILLY UNTIL YOU REMEMBER
HINRIK AND TALEKE ARE BOTH DEAD. [APPLAUSE]
HOW LONG WAS I OUT? MEANWHILE, FLACO.
IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR, FLACO IS AN OWL WHO ESCAPED
THE CENTRAL PARK ZOO IN FEBRUARY AND BECAME KIND OF
A LOCAL LEGEND HERE IN THE CITY, POPPING UP FROM TIME TO TIME
THROUGHOUT THE PARK. BUT WE NOW HAVE AN UPDATE
ON THIS FUGITIVE BIRD, BECAUSE FLACO, THE FAMOUS NEW YORK CITY
OWL, HAS BECOME A PEEPING TOM AND APPARENTLY HAS TAKEN TO
SPYING ON FELLOW MANHATTANITES THROUGH THEIR
APARTMENT WINDOWS. NOW, IT'S A BIRD.
I'M SURE THAT'S AN OVERSTATEMENT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT A PIC OF FLACO THAT SOMEONE TOOK
OF HIM OUTSIDE THEIR APARTMENT. OH, MY GOD!
NO, FLACO, NO! NO, FLACO, NO!
IT'S PRETTY BAD WHEN TURNING YOUR HEAD 360 DEGREES IS THE
SECOND CREEPIEST THING ABOUT YOU.
ANYWAY, THAT'S NEW YORK CITY FOR YA.
SOMETIMES THERE'S AN OWL, SOMETIMES IT'S 9/11.
MEANWHILE, MAYIM BIALIK REVEALED THAT SHE WAS FIRED FROM
"JEOPARDY." AND WHAT REALLY SUCKS IS SHE
FOUND OUT VIA THE CLUE "THIS PERSON NO LONGER HOSTS
MEANWHILE, FOR THOSE OF YOU TRAVELING IN THE GARDEN STATE,
NEW JERSEY'S FUNNY TRAFFIC SIGNS ARE BACK THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.
WITH MESSAGES LIKE "SANTA'S WATCHING.
PUT DOWN THE PHONE." AND "ONLY RUDOLPH SHOULD BE LIT.
DRIVE HIGH. GET DUI."
THAT'S TRUE. THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
I'D GO ONE STEP FURTHER AND SAY YOU ALSO DON'T WANT TO SEE
RUDOLPH LIT. "YOU BASTARDS WOULDN'T LET ME
PLAY YOUR STUPID REINDEER GAMES, WELL, I'LL SHOW YOU.
MY THERAPIST SAYS THIS IS A TOXIC ENVIRONMENT.
PLUS THERE'S, LIKE, NINE OF US.
THERE'S DEFINITELY SOME INBREEDING GOING ON HERE.
[HICCUP] YEAH, I SAID IT!
I'M GOOD TO DRIVE!" >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH ADAM DRIVER.