So nice to see you.
I'm sorry if I seem a little, uh, flustered.
It's just that this is exactly what my apartment looks like.
(audience laughs)
And it's kind of weirding me out.
So happy to be here.
I'm gonna start with an impression if that's okay.
I promise it's the only one I'm gonna do.
It's the only one I know how to do.
But I do think I might be the best in the world at it.
I hope you haven't heard it before.
This is an impression of my mom.
Uh...
Or rather, who my mom has become
since my parents got a small dog.
Because I went home recently,
and this is a real conversation that we had.
"Do you want to see Buster's new trick?
"Buster... Buster.
"Buster, sit down.
"Buster... Buster.
"Busty boy.
"Bust. Bust.
"Buster.
"Buster Brown.
"Buster, sit down.
"Buster.
He was doing it before."
Thank you. Thank you so much.
(applause)
Oh, you're too kind.
I want you to know that I shortened that.
You're welcome.
Also, you know what,
I will go ahead and acknowledge,
I know you guys are not the ideal audience
for that impression.
It's not anything against you,
I've just already performed it for its ideal audience,
which is my brother stoned.
He listened to that for like an hour.
It's not gonna get better than that.
I'm at peace with it.
We're gonna have a fun night.
My mom is the most easily impressed person in the world--
I don't know if you could tell from that impression.
Like, she was still really proud of the dog.
He didn't even do the trick.
The trick, by the way, was "sit,"
and he's six years old.
She came to visit me where I live in Los Angeles.
Uh, and I was like, "Oh, my God, what am I gonna do
"to entertain the most easily impressed person in the world?
My options are endless."
But I found the perfect thing, you guys.
You take that person to a magic show.
Easily impressed people and magic
are like Mentos and Diet Coke.
It's, like, the best combination.
Because this was my mom during literally every single trick
at the magic show we went to.
"No!
"What?
No!"
At a certain point, one of the magicians
stopped what he was doing, turned to her,
and was like,
"Yes."
It was incredible.
Tell you a little bit about me,
I was not a very cool kid growing up.
I'm not a cool adult, it just doesn't matter anymore.
Lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up.
Which is, uh,
offensive, unfair, untrue.
I was not a nerd.
Nerds had...
other nerds to play Dungeons & Dragons with.
People to hang out with.
I was a spazzy weirdo.
We're our own thing.
Kind of the bad boys of the general loser community.
All of the alienation, none of the brains.
I couldn't find anyone that was into the stuff
I was into as a kid.
I'll give you an example.
When I was 11,
my dad made me scrambled eggs for breakfast one morning,
and I said, "This is amazing, what's in this?"
And he said, "Oregano."
So naturally, I took a small tub of oregano
and I taped a string to it,
and I wore it as a necklace...
every day...
to school...
for three months.
And because I'm from San Francisco,
my parents just...
let me do that.
They were just like, "Go on out into the world.
"Be free, follow your heart.
Who are we to stop you?"
Who are you to stop me?
You're actually the only people who can.
It's kind of part of your job, right?
Just to give me a once-over before I leave the house,
make sure there's no trash dangling from my body.
You're dropping the ball.
I was like, "This is cool, right?
"I'm the oregano girl now.
"You all better pick a spice
because oregano is spoken for."
I think what I'm trying to say is
it took me a really long time to lose my virginity.
That's...
the point of that story I think.
I live in L.A. now.
I'm in my car all the time,
so I listen to the radio because I'm trapped.
Uh...
and it turns out my favorite station
is the '90s hip-hop station.
Who would've thought?
Yeah.
I love it. 93.5.
KDAY. It's the best.
I love it. I love hip-hop.
Here's the thing, though,
I am a woman, thank you for noticing.
And sometimes in hip-hop,
they talk about us like we can't hear them.
I don't know if you've noticed that.
It's like, "Oof, that was rude.
You know you're in the booth right now?"
But I don't want to stop listening
'cause it's good music, so here's what I've been doing,
I have just been pretending
they're talking about something else.
I just willfully misconstrue the lyrics.
Like, when Juvenile's like,
"Girl, you look good, why don't you back that thing up?"
I'm like, "He's probably talking about her hard drive, right?
"She should back that up,
"she's got a lot of important work files on there.
"He doesn't want her to lose them
"because he cares about her career.
"That's not juvenile at all.
That's very mature."
Yeah.
When Snoop's like, "Bitches ain't shit,"
I'm like, "You're right, they're not shit,
"they're valuable members of society.
"I am gonna take that double negative,
turn it into a double positive. Thank you very much."
"I've got hoes in different area codes."
"My gardening business is taking off.
"We are expanding.
Multiple counties."